When you can't live without bananas

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Saturday, March 27, 2004

There was a GEP 20th Anniversary busking/charity flag day at Orchard today.

This year has really been marked for mourning the death of the GEP. You have the funfair 2 weeks back, today's busking/flag day, July's dinner and the Alumni Society...

I saw Mrs Koh there. Gosh, it's been 8 years already. We both have more white hair now. I'm not sure if she remembered who I was or what year I was in, but at least she recognised me as a former student. She enlightened me on some of the changes to GEP. The RI GEP teachers who were on loan from the MOE have been withdrawn, and she's in Dunman now. So I guess if we going back now we won't see many familiar faces. Future generations of RI boys will no longer be able to benefit from Mr Ong's guidance and care!

RI has a "GEP" too in their through train, and it is still under MOE in some way, but I can't help but compare it to Chinese High's "GEP" before they got MOE's GEP. The express (sorry, Integrated Programme) teachers are also receiving some counsel from the GE branch. It is very confusing. [Ed: They have an FAQ but I'm skeptical]

[Ed: Apparently it's different in Raffles Guys'. The GEP teachers are still there, and they still had to go for the walkathon. "we're treated like gep". I'm even more confused now.]

Ah, the death of GEP. Withdrawn from Raffles Gu... RGS and RI, where can they go? They're extending it to other schools, but as Kairen says, can you imagine Cedar (or some other school he mentioned - no offence) having GEP?

Am watching The Very Best of the Muppet Show (Vol 1). Wonderful! Though unfortunately I can't watch the bonus features.

Dick Lee, responding to shrill cries that Lost In Translation was racist, remarked that it made him nostalgic because its portrayal of Tokyo life (especially the life of an expat in the entertainment industry) was very true.

Just goes to show that idiots who make accusations of racism at the drop of a pin are insecure.

Under the 'AngMo' rule, we like birds of feather,
Singapore & Malaysia, flocking together.

Den one day like 2 durians, cannot get along.
Got sharp thorns, poke each other till 'buay song.'

One moment like brothers, can give and take.
Next moment kena kick out by the leg.

Wah! TV show our towkay cry like mad,
Making us all feel very sad.

Our neigbours they all say, 'Wah like dat they all sure to die!
They got nothing, how to get the next bowl of rice?'

So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.
We also join the army so we can fight.

We don't care others 'see us no up'.
But actually inside we think towkay big kok-up.

Then slowly hor, we grow rich and a bit fat.
Now others talk about us also got some respect.

They scratch their heads and say 'Very funny!
Got nothing, how come they can still make money?'

Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.
Now even small kids also can afford nice handphone.

Sea port, airport also can become Number One.
Heh Heh! Sometimes think about it also very fun.

But some people look at us also not happy.
Actually they are jealous, don't want to say only.

So every time their country got something wrong.
They say Singapore is behind it all along.

They know we water no enough, very bad.
Say turn off tap only we so scared.

Threaten us with water, shout 'Cut!Cut! Cut!'
Aiyoh! They think water is one big ketupat!

We all hear already also 'buay tahan'
Wah liao, they think we small can makan!

But now they 'kowpay kowbu' we not scared.
Coz We got NEWater already, so not so bad.

But their own economy now all go bust.
Must sell water, make some money fast!

Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,
Got so much money oso donno how to lend.

They say we all only one small red dot,
like the center of a big dartboard.

Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,
that's why suka suka talk like that.

But we all still send them a lot of rice.
To show the world we are very nice.

Sometimes we 'good heart' also kena whack.
But we are gentleman don't fight back.

I think maybe they don't liao kai us well.
Dats why relationship sometime like heaven, sometime HELL

Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,
that's why we 'siao siao' can win the Tiger Cup.

I think Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot.
Size small small, but sipeh HOT !!!

--- Author unknown
OMGJ Guide to Being an Anime Fangirl (Edited version)

Step 1: Learn A Couple of Japanese Words and Use Them in Every Sentence
And by this, I don't mean try to learn any serious amount of Japanese. Not even enough to form a basic sentence, either. Basically, what you're gonna be looking to learn are a few select words that can be used ad-nauseum in virtually every sentence you vomit out of your brain. Let's go over a couple:

Kawaii - Pronounced "Kuh-why". Use this word whenever you want to say that something is cute. For example, if you see a small mangy alley cat that's ridden with disease, you will point to it and scream "OMG KITTY ISH SO KAWAII!" Your friends, depending on who you're with, will either scream in girly excitement, or punch you in the throat until you can't ever speak again. If you're going to be the type of Anime fan girl that is hopelessly annoying, then you're going to be using this word a lot.

Baka - Pronounced "Bah-kuh". Baka basically means stupid, dumb, retarded, etc. You'll most often use this word to jokingly refer to your friends, who will no doubt come to hate you forever even after three or four uses of it. But that's the price you'll have to pay to be an anime fangirl. Let's look at a quick example:

Friend: I just tested HIV positive

That's pretty much all you'll need for right now. Those two words alone will cause endless hours of teeth-gritting hatred amongst your friends. Try to mix them up for fun.

Now, keep practicing until you're good enough that people will start throwing rocks at you if you come within twenty feet of them.

Step 2: Don't Forget Emoticons. Ever

Emoticons, by themselves, are pretty damn annoying if put in the wrong hands. And thanks to the whole anime thing, kids with far too much time to examine various keyboard keys, have come up with a large selection of anime-style emoticons.

The great thing about these is that they're already so shitty and incomprehensible that you can make your very own, and no one will ever notice. Let's look at a few that I just now made up, and the meanings that go along with them:

I have an STD on my eyes. Please avoid contact with me.

I just had the numbers 2 and 5 tattooed on my eyes for no reason.

I am sorry to hear that you are the King of Egypt. I appreciate the flowers

There is a Manta Ray in my pants

I just finished raping your mother, and have defecated on myself

Step 3: Guys That Look Like Girls Turn You On

The whole thing sweeping Japan right now is that it's totally hot for guys to try and look as much like girls as possible. Somehow, the women in Japan find this highly attractive. Especially when two effeminate men rub all over each other. This is referred to as "Yaoi", which basically means "Gay sex", which makes me want to "punch myself in the cock".

Nothing should turn you on more than a guy...that looks exactly like a girl. He should dress like a girl, talk like a girl, wear makeup, and be extremely thin. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that I just described a drag queen. But as most anime fangirls will strike me down for even COMPARING the two, I will point out that the main difference between a drag queen and a Japanese Yaoi couple is that the drag queen probably wears less makeup, and is probably less likely to act like some art fag with 200 pounds of prick stuck up their ass.

Now even though I'm well aware that this whole step screams of girls getting turned on by other girls, which may be a bit disconcerting to most guys who just so happen to unfortunately not look like some A-sexual freak, keep in mind you ARE talking about hardcore anime fangirls. So most of them probably look more like a guy than any of their fanboy crushes.

Oh, I forgot this is a guide for girls. So yeah, you're probably a lesbian anyway.

Step 4: Learn to Draw Yourself As A "Chibi"

What's a chibi you ask? Why it's a super-deformed caricature of yourself, of course! This is what all the big time anime fangirls do during most of their art classes in school. Instead of learning solid techniques that you can use to make wonderful drawings, you'll be ignoring all of that, and instead using your time drawing ugly, fat little cartoons that more or less resemble a dead baby fetus dressed in a school uniform.

But you may be saying "I have no art talent Jeremy! Whatever will I do? And also will you let me run my tongue down your chest?" Of course I will. But as for art talent, you need none. Just learn a few common circles and rectangles, and simply reuse them for every drawing you'll ever wretch out of that enfeebled mind of yours. So how's it supposed to look? Let's take a look at a few people, and what your bishi art of them should look like:

Step 5: Make an Online Journal

This is pretty simple. Basically your online journal should just be an extension of yourself, only it should be their for people to know what's going on in your life 24 hours a day. This really doesn't need to be anything important. It can be anything really . Mostly you'll want to stick with running on and on about guys you're too embarrassed to talk to, or posting your favorite J-Pop lyrics.

Also, don't forget to write the occasional erotic fanfic for your favorite anime. There's just something magical about having your favorite two male anime characters sticking their index fingers into each other's asses.

Step 6: Dress Like Your Favorite Character

This is pretty much a given, since you're already entrenched in everything involving your favorite anime characters, the next logical step is to dress up like them. It's not that hard, as most anime characters these days appear to have just grabbed a few random things that fit around their body and called it an outfit. Let's take a look at a few things that you should most definitely have on your list of things to wear:

Cat Ears - Because nothing says "Cute Anime Girl" like giant fuzzy cat ears strapped to your head.
Japanese School Girl Uniform - See above, but expect to be raped with tentacles soon after you put it on.
Giant Loose Socks - Remember back in the eighties when giant leg warmers were all the rage? No? Okay I'm old. But they were. They were also hideous, as you'd expect anything worn on the human body in the eighties to be. Okay, so fast forward to the 21'st century, and Japanese girls are now wearing almost the same exact thing; Giant socks. Socks so large that most of these Japanese girls could fit their entire body into them. This is what you want to wear.

Though if your character requires more than just a casual throw-rug, you'll probably have to be a bit more creative. And by creative, I mean just use whatever it takes to get the look you want. Bed sheet? Check. Disposable diapers? There ya go. Hell, use car parts if you have to.


And there you have it. Pretty much everything you need to know about getting in with all the "cool" fangirls at the conventions. Follow these steps exactly as we've shown, and you'll begin seeing results almost immediately. Some good. Most bad though. But that's the life you'll have to live. Make sure that you're fully willing to lose any shame that you may have once had, along with most of your mind.
I'm in Love with a Big Blue Frog

Frogs: Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit
Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit

Girl: I'm in love with a big blue frog,
A big blue frog loves me.
It's not as bad as it appears,
He wears glasses and he's six-foot-three.

Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit
Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit

Well I'm not worried about our kids,
I know they'll turn out neat.
They'll be great lookin' 'cause they'll have my face,
Great swimmers 'cause they'll have his feet.

Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit
Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit

Well I know we can make things work,
He's got a good family since
His mother was a frog from Phil-a-delph-I-A,
His daddy an enchanted prince.

Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit
Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit

(frog solo)

The neighbors are against it and it's clear to me,
And it's probably clear to you.
They think values on their property will go right down
If the family next-door is blue.

Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit
Grunk-grok grunk-grok ribbit ribbit ribbit

Well I'm in love with a big blue frog,
A big blue frog loves me.
But it's better than the beau I had last year,
When I loved a little bumble bee.
- oh yeah -
I loved - a - bum-ble - beeeeeeeee......

Friday, March 26, 2004

Balderdash in Chinese! - ROFL

Great Wall myth excised from textbooks - "For decades, the Chinese propagated the myth that their most famous creation was visible from space. Elementary-school textbooks in the world's most populous nation still proclaim that the structure can be seen by the naked eye of an orbiting cosmonaut. But the myth was shattered upon Yang Liwei's return from a 21 1/2-hour space jaunt last year, so schoolbooks will be rewritten"

Poop Scooper Finds Job Fun, Refreshing - "Whatever other people say, Jim Rindhage doesn't think his job stinks. Rindhage is a professional dog poop scooper."

What does your phone number spell? - You still can't beat 1800-IHVSARS for the TTSH Ambulance

The World's Most Corrupt Public Officials

1. Mohamed Suharto, President of Indonesia, 1967-98 -- US$15-35 billion (Free in Indonesia. Son in prison for murder-for-hire of Supreme Court judge. Daughter running for president)

2. Ferdinand Marcos, President of the Philippines, 1972-86 -- US$5-10 billion (Died in exile)

3. Mobutu Sese Seko, President of Zaire, 1965-97 -- US$5 billion (Deposed, dead)

4. Sani Abacha, President of Nigeria, 1993-98 -- US$2-5 billion (Died in office)

5. Slobodan Milosevic, President of Serbia/Yugoslavia, 1989-2000 -- US$1 billion (On trial for genocide at the Hague)

6. Jean-Claude Duvalier, President of Haiti, 1971-86 -- US$300-800 million (Exiled in France. Following the ouster of Jean-Bertrand Aristide, announced his intention to return to Haiti)

7. Alberto Fujimori, President of Peru, 1990-2000 -- US$600 million (Exiled in Japan)

8. Pavlo Lazarenko, Prime Minister of Ukraine, 1996-97-- US$114-200 million (On trial in the US for money laundering)

9. Arnoldo Alemán, President of Nicaragua, 1997-2002 -- US$100 million (In prison for corruption in Nicaragua)

10. Joseph Estrada, President of the Philippines, 1998-2001 -- US$78-80 million (In prison in the Philippines awaiting trial for corruption. It was recently alleged that he was actually serving his sentence at his private villa)

Extracts from PaRaDoX's Term Paper:

Singaporean apathy is a product of a Machiavellian government with no qualms about the means as long it justifies the end... In a sense the Machiavellian traits of the government rubbed off onto the people, as long as the government is not able to provide raising living standards there is no reason why any Singaporean should feel any affection for Singapore. This is another form of apathy that is enveloping Singaporeans, that Singapore is only equated with economic success and nothing else.

The PAP government, through its bilingual education program and its economic policies, has bought about political integration of a melange of Hokkien, Hakka and Cantonese spiced with Indians, Malays and Eurasians... However at the same time, the government... introduced the Speak Mandarin Campaign (SMC).

It is surprising that for a country that is so strident about population unity that it only concentrated on only a part of her citizens (albeit a majority). Why is there not a need to introduce a Speak Malay Campaign for the Malays or a Speak Hindi/Tamil Campaign for the Indians? It is not only Chinese that have dialects under the umbrella of Chinese language. This campaign also has its faults. If every racial group decides to only speak their own language, what is there to congeal the different groups as a nation? Singaporeans are to feel that they are united as Singaporeans, but yet still divided as Singaporean Chinese, Singaporean Malay and Singaporean Indian (not including others). If they too congealed, they cannot recognize the differences; and if they recognize too many differences, they cannot congeal to form the nation. This inherent contradiction also makes Singaporeans apathetic, because they do not know what/how to feel. When National Day comes, the nation is to be as one, but when it comes to trading with the "home" nations of the different races the citizens are divided to which nations they should pursue. This discontinuity causes people to be less concerned with events; they will just do what the government wants them to do... the government is sending out so many mixed signals that the population does not know how to react, resulting again in citizen apathy.
The baddest Buddhist - "When it comes to proving who's the meanest monk in town, Buddhist Zhang Xiao Ju takes the crown jewels. The martial arts expert let former California State Assembly speaker Herb Wesson kick him in the groin - as you do - and didn’t flinch. In fact, the politician booted Zhang where it is supposed to hurt SEVERAL - as the Shaolin monk's pals urged him on."

"We don't want the man going there after work or the housewife going there when she's free in the afternoon. So there must be controls on who can gain access to the casino... And if you are not of a certain economic class, you should not even think of going there. You should confine yourself to 4D, Toto or horse racing." - Trade and Industry Minister George Yeo on the Sentosa Casino.

I can't *believe* he said that. I thought they said they'd junked this sort of attitude. Guess not.

Crime of Passion

"As barbaric as it seems to me, Jesus' suffering has a powerful emotional affect on Christians' love for him. It goes back to John 3:16, "God so loved he world that he gave his only son." They truly feel they owe him a debt of gratitude. For the reasons to follow, I hope there are marginal Christians who might be turned off in disgust.

Let's forget the arguments about the nonexistence of God and Jesus and treat the events of the crucifixion as if they really happened. We'll treat this the way Christian theology tells it, that God the Father sent his Son to atone for the sins of mankind. The most important character doesn't appear in the movie: God.

Let me rephrase John 3:16 a few different ways without the piety. The Creator screwed up, so rather than take personal responsibility he used his son as a scapegoat. Because mankind wasn't living up to his expectations, he took his revenge out on his son by putting him in harms way. A man gets pissed at his wife, so he throws his son in a lion's cage. A man gets fired from his job, so in anger he pushes his son in front of a speeding car. It would be just as dastardly if the son offered to give his life to please his father, and his father assented.

Romanticizing the language doesn't change the nature of the crime. Whether the action is initiated by a god or a human it is the same morality. Simply stated, God took his vindictiveness out on the one he loved the most. The most innocent person was sent to die because the masses weren’t conforming to God’s expectations. It reverses the meaning of justice. Christians won't see it this way because they refuse to judge God. Their response is cowardly.

One reviewer preferred the classical movies on Christ because they presented a "positive" message. Billy Graham said "it was our sins that caused his death." A recent email comment I got was that I "haven't imagined why Christians welcomed a horrible death for love of Jesus." Years ago I was stunned when a Christian explained to me how grateful he was because Jesus' sacrifice was so extraordinary. Christians see Jesus as savior who taught and died for them.

And yet the enemy who threatens them is God. This is something we see in political history where a despot is so powerful and vindictive that his subjects are afraid to think questionable thoughts out of fear they might be punished. So out of fear they learn to love him. Compared to God, Hitler doesn’t seem so bad."

As you can see, the article, putatively a review of Passion of the Christ, goes totally out of point. This should have been two separate articles.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Some people like to rationalise their suffering, especially after going through it. I guess this makes it and the memory of it tolerable, but it is nothing but self-deception. One person was talking about how xiong [tough] the obstacle course in SISPEC was, and I said that he should have become a combat medic specialist instead, and slacked for 5 months in SMM. He said that with only one chance to do "it" (whether he was referring to SISPEC, the obstacle course or slavery, I wasn't quite sure), one might as well enjoy it and think my positive. My rejoinder? If one goes to jail, one might as well enjoy it as well, since one has only one chance (hopefully)! It is sad that many slaves grow sympathetic to, and even support the system of Slavery, for they have fallen to Stockholm Syndrome!

We had a 12km route march. This time, the pace was slower, and they were gentler on me, so I didn't burst into hysterics, or histrionics, as some would have it. The thought that this was to be the last route march I'd ever do didn't hurt, either. Actually I'm surprised that I've never fallen out from a route march, despite all my talk of wanting to do so.

Usually, I go for breakfast at the relatively sane time of just past 6am. One morning, however, I had to cover Jaguar's route march, and was supposed to report at 5:45am. I didn't want to faint of hunger, so I went for breakfast one whole hour earlier than usual. At the usual times I go for breakfast, groups of people going for breakfast will have dispersed the dogs. This time, however, it was too damn early so they were still camping around the slope, ready to menace passers-by. I was in PT kit as usual, and as I went up the slope to the cookhouse, 3 dogs from the infamous Gang Of Eight brown dogs, most of whom I recall seeing under the display tank at the School of Armour not so many months ago, when they were still small, cute and docile puppies, but have now been transmogrified into fearsome Cerberii, barked at me. Not wishing to have to run for my sorry little life from the fearsome horde of feral beasts at such an early hour, I backed off and went by another route, by the stairs. However, sleeping near the stairs were 3 dogs of the Old Skool. Though they are normally placid and well-behaved, I decided to let sleeping dogs lie and went upstairs to change to No 4 and get a broomstick, just in case. While I was changing though, I heard a cacophony of barking as the 2 gangs of dogs faced off against each other in a gang war. When I next went down, broom in hand, I walked to the staircase, where the 3 Old Skool dogs were. Perhaps having had their blood boiled by the barkfest with the other group of dogs, they started barking at me and coming at me with their fangs bared and froth drooling from their gaping maws. Forearmed, I brandished my stick in front of me, affecting a threatening pose. When that didn't work and they continued their advance, I started voicing wordless war cries and hitting the ground with my stick. They continued their advance, though, and what's worse - I heard the Gang of Eight advancing on me from behind, adding their barks the the chorus. Knowing when I was beaten, I made a hasty retreat.

I'm banned, it seems, from everything on the face of the planet. I cannot even drink a can of Coke without someone telling me that I'm "banned". Since they want to ban me from so many things, they might as well ban me from 42SAR, then everyone (not least myself) will be happy.

I was covering a company's stairs training and this person fell out, almost collapsing. He then started weeping. I thought I was the only one who did that during training! But it seems his distress sprung from different wells than mine, as he begged to be allowed to carry on training.

Someone likes to kick the stray dogs in camp. His line of reasoning, at least the line that he tells us, is that kicking them scares them away so the dog catchers or the SPCA don't have to be called in. What is more likely is that kicking them traumatises them such that they'll bite us in the future.

My CSM has decided not to call the dog catchers/SPCA because the dogs will be put down. Looks like Sungei Gedong will continue to be a dangerous place.

After wasting so much time preparing for it, we finally got to practice our heliborne skills. Our takeoff was delayed since I had problems adjusting the seat belt and the air crew specialist had to come over and help me. It was a short ride on the Huey, maybe three minutes at most. I got the window seat - there was a nice breeze and a better view, but it was precarious. I had visions of my SAR21 falling into the reservoir, but happily the pilot flew smoothly and did not bank.

Apparently the reason all units seem to have "visions" and "missions" now is that it is an ISO requirement. Why an armed forces needs to get ISO certification is a mystery, to say nothing of how visions and missions are indicators of quality, any more than reams of redundant and forged paperwork. But since the SAF wants to play this sort of game, they should introduce measures that will undoubtedly lead to improved "quality" - performance evaluation forms for regulars filled up by subordinates and complaint forms, much like what we already have in the medical centre.

One rationale given for making people sign book in/out books is that it is to "protect" us so that if we get into trouble or accidents outside, the SAF can protect us. The logic behind this is frankly inexplicable, but I really am very touched and moved that the SAF cares so much and desires to protect those of us holding the rank of Third Sergeant and below so much, but doesn't give a damn about Second Sergeants and above. It almost makes me want to volunteer to do another six months of NS.

In their desire for appearances for appearances' sake, some people like to get medics to open their stretchers and place them on the safety rover. Never mind that it is very very rare that a casualty needs to be stretchered, but opening the stretcher reduces the capacity of the rover by more than half. If there is somebody in it to man the signal set, and an insulator of ice to boot, then there isn't any space left for seated casualties. Furthermore, in the event that a casualty needs to be put on the stretcher, it takes more time to get the stretcher out of the confines of the rover than the open it from its closed configuration.

The saying that tough training is the best welfare for soldiers is nonsense, meant to befuddle and bamboozle the men. The reality is that welfare is not defined as training soldiers so that they will survive a battle! That is training efficacy, and welfare is a whole different ball game. Following this sort of logic, shortening the term of indenture will improve operational readiness since the men will have higher morale. Hell, that makes more sense than tough training being welfare.

One platoon in Pussy company falls out with the cry: "We are the best. Paladin!" My falling out cry? "Krusty The Klown. ORD Loh!"

The next time somebody tries levelling a ludicrously implausible scenario at me to get me to do something stupid or redundant, I should offer an equally or more ludicrous counter. I doubt they'll get or concede my point, though.

After my dental checkup at Tengah, my two fronth lower teeth hurt quite a bit, especially on the first day. The dentist also didn't perform all 3 of the usual treatments - of using that drill thing, applying the sandy substance and using the polisher, he only did the first two. It's free though, so I can't really complain.

Apparently there are no Malays in CMPB, as well as Armour. Oh well.

Hwa thought that Pepsi Twist has no sugar in it. Maybe that's why his girth is fast approaching mine.


He got ATT C for stress. [Me: Wah. Can I also get ATT C for stress?] Try scolding a colonel. [Me: I'll get court martialled] SOL 21 days. That's what *** did. [Me: He scolded a colonel? He's crazy] He scolded the colonel at PMIC [Psychological Medicine In-care Centre]. SOL 21 days.

[Me on my headache: Wah, I need more panadol, man] Don't overdose ah.

[On Anchol Cholesterol Free Drink, a truly vile Korean concoction] Tastes like procodin. Worse than procodin... That's why it gives you energy - you remember the taste

How come your people like to report sick one? How come 46 doesn't report sick? [Me: 42 sucks.]

[On the ridiculousness of not allowing lowloaders on expressways] LTA, SAF - what to do? Next time become minister don't forget us (when you become a minister)

Welfare - the best welfare is the tough training. You all want tough training or not? (tough)

I should be born a girl (have been)

[On a driver] Ta1 jia4 ni3, hao3 xiang4 na4 ge4 game - Crazy Taxi. [Translation: Being driven like him is like being driven in the game Crazy Taxi]

[On my close encounter with ferocious canines] I know it's you lah, chee bye. Only you take the stick and chase the dog. (will take)

Good morning medic. [Me: Hi] You're cute.

[On Kimberly] Why you like this girl? Like fuck like that. (do you)

[On dirty windows] The only thing I never do is go there and write 'F-U-C-K'

[On HQ Company] One whole company of idiots [Ed: Pronounced with a long "i" sound], and I'm the biggest idiot.

[Edited 25th March in deference to the Oracle that is nw.t, who proclaims that in D&D, "the plural of cerberus is cerberii" and not cerberuses.]
Absolutely beautiful commentary about the state of the blogosphere:

"Having had access to it their entire lives, most kids these days have a far better understanding of how to use the internet than most adults. I think maternity wards are handing out Geocities websites to newborns now. Sadly, these infants do not wait to learn the fine art of the English language before attempting to update these websites. That's why this generation has produced, and is currently producing, and endless stream of nonsensical blathering that only bears the slightest resemblance to English after long and dedicated study. Every sentence, if these effigies of punctuation can really be said to actually form sentences, contains between zero and two words spelled correctly, and that's counting "LOL" as a word. In past generations, massive linguistic handicaps were something that held people back. Social workers and speech therapists helped people overcome their fear of embarrassing themselves by using the wrong word, pronunciation, or spelling. Sadly, this generation does not feel even the least bit hindered by their total inability to put even one-syllable words on the page without fucking them up. Instead, they seem to think that everyone else simply suffers from proper grammar and spelling. In order to fight this problem, the current generation feels that they must share every single pathetic detail of their inconsequential, uninteresting, and barely developed lives. Hence, the livejournal, a black mark on the face of the internet. And let's be honest, the internet's face already has enough black marks to pass for a lead in the cast of The Wiz.

Ellie's atrocious livejournal, which I rate alongside Dachau as one of mankind's most grievous cruelties, makes use of many of the most common techniques that this generation employs to let everyone know that not only should everybody care about their worthless lives, but that they intend to make the English language their bitch in the process. She misspells every word with such precision that I immediately assume it's intentional and move on to wondering whether she can type like that without having to think about it, or whether she labors over each word, thinking, "Hmm, how can I best mutilate this first-grade vocabulary so as to make it almost completely unrecognizable?" Then there is the substitution of numbers for letters. This used to be an annoying method of communication used only by hackers and other computer elite, who were eventually became "Leet," then "LEET," then "L33T," then "l33t," and finally, "1337," which officially signaled the transition of these individuals from human to cyborg. And you thought there would never be such a thing as a retarded cyborg. However, this technique was appropriated by huge swarms of internet denizens wanting to show how hip and with it they were. I've gotten so used to seeing the letter "E" replaced with the number "3" that I almost don't notice it anymore. Of course, eventually I do notice it and immediately fly into a murderous rage, stalking the streets, brutally killing all I encounter until I am eventually stopped by Batman.

Ellie also uses a technique - although not as much as many others do - in which she capitalizes basically at random. The standard practice is to not capitalize anything. After all, if you don't capitalize anything, you'll never capitalize the wrong thing. There are those who decide to eschew this, though, and capitalize every other letter. For example: lOvE iN aN eLeVaToR - lIvInG iT uP wHiLe I'm GoInG dOwN. Note how the first letter of the sentence is not capitalized. Now, I could understand this tactic if the letters that are capitalized represented something. If a person capitalized carefully chosen letters which, when strung together, made some sort of secondary comment about their main point, that would be one thing. It would still be more annoying than a twenty-four hour Survivor marathon, but at least there would be some reason behind it. The capitalization of alternate letters is just blatantly irritating. It makes the writing itself into an eyesore. Furthermore, it's actually hard to do! Just try writing out a couple sentences like that. The rhythmic holding and releasing of the shift key actually becomes fairly tricky. That means that members of this new generation actually have to put concentrated effort into making their already boring, abrasive, pointless ramblings even more of an assault on the remaining brain cells of anyone foolish enough to read it. This technique is frequently used when these kids are choosing their incredibly tough internet moniker. In order to properly convey the size of their e-penises, these individuals create names like xXkIlLaJuGgAlOxX, XxSkAtRsAtN701153449xX, and xXdEsMoNdTuTuXx. The use of "X's" before and after the name alert the public that the user's name is approaching, then give notice that the user's name has just passed. Naturally, people who do this are to be hated unconditionally.

Despite their slacker stereotype, many members of Generation X have grown up to be useful and productive members of society. That tends to happen. A generation starts out being annoying and useless, then eventually steps up to the responsibility of keeping the nation running. If history is any indicator, we should not waste time worrying about the current generation, as they should manage to pull themselves out of this fog of utter IQ deprivation and get to work. Nonetheless, I am worried. I'm very worried. Sure, they might grow out of it. I'd love to see these kids thirty years from now when they look back on the way they used to write and laugh about how moronic they were, except that I don't intend to let any of them live that long. But even if they did survive, there is something in me that doubts that they would really turn themselves around. There are certain inventions that irrevocably change human behavior. The first generation to grow up with the telephone didn't stop using the telephone. The first generation to grow up vegging out in front of televisions has largely not yet learned to stop vegging out in front of televisions. The first generation to grow up with the internet might stop posting infantile bullshit with the grammatical skills of pastry products, but then again, they might not. When this generation of wiggers, sluts, and wannabes grows up and takes over, we might well have a President who, in order to understand what it says, has to read the State of the Union address off a teleprompter that looks like this:

"Mai f3loOoOoOoOoOo uhm3ricnz:

3vriithiing z kewl!!!111!!!1 Xpt 4 diz t3rrizt gai. Hii suxorzzzzZZZZZzzzz!!!!!!111!!!!@1

K Gawd bl3zz uhm3ricuh."

Actually, come to think of it, that's not a whole lot worse than what we have now.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Morality Play
I am struck by how much Caleb and He Who Must Not Be Named resemble each other - in physical appearance, no less. One's a shorter, bigger eyed, bespectacled version of the other.

Meanwhile, my mother is still paranoid about safety on Singapore streets.

The Truth

A decade years or more ago;
Where my ancestors lived and roamed.
There lived two men of great renown;
Whose names are still well known.

Bold Raffles from Western shores;
Seek trade routes thru Eastern doors.
St. John Baptist of noble rheims;
But gave it up to bless and preach.

Both had a wish, a hope, a dream;
They hatched a daring plan.
To educate all yound minds;
Thus their schools began.

Now each of these schools;
Formed their own believe for each.
Both valued different virtues;
In the ones they had to teach.

Raffles snobbed and only accepted;
Those with a ready mind.
Where those of wit and learning;
Will always find their kind.

St. Joseph's ignored results;
Anyone worthy of admission.
Be you rich, able or poor;
As long as you've ambition.

Raffles taught them to be power-hungry;
Train them to be strong.
They teach their students cunning means;
To be the best among the throng.

St. Joseph's valued different virtues;
In the ones they sought and heed.
They taught them to be helpful and kind;
To those that are in need.

Rafflesian were smart, intelligent, witty boys;
Who couldn't hold back their lust.
They then produced a plan to quench their desires;
And RGS came at last.

You might think all boys are like that;
But Josephians are pure at heart.
Their abstainence, chast and innocence;
Set them miles apart.

-eugene wong hsien ming

sji 404/2004
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