PerversionTracker: Apparently Useless Software - "We will assume that KillerRobots’ mention of "amazing 3D graphics" was somewhat sarcastic, as all we saw was a insect-riddled rendition of Pac-Man. Given that Gaichu adds only a few minor variations like movable barriers and poison pills, we were not overly impressed in the usual sense of the word. Instead, Gaichu is impressive in the way that a howler monkey’s perfect feces-flinging skills are impressive, as when the excreta achieves perfect coverage across the broad expanses of a suburban family on their first and last visit to the local zoo. So you see, this sense of "impressive" covers the gamut of emotional trauma, the agony of gratingly disparate worldviews, and flan lightly dusted with ginger."

Kazaa Lite shut down - The Kazaa Lite K++ project has been shut down by Sharman Networks on grounds of copyright infringement. How ironic. Oh well, there's always Diet K.


WANT TO BE A MAVERICK?

Friday December 5, 2003

You must have 8 A*s at PSLE, an IQ above 150 and excel in CCA and sports

by mr brown news@newstoday.com.sg

Some call these men the greatest entertainers on earth - flying without wings - defying physical limitations. But the risks these men take are great: Bodies have been battered, heads broken, careers ended in an instant.

Yes, this is entertainment, but the hazards are real: No matter whoever you are, whatever you do, please don't try this at home. Please - don't become part of a confrontational union.

Ok, now that we have got the violent union stuff out of the way, let's talk about wimps.

I was going to talk about Wimp Lizkit, that tough and angry rock group, cancelling their concert here in Singapore because of security fears. (Yes. Those violent car drivers who horn 0.2 seconds after the light turns green can be really scary in Singapore).

But I decided that the Army treadmill story was more relevant.

Apparently, there are soldiers out there who believe the new IPPT (Individual Physical Proficiency Test) in an aircon gym idea is not a good thing. These are the same people who reminisce about the good old days when National Service was a lot tougher.

I think every generation of NSMan believes that their training was the toughest, or at least tougher than the current batch.

1975: "In my day, our officers made us run 10km with our full packs, to reach our training location! Not like you wimps who get there by three-tonner now."

1998: "In my day, our officers made us sit in a hot three-tonner to reach our training location to do our 2.4km run. Not like you wimps who get to do your training without leaving the camp now."

2003: "In my day, our officers made us run our IPPT 2.4km on real roads in our camp, in the heat, not like you wimps who run on a treadmill in an aircon gym now."

2010: "In my day, our officers made us run our IPPT 2.4km on a treadmill. Not like you wimps who now do your IPPT as a written test!"

Singapore soldiers are a funny lot. We bitch when the training is tough and when Mindef comes along and makes things more convenient, we complain that the training has gotten too soft.

I believe that most of us become passionate about the toughness of training only after we finish our full time stint. Because while you are serving those two or 2.5 years, you would be crazy to complain that the training was too easy.

Even if you thought so, you would not come out and complain about it, because your platoon mates would probably beat you up for saying that the training needs to be harder.

"Sergeant! I want to give feedback! I think we should do more than this 24km route march we just finished! I think we should try for marathon distance, like 42km. Or else we will compromise the quality of our army training!"

(Blanket Party follows)

But of course, there is a fear of army training getting too soft. If we are not careful, our fighting men will one day need to get mommy and daddy to sign a consent form to let Ah Boy crawl in the grass or eat the food at the cookhouse.

We need our fighting men to be fit and tough as nails, able to take long periods without canteen breaks and able to work as a team. Build a team player, not a maverick.

That said, top government officials have acknowledged that Singapore needs its share of mavericks to help us make the leap forward.

So all those interested in being a Singapore Maverick, please pick up a form at your nearest community centre - to be an officially-approved maverick.

If shortlisted, you will be required to take an entrance exam, followed by an interview and submit an essay that describes in no less than 3000 words, "Why I want to be a Maverick, and how I can contribute to the good of the nation by being one without being confrontational".

Some schools will offer programmes for students who show the potential to be a Maverick. Maverick Assistance Plan schools, or M.A.P. schools, will have a special curriculum that caters to students with maverick tendencies. Classes will be kept small, around one to two students per class. To qualify, students need to have at least eight A*s at PSLE, an IQ of no less than 150, and excel in CCA and sports.

Singapore will be striving to become the Maverick Hub of Asia, attracting mavericks from all around the world.

But we want quality mavericks, not the kind that snip their (unmentionable) hair in protest, or who vote their union leaders out as and when they feel like it. No, we want the constructive and compliant kind, the type who feel a need to contribute to Team Singapore.

So if you think you have the makings of a Singapore Maverick, start studying hard now.

We want to farm you and nurture you, to help the rest of the non-Maverick but Equally Essential Team-Playing Citizens of this country come up with better ideas than doing IPPT in an aircon gym.

mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He thinks IPPT should be done in real combat conditions, like in union meetings.

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From the last page of the "Spot The Fake Smile" Test - "when a smile is genuine, the eye cover fold - the fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and the eyelid - moves downwards and the end of the eyebrows dip slightly." - So now I know why my eyes always look closed in photos!

Singapore Paranormal Investigators Proudly Presents "A Night with Tang-Ki" - "SPI cordially invite you to join our forthcoming club gathering with a highlight called "A Night with Tang-Ki". You will get to witness Taoist Tang-Ki's dance in trance, summon deities into their bodies and perform amazing acts like chopping their bodies with sharp swords. What's more. We will work together as a team to investigate the Tang-Ki performance using night vision goggles, measuring atmospheric changes during the ritual and perhaps a short interview with the Tang-Ki's. With luck, we may capture the first paranormal pictures on how spirits enter and leave the Tang-Ki's body, or record some abnormal EMF on the spot. It will nevertheless be a great opportunity to explore into the mystery of Taoism rituals and learn more about them from the Tang-Ki's. So don't miss out."

Photobucket - Good, *free* image hosting allowing direct linking!


Disturbing activities:

"i set eyes upon two young bucks frolicking on the bed, humping one another from various tricky angles."

More Miserable Moanings

I remember reading an article about how the American Right Wing has managed to mould public thought in America by its clever manipulation of language to its advantage. This puts me in mind of the SAF. Take the word "National Service" for example. It implies that it is a way of serving one's country, and has the connotation of duty. I refuse to accept the paradigm that the apparatchiks are trying to implant in me subliminally, which is why I call it "National Slavery". For, if not similar then related reasons, Chinx calls it "Neverending Slavery".

Take, then, what the SAF, with its collective wapred mind, considers "privileges". E-mart "breaks" are a "privilege". Canteen breaks are a "privilege". Booking out is a "privilege". By defining basic rights as "privileges" and using the term copiously, they get most slaves to accept implicitly that they are fortunate to be given these "privileges". I reckon that if they had their way, they would proclaim that it was a "privilege" that us slaves do not spend 2 1/2 years imprisoned at the bottom of a pit, wallowing in our filth and excrement, with naught but unleavened bread and brackish water to survive on, and "Property of the SAF" tattooed all over our bodies.

All this just goes to show once again that for all their glowing talk of "duty", "honour" and "sacrifice", and the gold medals Lee Kuan Yew gave the first batch of Slaves, it is all a sham to deceive pre-enlistees and the fortunate members of the public who have not had the chance to "serve" their country. Once you're in, the facade is dropped and you are treated like the inhuman scum that you are, not deserving of humane treatment, to be stripped of human dignity in the name of "discipline" and "regimentation", all because you have little or no rank (a concept that, in the end, is empty and worthless for a surefire way to get it is either through good A level results or signing on)

Meanwhile, in an insidious if ingenious ploy, the best and brightest, the natural leaders of any rebellion from among the ranks, are co-opted into the system as Officers and given a few more "privileges" than the rest to placate them. Some others are elevated to the posts of Specialists - junior commanders and given similar "privileges", albeit to a lesser degree. They are then turned on each other - BMT Sergeants against their Recruits, jailers in DB against the inmates and indeed, Local Third Sergeants against their Men. The fellow slaves who should stand united instead fall to the strategy of Divide and Conquer, and the slavemasters are satisfied.

More and more, I tend to agree with parts of He Who Must Not Be Named's theory - "i admit NS has become more about social engineering and mind control than it has about actual military defense." Why else do they enslave everyone when not everyone is needed? Why can't conscientious objectors choose to do non-military "service", as is the norm in other countries with conscription? And why else is the philosophy behind NS "make them suffer" rather than "make them defend Singapore"?

Only the 4 Ds can end my misery: reDeployment (not strictly a 'D' but we have the 3 'Rs', so) - extremely unlikely due to my lack of skill and impending ORD, Downgrading - unlikely since I'm too stupid, lazy, honest (I don't even take MCs unless I am very sick) and blacklisted, Discharge - only a matter of time (188 days as of 6th Dec) and Death - also only a matter of time. The question is whether it will take more or less than 188 days in 42SAR to kill me.

188 days to go. I've survived this long in oppression before, albeit not in a place where I am Public Enemy Number 1. Sometimes I just want someone to comfort me and tell me everything will be alright soon, and that soon I will be free - except for the 2 weeks of ICT every year and RT sessions lasting 3 hours each, 3 times a week, 8 weeks a year - from this organisation based on lies, and able to get on with what's left of my life with what's left of my energies, mind and sanity.

As Cesspit used to say, "ming2 tian1 hui4 geng4 hao3" (Translation: Tomorrow will be a better day).


The Weekly Grind - 42SAR

Latest tidbit from "Gabriel's Believe It Or Not?": In 42SAR, the Powers That Be have decided that for 3 months, enlistees will only visit the 42SAR Canteen so they can ascertain the quality of the current caterers and decide whether to retain them - as if everyone didn't already know it was a sucky canteen and so voted with their feet and wallets. It seems that, after at least a year of offering mediocre, un-fresh food and overpriced drinks, the stall holders have complained. So much for the free market, and so much for commanders leading by example and suffering with their men.

My company has sent so many people to the Unit Fitness Program that it can be renamed the "42 Fitness Program", seeing as more than 95% of its "participants" are from 42. I wonder what will happen when, one day, we have too many people to fit in the gym comfortably. Furthermore, they told us, at first, that we would have to take attendance at 42 at 4:00pm, a good half an hour before UFP starts officially, so we would have even less time to settle our work. Luckily, they realised their folly and changed the time for attendance taking to 4:20pm.

In one day, we had 5BX, SOC and UFP. Then the next day we had 5BX again, then a run out of camp, to the Scout Camp (Sarimbun - they got lost, incidentally). Gee, I wonder who plans our training program.

My S4 was praising my "not giving up" and continuing to participate in the various physical activities I'm being put through, which set me wondering why I was being so silly as to continue. The reasons are probably the same as why I'm not actively seeking to downgrade (I'm too stupid, lazy, honest and blacklisted) and why I worked relatively hard for our recent IQA - my misguided sense of responsibility.

One Thursday's company PT ended at 10:30 for people like me who got <225cm for standing broad jump. I was so zoned out I could'nt do anything till late afternoon. They must think we're as free as they are. The extra-long duration was justified as being "for your own good" and a way of "helping" us so we wouldn't have to do RT. This is just like saying that gangsters demanding protection money is for our own good and a way of "helping" us so that they do not have to come down with their whole gang to break our legs later.

We had our HQ Company "OC evening" one night. Our fire wasn't burning well, so our Senior Medic brought out his "secret weapon" - the solid fuel from the field rations. It's reputed to be poisonous but apparently some MOs had endorsed it before, so we merrily cooked our satay until we realised that white flecks of solid fuel were appearing on them, whereupon we dumped the solid fuel and Ban Xiong valiantly ate the contaminated sticks (so if he gets stomach cancer in a few decades we'll all know why). Later there was a somewhat ingenious party game where pre-chosen groups of 4 from each platoon had to eat boxes of "delicacies" - pieces of capsicum, lemon, onions, carrots and chili padi generously seasoned with wasabi. I was selected but luckily the others ate the chili padi for me. For our troubles, we won the top prize - 2 boxes of chocolates, but even that wasn't enough to clear the bad taste from our mouths.

People were killing time before booking out, so they bounced a squash ball at my cupboard - at Asian Prince's head. They missed it most of the time, due to his mystical powers, but they hit the picture of Blue Bear and Kimberly a few times! Gah.

Nowadays large parts of our routine orders repeat every few days. I think they ran out of stuff to put in them and just want some filler space, but all that happens is that people ignore what's written in them.

Some time ago, Second and First Sergeants in my unit joined the Third Sergeants and below in having to sign book in / book out books. A pity for them, but it means the rest of us should no longer be imprisoned by arms clearing late, since the 2SGs and 1SGs will kill the armskoteman and poison the Duty Officer if if they clear arms after 6:30pm.

Those who take the shuttle buses out of camp aren't allowed to stand on the buses, contrary to public practice. I think they're kiasu, as usual.

Ban Xiong has finally been promoted to S/3SG (Substantive Third Sergeant), so he will finally earn pay less grossly disproportionate to his workload and responsibility. It's been good having a L-3SG (Local Third Sergeant) around. Having a S/3SG is so boring, as they're a dime a dozen and it's so easy to attain that rank. Now for L-3SG - you need an outstanding individual for him to warrant the favour and recognition the rank confers. And there are fringe benefits too - people get to misuse your name and emblazon it all over the place!

I wonder why people like to make light of my suffering. Perhaps they think that if they can do it, so can I, so all my breakdowns, depressed looks, tiredness and pains must be faked. By the same token, since I do not get footrot, everyone who claims to have it is faking it and should be charged for mutilating their skin to fake the condition.


The Weekly Grind - Medical Centre

One morning, one DXO got bitten by a snake which refused to let go. So he managed to catch it, tie it up in a bag and bring it to the medical centre. In the afternoon, I noticed that the snake was still there, so I decided to kill it so it wouldn't bite anyway. Someone suggested autoclaving it, but I thought alcohol a better choice. So I put the bag in a giant metal bowl, the sort used for kneading pastry. I then poured alcohol in and let it seep in through the small holes in the bag the Senior Medic had poked with a syringe earlier to allow the snake to breathe. After a while, the snake became agitated. Someone suggested injecting alcohol into the bag since it was seeping in slowly. I thought that was a good idea, but while I was waving the syringe around, I poked myself deeply on a finger, so I let someone else do the dirty work. Being bored with just injecting alcohol into the bag, he then squirted alcohol into the snake's mouth when it was open, and later injected alcohol directly into the body of the snake. The snake was in its death throes when someone else came by and snatched the bag away from me, intending to free it. I tried to protect everyone by getting the bag back, but alas, to no avail. He then washed the snake in the drain (it was raining) and flung the now-immobile snake down the slope towards the guardhouse. So if one of the guards gets bitten one day, we all know who to blame.

Idiots always sleep on my mattresses with their boots on and leave dirty stains on the sheets, so I have now made bedsheets items of individual issue. Hah!


The Weekly Grind - Other SAF and Misc Stuff

Why is there a tendency to label all enlistees who display signs of fatigue or injury not readily obvious (eg severed head, haemorrhages, deep lacerations) as "chao keng"? This bashing is regularly engaged in not only by commanders but by fellow enlistees, which makes it particularly disturbing and dangerous to the cause of enlistee unity. One day, one of these "chao keng" enlistees will die. Oh wait. That's already happened. Meanwhile some commanders find ways to disappear or avoid training or work, and/or are forever on MC (maybe regulars who take too many MCs should be discharged w/o a pension for "poor health"). When they come to report sick in camp, they get MCs easily even though they're not really sick - because they're regulars.

Commanders are supposed to lead by example eg not asking their men to do anything unless they are willing to do them themselves. If that is the case, why are they granted so many more "privileges"? Some justify this by saying that they have earned it after going through SISPEC and OCS, but from many accounts, those institutions are not that difficult to pass out from, and sometimes enlistees go through more. Besides, how can 9 months in OCS justify a lifetime of respect? Bollocks. "Rank is worn, respect is earned" - this saying is not uncommon, but how many people with rank actually earn it?

The mini furore over the recent announcement that reservists would be able to do their IPPT in gyms on treadmills was amusing. Some complain of a lack of realism - why don't they do their IPPT in Standard Battle order (Helmet, Webbing and Rifle) then? No one goes to war in singlet and shorts. Anyhow, we all know that the SAF is imbued with a peacetime mentality - why else are the men treated as slaves and inferior beings rather than fellow soldiers to fight and die alongside with? Know what "SAF" stands for? "Singapore Acting Force". 'Nuff said.

My sources inform me that in the near future, officers and specialists will be enslaved for 24 months, and enlistees for 21. Though I will not get to benefit from this, I am happy for all the poor unfortunate souls after me, who will be slightly less poor and unfortunate.

The NKF came down to give us a "free" health screening. I was intensely suspicious and sure enough, it turned out to be a series of cheap tests, ending with a donation drive, and many were conned into signing up for recurring monthly donations. When it came to my turn, I stalwartly refused and was asked why. Each of my points was countered adroitly (or otherwise) by the woman they'd put at the last counter. The temp staff being paid ridiculously ($8/hr?) was justified as getting them to provide "quality service" (from office temps? And I didn't even talk about the perm staff's bonuses). Their lavish building was "sponsored" (for the price of the building, think of how many dialysis machines they could have bought). And they "didn't pay the full cost" for the VCDs they flooded us with and all the TCS Channel 8 TV Shows they commissioned (imagine how many needles could have been bought instead). I didn't even mention how they had a glut of publicity, and even a yearly televised fundraiser. They suck money from the populace unceasingly, and their thirst is never quenched.

I bought this lousy Made in Ma-laysia deodorant some time bad. I do not know what possessed me to buy it, for not only was it from a cheapskate sounding brand, it had an odd rose smell. After my purchase, I found to my displeasure that it didn't last very long and made me smell like a cheap harlot doused with some quantity of hair spray. But since it was for camp use, it wasn't that bad. Then one day, I shook the bottle to ensure the roller was wet. The roller flew off and the liquid spilt all over my bosom and face, some nearly entering my mouth. Wth.


Outside the Middle Of Nowhere

Company and organisational "visions" and "missions" always sound suspiciously similar, probably because they are written for their own sake, and not for any further purpose. Anyhow, since only the gullible take heed of them, why do they even exist? I think that visions and missions are the quintessential products of New Age Management Kitsch, or worse - an ISO 900X requirement!

The New Paper reported that a survey of 2 boys' schools and one girls' school found that in the former, requests for games sites far outnumbered those for porn sites, and it was the reverse in the latter. This being "Singapore's Number One Tabloid!", I was immediately suspicious. For all we know, these 3 schools were blips on the radar and the proportion of site requests were the other way around in 30 other schools, and I have my suspicions about which girls school was surveyed. But assuming the story was not misleading - so much for the so-called fairer sex.

I wanted to watch Messiah with Andrew but thanks to 42 which won't let me take half a day off on that Friday afternoon. Gah. Oh well, there's always next year.


Quotes:

Is alcohol a drug allergy? [Me: You're allergic to alcohol? So sad. Then you can't go clubbing.] Oh, shut up.

[Me: Ah, all the action we missed out on when we were 18] Watch 'Girls Gone Wild'.

[On tucking Ban Xiong in] You must read him a bedtime story or sing him a lullaby.

[On CFM] She dresses well

[On CFM] So ugly, so disappointing

[On CFM] Your CFM is CMI - Cannot Make It.

Life in 42 is getting from bad to worse

[On the Casio Exilim] That one's just for girls lah

[On SOC] If you really cannot [do it], then do what I always say - go and injure yourself.

Balderdash is in the big leagues now!

Vote for us.. er... i mean, Gabriel right here

The line-up, so far as I can see at this point in time are:

a) A narcissist with a pastel colour-fetish and punctuation issues
b) An origami site
c) A classic Amy Tan-esque "banana-re-exploring-roots-in-a-voyage-of-self-discovery-between-generations -and-cultures"
d) Another classic "intelligent-and-emotionally-balanced-but-slightly-quirky-and-just-this-side-of-obliquely -literate-somewhere-in-tertiary-education" archetype
e) A fat autistic whining about NS in copious torrents of prose and his no-life, dysfunctional, sometime contributor.

*Thankfully*, none of the nominees *appear* to be Goths, self-mutilators, poets, template whores, camgirls, RPG addicts, Adrian Moles, or those who think the web serves exclusively as an amphitheater for their soliloquies of obtuse whining about emotional issues which they refuse to elaborate on but insist on publicising anyway.

[Ed: Update - as of 6th Dec, 11:25pm, Balderdash is in first place - 20 votes to the runner up's 19 and the second runner up's 18]

Caught the Swingle Singers last Saturday. For some reason there was a bag search - maybe they were afraid someone wanted to shoot them. It was my first time in the Esplanade Concert Hall - the layout was interesting but didn't seem an optimum way to squeeze in more seats. I didn't get any reception inside, so maybe it was an evil plot to disable mobile phones.

The first half of the concert was a tribute to the first Swingle Group from the 60s, so I recognised most of the songs. Given that it was supposed to be a "tribute", I'll forgive their sounding almost exactly like the tracks on "Jazz Sebastian Bach".

In the second half, they strode onto stage in these grotesque red and white outfits. I think they should fire their current designer - the one who clothed them 2 years back was much better.


Yechao, David, Screwed Up Girl and I went for a spot of ice cream after the concert, and found that Haagen Dazs' prices were daylight robbery - $4.20 for one scoop - so we got 2 double scoops.


I gave Hwa some Vanilla Ice Cream and he thought it was Banana. Oh well, this can't beat the time he thought Durian was Pear.


Visited Bodyworlds on Sunday with our "Poor Suffering Substantive Third Sergeant, Formerly a Poor Suffering Local Third Sergeant, the Self-Proclaimed 'Master of Office' yada yada" and his Unspecified Friend. It seemed that almost all the bodies on display were of males. Maybe females don't like to pledge their bodies to science. We also felt cheated, for we were led to believe that the bodies of a horse and its rider would be on display. Maybe it's in the Hamburg exhibit.

I don't think that all those people thought, when they pledged their bodies to scince, that they'd be on display in a travelling exhibit. I also wonder where they got all the fetuses from - I don't think that many mothers pledged their aborted fetuses to science, or pledged their own bodies and died in various stages of pregnancy.


Why is Singapore filled with "shrill, anorexic, Chinese-speaking Ah Lians" (a phrase I coined a few weeks ago and am quite proud of)?

It took me an hour and 8 minutes to come back, by TIBS buses 61 and 855, from Andrew's house. This is ridiculous.


Humour on the M$ website:

Tweakomatic

"The problem we faced, though, was this: how can we outdo a
piece of software as slick and as useful as TweakUI? How can we find a
way to provide even more of what customers need and desire? How
can we justify playing Age of Mythology all day when we're supposed to
be working? We pondered this dilemma long and hard when suddenly it hit
us. There's only one way to outdo a great piece of software like
TweakUI: the Tweakomatic. (Yes, it's so obvious you're probably
wondering why you didn't think of it.)

"


Sexual syndrome that takes joy out of life - 'The syndrome is the opposite of the usual female sexual complaint -- difficulty getting aroused. Instead, patients sustain unrelenting physical arousal, no matter how many orgasms they have. They are not nymphomaniacs; they do not experience desire. Rather, they feel the vaginal congestion and pulsation of arousal, and it is not about pleasure -- far from it.

"It's just a horror," said Lila, a 71-year-old woman who has had the syndrome since brain and bladder surgery in 1999, and said she often has 200 small orgasms a day. "It bothers me more than the breast cancer," an advanced case that was diagnosed two years ago.

"This never stops, it never lets up," she said, and it ruins everything, including car travel, dinner parties, and simply sitting on the couch. "It colors your whole life."

"If you gave me the choice of this or never having another orgasm as long as I live," Lila said, "I'll take never having another one as long as I live."'

My brother in law bought me Empires: Dawn of the Modern World. Yeh.

In other news, he is returning Bam Bam, the pussy, because he was feeling miserable cooped up the whole day.

Differences between Men and Women - Boys Toys are so much Better than Girls Toys

Have you noticed at Christmas that boys get toys that are just so much better than girls toys? Boys will get things like Lego or Construx, models of air planes and air-craft carriers, rocket kits, chemistry sets, electronic boards, robots and cars that actually drive. Girls on the other hand get junk like little Barbie dolls, or even worse horrendous little fake babies that pee and poop when you feed them. If they are real lucky the girl might get a play house that they can pretend to be a bitter married middle-aged house wife in.

Boys toys are better for two reasons:

1) They are just plain funner. I mean seriously, what's cooler: constructing and blasting a model rocket thousands of feet into the air, watching it come down on its parachute (if it deploys properly - its even funner if it doesn't deploy), or mindlessly brushing the nylon hair of the useless hunk of plastic that is a Barbie, muttering how pretty she is all the while resenting her long legs and big bust.

2) They are educational. Chemistry sets, lego and construx are all preparing the little scientists and engineers of the future. They all teach the basics of science and engineering: the driving forces behind civilization. What are Barbies and other dolls teaching little girls? How to feel bad about themselves because they cannot possibly achieve the ideal that Barbie creates? Or with the pooping baby: seriously, there will be more than enough time in the future to clean up poopy diapers. Same with playing house. Come on now, how boring and pointless is that. I play house all the time now and it sucks big time.

Little girls, get out there and make something! Use lego, contstrux, even popsicle sticks. Then once you make it, blow it up! Like the boys do! Believe me, its a lot of fun. A lot funner than those rancid pooping babies that's for sure. Parents take note.

This all leads to a much larger social issues as well. It is because of how we condition our children with these gender roles from such an early age that you don't see nearly as many women in the useful jobs like scientists or engineers. Women generally go into more pointless 'nurturing' and 'people-oriented' jobs like school teachers and strippers. It sickens me. There is nothing sexier in this earth that a woman in a lab coat with splash goggles or a hard-hat on, but damn are they hard to find (and if you do find them, they are taken!).

These toys also leads to how women and men differ as consumers. Any TV commercial you see directed towards woman will be one of these 3 types of products:

1) Stuff to make women look pretty - Things like clothes and cosmetics. I find cosmetics hilarious: little greasy creams and paints that women spread around on your face to try and cover and mask up their natural features. Think about how ridiculous it would be for men to put on makeup (ok, straight men). I hope one day women come to their senses and scrap this bullshit. Anyways, my point is that the unholy obsession with Prostitute Barbie, with her raccon eye shadow and strumpet lipstick is partly to blame for this state of affairs

2) Stuff to keep the house clean - Notice even today how all household cleaning commercials have still have only women in them. If I was a woman, and not even a feminist I would be outraged by this. As a man I'm outraged because I do lots of cleaning, but is there ever a man with his arm in the toilet up to his elbow scrubbing away? No! But playing house has conditioned women to accept this sorry state without question.

3) Feminine Hygiene (this one maybe doesn't have anything to do with toys - is there a menstruating Barbie out there? I would not be suprised if there was) - We won't even go too far down this road, 'cept to say there should be laws against these commercials.

Young girl to her mother says: 'Sometimes I feel, you know, not so Fresh-'

Me watching commercial: 'NOOOOOOOO! THE HORROR! LALALALALAL'

Me: *Flips channel to good old wholesome show with people being blown to bits*

Men on the other hand get all the cool adverting directed towards them: beer, cars, TVs, computers, electronics, food, you name it. Any funny and clever ad, (and they are few and far between) will be directed towards men. If I was a woman, I would once again be outraged by this, but since I'm a man I just sit back and enjoy.

So in conclusion I just want to say to all of you parents of little girls out there - think carefully before you buy your daughter the all new Pooping Menstruating Barbie for Christmas, or whatever girly bullshit you were thinking of buying her - her entire future is at stake.


Historic Tale Construction Kit - Make your own Bayeux Tapestry

The Troth - A group of people who worship the old Viking Gods - Odin, Thor, Frigga and others

OAP's Michelbungalo - An artistic pensioner has spent 20 years painting his house — into a copy of the famous Sistine Chapel. When I become a pensioner, I want to do funky things like this.

Fasting fakir flummoxes physicians - Doctors and experts are baffled by an Indian hermit who claims not to have eaten or drunk anything for several decades - but is still in perfect health. The human body is mysterious indeed

Love 'as addictive as cocaine' - Love could be as addictive as cocaine or speed, scientists have said. Going by the logic of the war against drugs, we should ban love too.

Welcome to the White House - WWW.WHITEHOUSE.ORG - One of the current stories: ADDRESS BY AMERICA'S OWN QUEEN MOTHER, BARBARA PIERCE BUSH, TO CONCERNED WOMEN FOR AMERICA ANNOUNCING NATIONAL CLITORIDECTOMY DAY

Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Division - dihydrogen monoxide info

Kids Think There Is Too Much Tv Sex - Two-thirds of youngsters think there is too much sex on some TV programmes. And many are cynical about raunchy pop videos made by stars such as Britney Spears - claiming they are a cover for lack of talent. One 12-year-old boy said of Britney: "She's selling us her looks basically. I think she's not got anything between her ears - and her voice isn't that good either."

Melvin has been put on the Unit Fitness Program as well, and his weight is also being monitored. I think this is really unfair, because unlike me, his BMI is only slightly above 25. Hell, many regulars are fatter than him. The sin that got him into this? Failing SOC. And in his case, I don't think 5BX, UFP or losing 500g of weight is going to help him any bit.

To build up our arm power, our CSM has decreed that all those in the UFP have to perform a certain exercise, which I shall describe shortly, three times a day - during 5BX, at 11:45 and at 5:00. The exercise involves a full water bottle and a stick, to which a length of comms cord is tied. The water bottle is tied to the comms cord, and we hold the stick out at chest level and turn it till the bottle is pulled up to reach the stick. How effective this is in training our pull-up ability, I don't know, but it can't be very much so.

We had a familiarisation shoot with the SAR 21. I was tired from UFP, 5BX, Company Runs, Overtime done to produce useless, superfluous, unnecessarily detailed statistics and such and only got 2/10 for one round. But there were others who got 1/10 or 0/10 :0

The flurry of activity in the SAF with regards to safety is useless. At the top levels, committees are convening and reviews are underway. People are coming down to check safety procedures more often. At at ground level, we are forced to implement more useless measures for show - for example, signing more forms so higher-ups are covered and taking ridiculously-easy tests on Training Safety Regulations (as if knowing the regulations means you'll follow them). Regardless of the final result, all they are doing is trying to ameliorate the symptoms and not attacking the root of the problem - the culture of the SAF. A culture which prizes rank over ability and intelligence. A culture of fear and regimentation. A culture which discourages thinking and encourages the blind following of orders, no matter how brainless or immoral. Ultimately, the culture and tradition, built up over 36 years, of an unnecessary conscription which enslaves the flower of our youth and proceeds to dehumanise them.

We shifted our bunks for the 2nd time in 5 months. And supposedly we're due to shift again in February. How gloriously efficient. When we moved in, our new bunk was dirty as hell. The areas under the beds looked like they'd been unswept for months. There were cigarettes strewn all around the bunk, giving me the impression that it was the 3rd smoking point on the 4th floor of HQ Company. There was hair everywhere, even in the drawers, leading us to suspect people had moonlighted as barbers. And all the tables and chairs were filthy. On the bright side, our new bunk is more spacious, having 4 fewer cupboards and 4 fewer beds and both fans are working so it is less hot, stuffy, humid and smelly, especially at night. Alvin is no longer sleeping with us, having shifted to another bunk, so we are no longer treated daily to the sight of the Television tuned to Chinese-dubbed anime like Card Captor Sakura at 6am in the morning, something I think we all hated but didn't have the heart to stop.

It seems I'm being arrowed incessantly for duty. This month I've done 2 weekends and 2 weekdays. I better not get *any* duty next month.

A puzzle I've been pondering over for a while: There are no Muslims in my unit, so why do we ALWAYS get Muslim Combat Rations when we go outfield?! I miss the pasta!

They have this "Positive NS Experience" dialogue coming up and apparently all those who have no complaints about NS and are generally going are happy. I want to go too, but they'll never send me. Oh well, I suppose the name of the thing says it all - they want to hear about Positive Experiences, so they can continue being deluded.

The organiser of our Games Day told us to be there at 7:45am. Our CRO (Company Routine Orders) told us to be there at 7:30am. And then our CSM brought the time back to 7:15am after that. In the end we waited till 7:45am for everyone to come anyway, and people like me had to drag themselves out of bed before 6 to reach Pasir Ris Park in time. "Rush to wait, wait to rush" indeed. What a waste of time.

During the Games Day we had Tug Of War, last held about a year ago. As usual, HQ won since we've all the fat people (though girth and tug of war ability are not exactly proportional). And as usual, we didn't win, even though we've the most people. We also got to vote on a new battalion T-shirt, in a typically inefficient SAF fashion, involving everyone in the battalion lining up behind their chosen design, resulting in indistinct lines and general pandemonium. The design that won overwhelmingly was one with a - get this - white horse (representing a "Bronco") on it. So 3 years after the White Horse system was scrapped in the SAF, we will have a whole battalion of White Horses!


I remember when Bayesian filtering first came out, people were crowing about how spam was finally defeated, since spammers rely on the contents of their emails to peddle their wares, and Bayesian filtering targets those very contents. Sadly, it seems spammers are wising up, and are either substituting funny characters for real letters (eg p0rn), breaking up or merging keywords (eg V-I-A-G-R-A, ParisHilton), adding nonsensical words into their message bodies (eg lqfnjiavljloianx, vkffrzy) or embedding images of their ads instead of having them in text form.

Brainless motivational poster: "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your mind off your goals". That might be the case, but whether or not you see them, obstacles are there. Burying your head in the sand like an ostrich is not going to make the obstacles go away. Isn't it better for you to proceed, aware of the obstacles and thus able to avoid or overcome them than proceed on like an over-optimistic, fool misled by too many motivational posters?

I think "Are You Hot?" marks a new low in Reality TV. Make that non-pornographic Reality TV, for I think Voyeur Dorm is at the next level. It's all wrestling's fault, I say, but at least in the WWE, they admit that it's scripted.

Me: Why do people watch wrestling if it's scripted?
Friend: Because the script is good.


Quotes:

42 loves you. [Me: If that is love, I don't want to know what hate is]

[On my troubles] I know it's painful lah, but what can we do? This is 42.

[Sign] Secular Engineering & Construction Pte Ltd

[On why Koi have reappeared in the RSM's pond] 42 is going downhill.

[On SIB - Special Investigation Branch - monitoring my blog] Wah. SIB must be very fun.

I am the Master Of Office. Don't doubt me.

You all have been briefted on how to do the clicking right. (briefed)

Where's the "Army Dream Girl?" [Someone: She's there what. *points to one side*]

[On our compiling useless, superfluous, unnecessarily detailed statistics] Does he also want to know whether they like cheese burgers or veggies burgers?

[On calling someone] Hi Sir, I'm at Ponderosa now, eating [a] buffet. [Me: Eating Ice Cream] What can you do about it?


Quote of the Day:

"Tantum religio potuit suadere malorum" (Lucretius, On The Nature Of Things)


Rejected Economist Letters (the identity of the person shall remain a mystery, to protect his identity):

Sir,

I protest against the comment that "Malaysia is probably now the most repressive country in non-communist South-East Asia, after Myanmar" (After Mahathir, Oct 30th). South of the border, there is at least one non-communist country which has almost no public demonstrations to speak of ( bar the occasional noisemaker in front of the Istana ); has no independent local mass media ( the government has the controlling stakes in both the big media companies); whose unions are led by government ministers; continues to use basically the same laws that Malaysia has to place people under arbitrary arrest- and indeed, has an even smaller opposition presence in parliament than its neighbour. When it comes to being "repressive", my country surely wins hands down. Perhaps Dr Mahathir did have a point about western media bias after all.

My brother in law just brought "Bam Bam" home. My mother is not talking to him.

I wonder how this will resolve.


Search Engine Referralss:

gollum politician - ???

burger king bmt course

Compulsory NS for girls - Mmm.

webshots community zaogeng - Isn't that illegal and against their TOS?

"night training" sex lessons free

scgs girl forced - Fantasies are running wild.

"ugly BCG scar" - Mine was, before it got cut out in Sec 1.

jamie yeo breast

topless cpr scenes - Erm.

church's view on vitiligo - Maybe this is what the ancient Hebrews mistook as "leprosy"

poster named "Temple of Zeus" - wth

buy rgs pinafore photo - Why buy a photo when you can buy the real thing on Yahoo! Auctions?


October 24, 2003 - Wireless Flash

Study Suggests Oprah Winfrey Causes Mental Stress

SEDONA, Ariz. (Wireless Flash) -- If you're stressed to your limits, Oprah Winfrey may be to blame.

According to a new study conducted for a new self-help book, "The Sedona Method" (Sedona Press), 5 percent of Americans claim they are "so stressed they don't know how to cope" -- and half of those people are avid fans of Oprah.

Even more ominous: 76 percent of Oprah fans say their lives are "insufficiently serene" compared to only 66 percent of non-fans.

In addition, Oprah fans are 50 percent more likely to pop pills for anxiety than fans of "Harry Potter."

Hale Dwoskin, who commissioned the study, says more research needs to be done before it can be determined if Oprah causes stress or if her show is simply more appealing to anxious people.

I just posted the following on someone's comments box, regarding an accident he had. Besides its original context, I think it is also a very valid rebuttal (with some changes, of course) to those who subscribe to the self-deluding New Age theories on how to stay happy and be optimisitc.

As usual, those who are easily offended should continue no further.


"Sorry to spoil your reverie, but I would like to point out that regardless what happens, many Christians will thank their god.

Eg:
If they are uninjured - Praise be to God! I am uninjured! It's a miracle!

If they are slightly injured - Praise be to God! I am barely scratched! He's watching over me!

If they are injured - Praise be to God! I am injured, yet since I have faith in him, I have come out stronger. Hallelujah!

If they are badly injured - Praise be to God! This is a caution to me, to tell me not to be so careless next time. Thank you God for protecting me from death this time. I will take better care of myself next time.

If they are crippled for life - Praise be to God! Though I am crippled in body, I am whole in spirit. I will strive to extol him and glorify his name further. I will serve as a testament to his mercy and grace.

If they die - [Said by others] Praise be to God! He has taken xxx to his side, and saved him the torments of his life. His time was up, so he was taken according to God's plan. Amen.

Sounds like a no-lose proposition, don't it?"

Addendum (25/11):

Some responses I got on the forum where I posted the above:

"Christians have always been the masters of rationization.Sometimes it borders on creative genius.If the explanation has the slightest bit of plausability,they're satisfied with it.They could flip a coin and pray that it turns up heads.If it does,praise God!A clear demonstration that God is with us.If it's tails,it's God's will and someday we'll understand.Then if there's the slightest positive result of it being tails,it proves that God,in his wisdom,knew what He was doing the whole time!"

"I love how God can never be the bad guy. There's always some reason why God will is always the right way. If some guy gets crushed by a steamroller, there's some mumbo jumbo about how God had a plan for him or some shit like that.
I always wonder what the rationalization is for people who agonize over diabetes or bone marrow cancer, who agonize for prolonged periods of time before they finally called by God."

Turn Left - Make Your Own Conspiracy Theory (Conservative Version) - Reminiscent of Mad Magazine's "make up your own song lyrics" features

BBC's HARDtalk interview Singapore's PM Goh - Hard grilling indeed.

ABC - New home of that ABC flash I was talking about some time back. A new, great, fun way to learn your alphabet, set to a familiar tune!

Attraction and the Persistence of Selective Reading - Study on Internet dating

Soppy Taiwanese Flash Love Stories - Inexplicably popular in camp right now

The Cross In Space - Some Fundie Wackos are putting a cross in space. When I make my first trillion I will send up a Ba Gua (those eight sided mirrors) to join it.

Subtly Simpsons - A list of lines from The Simpsons that the editors have found to be particularly witty, often with their humor derived from subtleties of language, esoteric allusions, or just plain wit.

"Bart: Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?
Marge: You just answered your own question with that commode mouth. Besides, you kids need to learn morals and decency and how to love your fellow man.
[in church]
Lovejoy: And with flaming swords, the Aromites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh...
Episode: 2F04, Bart's Girlfriend"

"Lionel Huntz tells Homer: "This is the greatest case of False Advertising I've seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story
Episode: Homer at the All-you-can-eat restaurant"

"Sideshow Bob: Hah! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?
Episode: 2F02, Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"Burns: Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
Episode: 8F04, Homer Defined"


I am 43% Internet Addict

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com

Wah so little. Even Screwed Up Girl got more than 50%.


Quote of the Day:

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of quotations. - Winston Churchill

My brother in law related to me an exchange he had with a SAF Officer about how people in the SAF do things without thinking.

Apparently someone had been talking to some of them (the military men, not chao corporals like Hwa) and told them about the time he had visited the Supply and Transport Training School (STTS). He noticed that 3 tonner drivers were taught to start their vehicles in second gear, and finding that odd, asked the people there why. They replied that they didn't know, and taught it for it had always been done that way (typical).

He asked them to check it out, and after extensive tracing, they managed to grab hold of the first STTS Encik, who said that the first 3 tonner models were lousy, and he'd found they started with more power on second gear. Of course, this is no longer relevant, but the good ole SAF continues this practice mindlessly.

My brother in law replied that in the Army, they're too concerned with making NSFs eat breakfast to think, and told him about my CSM's scheme to make us eat our meals. The Officer laughed.

Of Revenge

Revenge is a kind of wild justice; which the more man's nature runs to, the more ought law to weed it out. For as for the first wrong, it doth but offend the law; but the revenge of that wrong, putteth the law out of office.

Certainly, in taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior; for it is a prince's part to pardon. And Solomon, I am sure, saith, It is the glory of a man, to pass by an offence. That which is past is gone, and irrevocable; and wise men have enough to do, with things present and to come; therefore they do but trifle with themselves, that labor in past matters. There is no man doth a wrong, for the wrong's sake; but thereby to purchase himself profit, or pleasure, or honor, or the like. Therefore why should I be angry with a man, for loving himself better than me? And if any man should do wrong, merely out of ill-nature, why, yet it is but like the thorn or briar, which prick and scratch, because they can do no other. The most tolerable sort of revenge, is for those wrongs which there is no law to remedy; but then let a man take heed, the revenge be such as there is no law to punish; else a man's enemy is still before hand, and it is two for one. Some, when they take revenge, are desirous, the party should know, whence it cometh. This is the more generous. For the delight seemeth to be, not so much in doing the hurt, as in making the party repent. But base and crafty cowards, are like the arrow that flieth in the dark. Cosmus, duke of Florence, had a desperate saying against perfidious or neglecting friends, as if those wrongs were unpardonable; You shall read (saith he) that we are commanded to forgive our enemies; but you never read, that we are commanded to forgive our friends. But yet the spirit of Job was in a better tune: Shall we (saith he) take good at God's hands, and not be content to take evil also? And so of friends in a proportion. This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge, keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal, and do well. Public revenges are for the most part fortunate; as that for the death of Caesar; for the death of Pertinax; for the death of Henry the Third of France; and many more. But in private revenges, it is not so. Nay rather, vindictive persons live the life of witches; who, as they are mischievous, so end they infortunate.

--- Francis Bacon - The Essays

Currently struggling through a Penguin Classics edition of the above. This essay is one of the more understandable ones. Maybe I'll be able to comprehend the rest better in a few years.


On the Wheel of Time:

"Ugh, I hate this guy. Robert Jordan is the Britney Spears of hack fantasy novelists, whose greatest glories are his overhyped, masturbatory, enormously sloppy brick-sized tomes full of scrabbled-together ideas stolen from his betters, which he seems to be able to produce at the rate rabbits reproduce, and his apparent utter inability to know when to shut the fuck up. Will someone please send this greedy bastard to Mars before he writes any more? Jesus. //"

Perhaps only those not possessing archaic, anachronistic and outmoded morals will not find the act of selling inherently "degrading and contemptible", but are able to look beyond the holier-than-thou moralising to see it for what it is - a simple commercial transaction.

As is the selling of the mind.

Only if the act of "selling" is inherently "degrading and contemptible", or maybe the mind possesses certain characteristics which are not despoiled by commercial transactions, whereas the body does (or at least that's the common delusion). I'm sure there are many other flaws to your syllogism.

If the mind is higher than, and superior to the body, is not the selling of the mind an altogether more degrading and contemptible act than the selling of the body?

[Ed: A note to nitpickers - this is a mere thought, and does not mean that I hold the selling of the body to be degrading and contemptible.]

The Webmaster would like to clarify that his selection of quotes does not in any way reflect his personal opinions.

He would also like to state that not all quotes make sense, and despite that (or indeed, because of that), they are put up for the world to view.

I was outfield and monkeys were wreaking havoc. They were extremely numerous and daring, stealing our trash bag, the CSM's bread and a few packets of combat rations. That same day, some of the bread I'd brought along to eat got filched by many people for - of all things - bait for fish. Gah. Later in the day, Guohan unlocked the hidden potential of the SAF jack knife - I never knew it had a pair of tweezers inside. Further inspection revealed a toothpick as well.

The SAF likes to drone on and on about security, but I think that one big security threat of its own creation is its obsession with looking for contraband (so it can deter people from bringing in luxury items and punish those who do, thereby making them miserable) at the expense of searching for eal threats to security (eg plastic explosives). Contraband poses a negligible threat to security - for example CD-RWs are no use without CD-RW drives, and ditto for floppy discs. Hell, going by this logic, pen and paper should be illegal too, and we should all be subjected to mind wipes on booking out to erase classified information from our minds.

Instead of just ordering less food from the cookhouse, my CSM has devised an elaborate scheme to ensure that we all eat our food. We are all getting a meal card with our particulars which we will drop in a box at the cookhouse before each meal. The COS will tick our names off a list and the CSM will check the cards after each meal. She will then return the cards to our Platoon Sergeants, who will in turn return the cards to us before the next meal. Wonderful.

Due to my punishing all-week exercise routine, the delirious, semi-conscious states I enter during company runs seem to be coming on earlier. I wonder what level I'll degenerate to next.


I brought the Victoria's Secret catalogue (so risque, it's more explicit than all the local Men's Magazines) to camp since it was going to be thrown away. I put it at the reading materials area one night before I went outfield, intending to see if it'd disappear in a day. The next day, I found that the other medics had already spirited it away for their own viewing, presumably not wishing the patients to become more sick after seeing the catalogue.

Sometimes I really can't stand the bunk. Walking in most mornings, its oppressive air hits me like a hammer. It's so hot, humid and smelly, I wonder how anyone can sleep there. It's bad enough when I sleep on the table, so I don't understand how some people can sleep far away from the fans, cover themselves with blankets and leave the windows shut, and not die of heatstroke. Maybe they're masochists.

I've realised that to prolong the longevity of my uniforms, I can take several measures. Nowadays, I try to stay in the medical centre for as much of the time as possible, and when I walk out of it, I walk slowly and alone (others like to walk extremely quickly some reason). The results have been quite pleasing.

Some people brought in durians from outfield and gave me and Melvin one. They were small, but otherwise weren't bad actually.

Ban Xiong and I bought 2 pillows at Lot One for $12.85. Yeh. I've labelled mine and squirrelled it away. If it gets stolen regardless, may the black little heart of anyone who dares steal it be doomed to eternal hellfire!

A friend of mine got charged for sleeping and fined $100. Gee.

I've been trying to brainstorm new titles for our favourite Local Third Sergeant, so he can rival Duli Yang. So far, I've come up with: Our Poor Suffering Local Third Sergeant, soon to be a Poor Suffering Substantive Third Sergeant, the Self-Proclaimed "Master Of Office", the All-Knowing Holey Man, Top Bio Student in NJC In His Year, the Lord of the Chair, He-Who-Cackles-Evily-To-Himself, the Gatherer of Unspecified Friends - Tan Ban Xiong.

Melvin got a fly in his laksa at the cookhouse. So much for safe food.

Gee. Even the good ole SMM is on Friendster. Eek.


My parents have a penchant for watching gratingly bad chinese TV shows at night. Usually whenever I pop in, I get disgusted after a while and walk out. This probably explains why we don't talk much at night.

The forum letters where every line is a question, and which end off asking a relevant authority to clarify its stand or give more information on the relevant matter are damn irritating. Actually I think all those letters are sent in by the same person.

I wonder if I'm still capable of writing anything longer than a paragraph and still have it remain cogent and lucid, given my recent propensity for short, disconnected writings. A bottom up approach to writing may mean more bases are covered, but the end result will inevitably be more incoherent and disorganised. But then how else is it possible to chronicle stray thoughts and scattered vignettes with no apparent link between them?


Quotes:

[On the definition of subversion] A forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic political, social or religious beliefs, attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas - sounds like the army.

Even those at night prowling, don't go one corner and sleep or just follow the dog and walk. (For those prowling at night)

[On a presentation] When it's time to clap, please help them to clap.

[Someone on a phone query: So how did you deal with the matter?] [Me: I made her giggle and put down.]

Monica Bellucci is a porn star lah... She's got more class, cos she's French (Italian)

[On a film name] 'Apartment Comma L Apostrephe'. French is such a cool language.

[Me: Hello, Medical Centre] I'm calling from the Ops Room. [Me: Which Ops Room are you from?] 42 Ops Room. [Me: Oh ok, what are you calling regarding?] Err. I'll call you back later.

If Shostakovich is playing Piano Concerto then I will go. (they are playing Shostakovich's)

[On an SCGS girl on the street] I take leave, can wear slippers out. Chee Bai, wear slippers with uniform. [Someone: Wah lan eh, SCGS] All the big boob girls are from here. [Someone: All the lesbians]

[On rich people] Wah fuck he got 4 cars. 2 of them are BMs... No curtains. Have sex never put curtains.

Next time when I make it big... limouisine, hundreds of bodyguards. [Someone: I'm gonna employ my own militia. All carry MP5.]

Who should I send for the 50 kilometer run?... Gabriel! It'll take you three days to finish walking it.

[To me] Please do not put your breasts on the table in front of me when I'm eating.

[Me: My friend's letter just got published in the Straits Times. There are so many issues nowadays - I don't know whether it's about oral sex or LKY.] Maybe it's thanking a taxi driver.

[On trying the reflex test on my elbow, then knee and failing due to his incompetence] You have no reflexes.