Transcribed by /ot/ (with some formatting corrections from me):
"TO BE CONSUMED…
MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION WAS NOT GAY. IT WAS NOT STRAIGHT. NOR PAN. IT WAS AN ATTRACTION, IS AN ATTRACTION ALWAYS TO MISOGYNY.
(TO NEVER KNOW A WORLD WITHOUT MISOGYNY IS TO NEVER KNOW YOURSELF WITHOUT IT AS WE ARE ALL MIRRORS)
WHY DID i WANT/NEED TO BE A WOMAN
MY GENDER WAS SO INFLUENCED BY A NEED TO BE USED BY MEN.
-INFANT
-STRAIGHT BOY -→ AN ASSIGNED PLACE NOW REALIZED. WEARING MISOGYNY IN DISCOMFORT BUT BENEFITING FROM ITS HEIGHT(?) WEIGHT(?)
-(BI)
-GAY BOY -→ AN ATTEMPT AT FEMME. THE BEGINNING OF SHRUGGING MISOGYNY OFF MY SHOULDERS AND STABBING MYSELF WITH IT. AN iNABILITY TO BE FEMME, BUT AN ABILITY TO FEEL THE HURT OF FEMME (WOMANHOOD)
-STR8 WOMAN -→ FINDING \FEMME\ UNDER THE CONDITIONING OF BEING GAY. NOT FEELING FEMME ENOUGH W/O BEING A VICTIM OF RAPE
-GAY WOMAN -→ RELEASiNG GAY CONDITIONING BUT FINDING COMFORT IN THE BOX AND PADDED PRISON OF WOMANHOOD
-QUEER PERSON -→ THE MOST LIBERATED FROM GENDER i HAVE FOUND MYSELF. STILL DEALING WITH THE RUINS(?) OF SEXUAL BRAIN WASHING BUT ALLOWING MY OWN FEMININITY TO FLOURISH AND(?) A VOID(?) OF MEN.
-DEATH -→ ⚫
LOOK UP "THE ACT OF EATING" →
CONSUMPTION → "THE IDEA OF BEING EATEN USED TO AROUSE ME"
→ iS THIS MISOGYNY
→ i THINK i USED TO (STILL DO?) INTERNALIZE MISOGYNY BECAUSE i THOUGHT i WANTED TO BE A WOMAN AND SAW THAT MEN ATE WOMEN WHOLE. THAT MEN DOMINATED. HENCE MY FORMAL AND CURRENT AROUSAL TOWARDS DOMINATION AND NOT TO MENTION HUMILIATION.
→ WHY IS IT THAT SEX IS ALL TO COMMONLY AN ACT OF VIOLENCE
→ WHY IS IT THAT RAPE IS FETISHIZED BY BOTH SIDES OF THE BINARY.
→ HOW DID i TAKE ON THIS SEXUALITY SO EASILY AND WITHOUT THOUGHT
→ WAS i GAY BECAUSE i WAS TRANS
→ DID MY YEARNING TO BE FEMININE, TO BE A WOMAN, TO ESCAPE THE PRISON THAT IS BEING A MAN, MAKE ME WANT TO BE EATEN BY MEN SO THAT i COULD FEEL LIKE A WOMAN. WAS BEING GAY THE ONLY ANSWER TO THIS. i REMEMBER NOT LINKING GAY PORN BECAUSE i COULD NOT FIND THE "BIG VS. SMALL" CONTRAST. THAT EVEN WHEN I WAS GAY i LIKED STRAIGHT PORN BECAUSE IT LACKED MISOGYNY -> ABUSE -> OPPRESSION"
