Why women go off sex

Why women go off sex: What happened when 100 couples kept a candid diary about their bedroom antics

"The diaries aren't really about sex at all, but about the emotions that surround sex with someone you love - fear, intimacy, gratitude, guilt, resentment, loneliness, hope. In fact, the last thing these real couples are worried about is 'spicing it up', new positions, or the size of his equipment.

They're more concerned about why their wife doesn't seem to love them any more, or why their husband still hopes for sex when he won't even take out the rubbish to show he cares...

It's often tempting to dismiss their pestering partners as sexually voracious testosterone-driven factories. My past, attempted- ego-boosting advice to women has tended towards the 'He's lucky to have you, he should be grateful for anything he can get' variety...

The majority are still deeply in love with their wives; they just want the chance to be physically closer to her, and to feel loved and accepted in return, despite their balding heads or round tummies...

Who wants to be the lone voice in a world of smug sexual satisfaction?...

Sometimes, just a few simple words can entirely change your attitude - and I felt mine, feisty feminist that I am, shift at the sad question from one male diarist: 'What happened to this lover I married? Where did she go?'

It's been too easy for me to counsel women to have sex only when, where and how they want it, regardless of their partner's feelings. The sudden awareness that, often, this isn't just about thoughtless men expecting sex on tap has made me far more aware that, as women, we use sex to punish, to withhold and to send coded 'You're not getting it right' messages instead of communicating our true feelings.

The husband lamenting his lost 'lover' had decided that rather than pester his wife for sex and be met with egocrushing refusal yet again, he'd wait until she felt like initiating it. He's been waiting eight years so far - but he loves her too much to leave...

Sexual passion can generally be rebooted by a free night without kids, dirty washing or work deadlines...

Many women don't have a particularly high libido to begin with. It's given a huge boost by the hormonal cocktail of falling in love - and lust...

[Women] worry that a tired cuddle will be misconstrued as a sexual invitation, so withdraw altogether...

Initially... I was shocked at the idea that women should engage in a modern version of 'lie back and think of England'. I have always railed against women feeling sexually obligated, or ignoring their own needs in favour of his. But the crucial point is that, unlike men, women often don't feel sexual desire until they're physically touched.

The Sex Diaries features honest admissions from many women that unless they simply decide to do it, they'd probably never have sex again. But when they do go for it, the sex is often as good as it used to be...

Couples with good sex lives, it transpires, meet each other half way. Sometimes one isn't in the mood, but does it anyway and ends up enjoying it. Sometimes a cuddle is enough. But what really struck me was the revelation that in long-term relationships, sexual frustration isn't usually about sex at all: it's about loneliness and rejection"


Of course, feminists would go on about the importance of "enthusiastic consent".