When you can't live without bananas

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Saturday, May 24, 2003

Courtesy of The Associate. Original source: http://www.mycen.com.my/duasen/080503_uncleho.html

Fed up of your current work.... hee hee try this!
This should be a good prospect job...esp for those who r coming back to ms'ia to look for job...we r looking forward to financing the deal...


Uncle Ho Holdings,Malaysia's largest manufacturer, distributor and retailer of quality pirated and bootleg VCDs, DVDs, Audio CDs, CD-ROMS seeks suitable candidates for our rapidly expanding organisation.

From our humble beginnings inPetaling Street in 1998, we are currently operating more than 68,000 outlets in theKlang Valley & Johor Baru. We have managed to secure at least 4 stalls outside every convenience shop, 8 stalls outside every coffee shop and 50 stalls at every pasar malam. We're expanding into every housing and commercial areas, making us the biggest outdoor retailing company in the world with over 16 million discs sold daily.

Our high-tech multi million ringgit manufacturing facilities are now operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws. We are gearing for an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and are in the process of applying for MSC status asMalaysia's largest multimedia company.

Be a Franchisee
We offer exciting and profitable franchising opportunities for retrenched workers, unemployed individuals and ex-convicts.
- Set-up cost is a low RM500, including an inventory of 150 titles, portable iron stands, plywood and red table cloth.
- As the franchisor, we'll provide you with protection against local gangsters, unsatisfied customers, enforcement officers and post bail if required. All confiscated items are our responsibilty and will be returned to you within 2 working days.
- You will be rotated with other resellers from nearby areas to reduce the rate of return or exchange for defective copies.
- For an additional investment of RM1200, a battered 25-year-old car will be provided as a mobile store.
- As part of the Uncle Ho Network, you'll be provided with access to VIEWS(tm)(VCD Inspectors Early Warning System). By placing well trained informers in every enforcement agencies, we're able to eliminate the 'surprise element'.
- While we take every precaution to warn you of impending raids, we highly recommend the purchase of an unlicensed walkie talkie. You'll be able to network with other franchisees through the wireless system and receive additional news and warnings. As the largest purchaser of Motorola GP300 Walkie Talkies, we're also able to supply you units at very attractive prices.

Our Mission Statement
- To provide Malaysian youths with employment and a stable source of income.
- To help promoteMalaysia as the top regional technology and multimedia hub in the true spirit of 'Malaysia Boleh'.
- To make available inMalaysia the latest blockbuster 30 days before its international release.
- To fight American hegemony by reducing the profits ofHollywood studios and Bill Gates.
- To place a stall every 25 feet on every five foot ways throughout Malaysia.
- To reduce the rate of defective discs to 25%.
- To send every VHS player into early retirement and to achieve total extinction of the format by by 2004.

Join Us Full Time (Vacancies Available KL/PJ/Cyberjaya)

Reseller (26,000 positions, Nationwide)
Job Description: Operate mobile five foot way stalls. Requirements: Preferably chinese males aged 16 - 22 with blond hair. Possession of own waist pouch to store X-Rated titles will be an added advantage.
Benefits: Flexi-hours and additional one 'day off' each year during major annual operasi.

Graphic Artist (3 positions, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: Design covers/inlays for movie titles. Copy latest movie listings from IMDB's website.
Requirements: Very rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop. Ability to design blockbuster-looking or porno-looking covers for mediocre movies will be an added advantage.
Benefits: Free 10 copies of (pirated) software programs every month.

Camera Operator (15 positions,KlangValley)
Job Description: Capture movies being screened in cinemas without being noticed.
Requirements: Ability to operate camcorder. Good knowledge of seating positions in major cineplexes so as to capture entire screen without tilt or distortion. Ability to hold your cough for 90 minutes and munch popcorn silently is an added advantage.
Benefits: Free popcorn and movie passes every month.

Purchasing Officer (1 position, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: To buy back consficated items at a reasonable price.
Requirements: Preferably Malays. Good negotiation skills. Ex-employees of city and town councils are encouraged to apply.
Benefits: Easy settling of parking summons and other fines.

Please send your resume to:
The Group Human Resource Manager.
Syarikat Kumpulan Uncle Ho VCD, DVD, CD, CD-ROM
Holdings & Group Of Companies (Malaysia) (1998) Sdn Bhd.
E-Mail: carikerja_uncleho@mycen.com.my

Community Service / News / Promotions
* As a responsible corporate citizen, we provide free Video-to-VCD conversion for all MAS cabin crew, subject to subject in video.
* We offer big discounts on (un-sellable) art house films and award-winning Iranian movies as a way of promoting quality films to the masses.
* Mother's Day Special - Special pack of 10 movies to watch with your mother non-stop this Sunday.
Guaranteed no sex scenes. Promotional price: RM 30
* New stalls opening in front of KLIA Main Terminal Building this June & in Taman Negara this July.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

All thanks to Lin Yucheng, who refused to buy drinks at the movie snack stand, and insisted on going to Basement 1, only to find that Long John Silver's didn't have the spicy chicken combo anymore, following which we went to McDonalds, I missed the first few minutes of the Matrix Reloaded. Oh well, I can always catch it on Kazaa.

Much has been and will be said about it, but I have but one general comment - it's cryptic for the sake of being cryptic. In a way, it's just like literature, or rather, the study of it :) If you look hard enough, I wager you could find deeper meaning in Mickey Mouse cartoons (and many have already in Powerpuff Girls and Looney Tunes). A few minor comments - the Zion disco seems to be patronised by hippies on drugs, ergo the wild gyrations and middle eastern draping clothes. And something about the credits made the many schoolgirls in the audience squeal.

Later, we were walking around, and Yucheng walked into 77th Street, presumably to look at girls' clothes and accessories. Aww.

Yucheng is under the delusion that officers are in high demand among girls seeking to get attached, which is presumably why all his other officer friends are attahced. Hmmph.

Seen outisde a toilet: "The janitor serving you is ~ A/P ~". What does A/P stand for? I've seen s/o and d/o before, but I can't begin to guess what A/P is.

I have it on reliable sources that JC students will be visiting the Island of Doom on Wednesday. Good luck to the girls mounting and dismounting the 5 tonner in their school uniforms! [Addendum: HCJC sent students doing detention for it. And Mr Lim brought the RJ students there!]
Science in the right spirit

More people are seeking a spiritual anchor in these disruptive times.But they should not get themselves trapped in blind dogma. And religion should not distance itself from science

By Richard Lim

'I have often said that if science proves facts that contradict with Buddhist understanding, Buddhism must change accordingly. We should always adopt a view that accords with the facts.'
- The Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso

"Yet a faith should not trap the individual in blind dogma and old certainties which are no longer relevant. That is the surest path not to nirvana, but to superstition and stagnation. In extreme cases, that path leads to fear and loathing, and to crimes and atrocities committed in the name of religion.

Religions are, of course, about matters perennial and values that endure. But so much of religion today is about form, with little or no understanding on the part of the faithfuls of the substance.

Some religious leaders may take advantage of this lack of understanding among their flocks to exploit them for their own ends.

But the true religious leader knows that his paramount duty is to help his followers and those outside his faith, to understand more fully the teachings of his religion, and the context in which these teachings can serve the people, not him or his institution."

I wish the Creationists and their gang of fundamentalist ilk were this progressive.
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