"The happiest place on earth"

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Saturday, August 09, 2003

Melvin introduced me to Soulseek as an alternative to Kazaa, where it is hard to find non-mainstream stuff, you always get porn when you don't want it, and people are being scared away by the RIAA. Indeed, though the download speeds on Soulseek are slow, you can find many things. For example I found many people with the full version of Handel's Messiah, and 3-4 versions of Banchieri's Contrapunto bestiale alla mente. For some reason too, it reminds me of Napster.

Why is it so hard to find non-guitar versions of Albeniz's Asturias? Grr.

Virus Origin - A Manmade Retribution - A weird commentary piece on how our pollution of the environment and playing God led to SARS, by someone who probably believes in the Gaia theory.

Heil Dubya!

Was inspired to make this after seeing a "No God, No Peace. Know God, Know Peace" bookmark:

The commentator for NDP this year claims some of the soldiers from 1st Guards voluntarily extended their ORD dates by 2 months just to take part in NDP.


Someone: "the NDP caused my browser to crash"

I'm so happy I'm not at the rubbish point at this year's NDP :)

Someone else:

"CDF [Ed" Chief of Defence Force] looks like Kim Jong Il ahahah

cannot make it lah
doesn't look garang at all
got no badges also"

Apparently Mr Sentient is still getting enquiries on Hunter-Seeker, his little Neopets program.

Friday, August 08, 2003

The Copyright Cage - Bars can't have TVs bigger than 55 inches. Teddy bears can't include tape decks. Girl Scouts who sing "Puff, the Magic Dragon" owe royalties. Copyright law needs to change. By Jonathan Zittrain

Conceptual Guerilla's Strategy and Tactics - Defeat The Right In Three Minutes - Sounds alarmist, but strangely, almost all of it strikes a chord with me. Which just shows you left wing I am *g*

Veil go a long way - Burqa covered band in Afghanistan with songs like "He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Burka" by "The Hollies" (wth?!)

Three Hundred Proofs of God's Existence

Some of the funniest ones (do read the rest, as there are many other great "proofs")

(1) My aunt had cancer.
(2) The doctors gave her all these horrible treatments.
(3) My aunt prayed to God and now she doesn't have cancer.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) If you turn your head sideways and squint a little, you can see an image of a bearded face in that tortilla.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) A plane crashed killing 143 passengers and crew.
(2) But one child survived with only third-degree burns.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) See that person spazzing on the church floor babbling incoherently?
(2) That's how infinite wisdom reveals itself.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) I've had religious experiences that can't be explained unless I'm insane or God exists.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) My friend here, once started spontaneously speaking some jibberish that sounded to me kind of like Russian.
(2) But neither he nor I know anything about Russian.
(3) The only explanation is God.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) If the Exodus story has any basis in historical fact, then God exists.
(2) Some guy found some chariot wheels at the bottom of the Red Sea.
(3) There is absolutely no other way that chariots could get to the bottom of the Red Sea.
(4) This means the Exodus story is true.
(5) Therefore, God exists.

(1) The apostles would not have died for something they knew wasn't true.
(2) Atheist gives examples of martyrs outside Christendom.
(3) Obviously those examples were fooled by Satan.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) You can't prove God doesn't exist!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) I once experienced something I can't explain.
(2) Atheists offer several possible, natural explanations.
(3) You're just guessing! I was there.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Terrorists destroyed the WTC, killing thousands.
(2) One piece of the rubble sort of looks like a cross.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) A few people saw something weird in a bowl of spaghetti.
(2) Some Catholics believe that it is the Virgin Mary.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) I went to a party and took LSD.
(2) I saw demons attacking me.
(3) Then Jesus came and drove the demons away.
(4) So I joined the Assemblies of God.
(5) Therefore, God exists.

(1) When I pray, either it comes true or God has a better plan.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) I wanted it to be a sunny day.
(2) I prayed it wouldn't rain.
(3) We had two thunderstorms.
(4) Obviously, God didn't want to answer my prayer.
(5) Of course not! What a selfish thing to pray for! How dare I try to compel God to my selfish desires!
(6) The rain was God's punishment for my selfish desires.
(7) Therefore, God exists.

(1) One time, I fasted for three days straight, prayed on my knees for hours, and didn't sleep, either.
(2) At the end of that time, God answered me.
(3) You see, you just have to mortify the flesh and accept the things of the spirit in order to meet God.
(4) No, there is no possibility that it was a hallucination!
(5) Therefore, God exists.

219. ARGUMENT FROM ECSTASY (used by a number of saints)
(1) I woke up last night with a feeling of indescribable pleasure and joy.
(2) It couldn't have been sexual; I'm holy and never have thoughts like those.
(3) So the ecstasy must have come from God.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) This pizza tastes funny.
(2) That purple llama on the ceiling is juggling chainsaws.
(3) Purple llamas can't juggle chainsaws.
(4) It must be a miracle!
(5) Therefore, God exists.

(1) The New Testament says people like you would question us.
(2) You question us.
(3) Therefore the bible is true.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) God hates gay people.
(2) God is merciful.
(3) Disney World held a Gay Day parade.
(4) God could punish Disney World by sending hurricanes, earthquakes, and possibly a meteor to Florida.
(5) God didn't, thus proving both postulate 1 and 2.
(6) Therefore, God exists.

(1) I prayed to God, and then lifted a car off my trapped puppy.
(2) I couldn't have done that without God.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Sometimes I do good things and sometimes I do bad things.
(2) When I do something good this PROVES that God, my Guardian Angel etc are helping me to be good.
(3) Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Oh God help me to be strong and steadfast against temptation till I die so that You God will not in Your infinite mercy, send me to Hell.
(4) When I do something bad this PROVES that the Devil has tempted me to do EVIL.
(5) Whatever I do it proves that either God or the Devil is real.
(6) Therefore, God exists.

(1) If the Bible were cooked up by some smooth-talking manipulative authors, it would have been perfect and seamless and without any apparent inconsistencies.
(2) But the Bible IS inconsistent, erroneous, and plain goofy at many places
(3) So the Bible is NOT a product of some smooth-talking manipulative authors.
(4) Hence the Bible is the word of God.
(5) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Me and my dad watched this video where the Virgin Mary appeared on a building in Egypt. No, it was kinda blurry... lots of people saw it though and they were pointing at it.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Doesn't it just make more sense that an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good deity created the world out of nothingness, from magic, essentially, and then punished us for eating a piece of fruit, and then incarnated himself in human flesh and came down to shed his own blood so he could break his own rules, and then went through hell on a temporary basis and then went back into the sky and promised to come back and take everyone who believed in him to this heaven no one has ever seen?
(2) Well, doesn't it?
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) [non-believer asks if the theist would still call his religious experiences Christian if he had been raised in another country]
(2) Would you call your agnostic experiences agnostic if you had been raised in India?
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Jesus was either lord, liar, or lunatic.
(2) Can you PROVE He was a liar or lunatic?
(3) Therefore, God exists.
Questions and Answers about Foreign Policy (and the U.S. Invasion of Iraq) (c) 2003 anarchie bunker

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

I suppose when it comes to Shawn Ban, people are divided into one of two categories - one group thinks he rocks, and another thinks he sucks. I am pretty thick skinned, so I daresay I am able to enjoy his flair (sans any sports commentary) most of the time, even when I am the target of his acerbic pen (or keyboard).

Now, in his latest entertaining stunt, he has been telling the whole world that Melvin Tay is going with Suzanne Wong. This has prompted a letter of protest from the aforementioned, who has requested that it be sent to "many many people", which is why I will reproduce it below:

"Dear Friend,

My Name is Melvin Tay. I Know you may have heard some Nasty rumours about me perpetuated by a Boy named Shawn Ban, like I Love Soozie, but it isn't true. The rumours all started here http://www.eatmejusteatme.50g.com/131.htm - Last Paragraph
The next time somebody tells u something silly, go and find out the truth for yourself. Please send this message to many many people. May peace be with you."

I am just felled with laughter.

On a more serious note he, who scolded me for my interest in a certain unfortunate tragedy, has written many paragraphs coldly analysing it. How ironic.

Boy am I lucky I signed up for Pyxz when it was still free. It's gone from being free to costing $5 for a lifetime subscription to - now - $5 a month and $45 yearly.


Sunday, August 03, 2003

Sent to me by mail:

Dear [name of a boy],

It has come to my attention that you have been selected as a potential student of ACS(I). We are indeed pleased to welcome you to our big
family. However, there are a few improvements that have to be made for you to be qualified to be one of us.

Firstly, your physical appearance needs alteration. According to our school's tradition, our attire includes:

1. spiked hair
2. pants worn on the hips
3. almost completely hidden socks
4. shirts not tucked in properly etc.

Furthermore, you must have bushy eyebrows and tan skin to be eligible. Thus, we would appeal that you make this changes ASAP.

Secondly, other than outward appearance, what goes on inside is crucial as well. We adhere struictly to our 3 acts: Act Cool, Act Attitude
and Act Poser, stressing on poser-ism as the basis of our image.

Act cool: All ACSI students are required to be adept in pretending to be cool in the way bimbos will fall for the trick, even though it is obviously not the proper definition of "cool". We do not want our students to be cool but to ACT cool. This will include mannerisms like acting nonchalant and pompous that will create the false impression that ACSI guys are indeed very desirable and good looking.

Act attitude: Due to the fact that bimbos absolutely love attitudal guys, we emphasise strongly on pretending to have attitude in our boys. You
will hence have to act like a very bad person when you are in fact an insecure and deprived person.

Act poser: AS this is the trademark of our school, it will require no further explanation.

To adhere to our school's motto "The best is yet to be", we require you to stop getting good results in school especially in the area of literature, as this opposes our motto. You will hence need to go out more with bimbos, have fun, screw around and be less concerned with your studies.

Your Chinese grades need to be extremely poor and you will have to hate it a lot. In other words, you must forget all your roots and be a perfect banana. You are also required to be rich to avoid being ostracised and looked down upon in our school. More emphasis will also be put on sports to create the false impression that ACSI guys are all rounders.

We look forward to your joining our huge ACS family and we certainly do believe you have the potential, judging by your bimbo attracting
qualities prevalent in all our students. We believe that with more posing, despising Chinese and acting, you can definitely be an outstanding representation of ACSI.

yours sincerely,
Ong Teck Chin
Anglo Chinese School (Independent)

Luciferous Logolepsy - Dragging obscure words into the light of day

Making Over Mona Lisa - Botox, Collagen, Chemical Peel and Surgery!

Top 10 Most Fascinating Urinals
May the the buggers who spam my guestbook relentlessly with ads for online casinos, viagra and porn sites wake up to find cancerous boils and lesions swarming their noses!

A question pertinent a few years back: What is Ajinomoto made of?

It's always been my fantasy to crash the counters on SBS Super Buses telling you how many seats are left upstairs, by skipping the second-to-top-step which contains the sensor.

Asian Prince's competitor?

CDex is the best CD ripper I've ever used.

Last week's weekly post will be merged with next week's due to scarcity of material.
After listening to Trevor Pinnock and his English Concert and Chorus Oratorio quick and upbeat interpretation of Handel's Messiah for so long, it's odd to be forced to listen to something else, namely the slower and more ponderous version by the St. Petersburg State Academic Symphony Orchestra (since I do not feel like listening to my sister's CD version with a Boys' Choir singing the Sop part and Male Solos for Alto-Bass, and she probably has the CDs with her anyway). There seems to be life lacking in this version, the words roll awkwardly off their tongues while their accents are quite distinctive, I can pick out individual voices, the choir strains very often, I can't hear much joy or awe in parts like "And The Glory of The Lord", the Tenors sounded like they were yawning when singing "And He Shall Reign Forever And Ever" and in "For Unto Us A Child Is Born" and I *swear* they sung, "The Prince Of Piss". All in all, it sounds like a Senior Citizens' choir.

Okay, so I'm picky. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that they're Russians.

"Chopin's first Ballade is perhaps one of the most over-performed non-sonata works in piano repertoire. So here I add another one."

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