Watching sex : how men really respond to pornography (2/10)

"Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so." - John Stuart Mill

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Watching sex : how men really respond to pornography / David Loftus


I Know What Boys Like:

"Several said pornography is most effective when it is believable. Others wanted to see the participants express genuine pleasure. A plot helped. So did good writing, characterization, decent acting, 'realistic' characters and acts, and a natural progression of events instead of abrupt changes...

Many men expressed annoyance and disappointment over unbelievable settings, stories, and behavior:

'For example, a woman gets out of a swimming pool and is going to have sex with a man, but first must put her high heels on!

I’ve seen amateur videos of sex and masturbation: women usually don’t make much noise when they cum. They squeal a little, or sigh and tremble for a few seconds, then it’s over. Knowing that, it’s disgusting to see women carrying on in paroxysms of shrieking ecstasy. Also, the closeups of the “passionate faces” are sometimes hard to believe. Those contorted faces look more like they’re in pain than in pleasure. Where did porn makers ever get the idea that sex has to be such unpleasant work? And the guys get so athletic, they look like they aren’t enjoying themselves at all. Like it’s just a big show, an athletic event. To me, that isn’t sex, it’s self- abuse.' [musician/writer, 48, married]...

A 40-year-old programmer in Britain. married seven years, had a similar critique but argued that it was an inevitable hazard of the genre:

'The problem is that by being underground, porn his evolved into a totally separate genre. Ideally one could find red-hot sex scenes” in an ordinary drama, or Umberto Eco-quality literary pastiche in a porn novel. In practice, the market has so split that few dare try an in-between work. The literati would sneer at the porn episodes, the pornophiles would be frustrated by the breaks for plot. I’m not trying to sound holier-than-them. I normally say that I like a bit of plot with my porn, but I remember an intensely frustrating Dutch film. Every time the “action” had been going on long enough to “inspire” my partner and I, it would switch back to the plot'...

A number of men in the survey cited the hyper-stylized porn videos of Andrew Blake as a welcome exception:

'What mystifies me is that the other film producers don’t get it—here’s a guy, new on the scene, making money hand over fist, and they make much less. Doesn’t it ever occur to them to try and figure out why he is so successful and duplicate it?'...

The flip side was that if a woman looked like she was not terribly excited, viewers were disappointed:

'The lack of enthusiasm is remarkable. Some women are moaning like they’re having a religious experience, but when they show their faces they look like they’re at an accounting seminar. The looks of boredom are amazingly blatant—so much for acting!' [business owner, 30, married seven years]...

“The biggest problem with the majority of porn I see is that the women are far too similar in body type,” said a 32-year-old bisexual man. “Someone once described the type as ‘the body of an athletic 20-year-old with the tits of a nursing mother.’...

'Some of the women are really stupid, like they couldn’t graduate from kindergarten. They are so frivolous and dorky that even their sexy bodies can’t turn me on. I’m really turned off by uneducated types in porn!'...

If the participants in this survey are any indication, clearly the sex acts men like to see in pornography are incredibly diverse. Very few acts took precedence over the others, and many different permutations were each mentioned by at least a couple of men. By far the most-cited sex act was fellatio: women performing oral sex on men. Said one man:

'I can tell the difference, when a woman “knows what she’s doing” it turns me on a lot more than when she’s clueless. Most lousy videos show clue- less women, who suck a cock by bobbing up and down violently as fast as they can (ouch!).'...

Antiporn activists who think pornography is about men exercising power over women and humiliating them should consider the fact that the number of males in my survey who wanted to see anal penetration of men equaled those who liked to see anal penetration of women...

But most men who mentioned bestiality did so because they were not into it at all. “A friend has a video of a woman having sex with a pig that is repulsive to me,” a 32-year-old public relations man related. Said a swingers club owner who had been a police officer, “I’ve seen some of the bestiality tapes. I’ve always thought: No wonder this stuff’s illegal, or should be illegal. I’ve always thought that was kind of gross. Why would anybody want to have sex with a dog?”

The most unusual example was recounted by an Australian man: “I saw a porn video at work some years ago. It depicted sex with live animals and women using live eels, which disgusted me. As I recall, these women were also defecating into a container which had these live eels. They must have been drugged to do the things that they were doing. I didn’t have to watch much before feeling ill.”

Many men also made a specific point of saying they did not like depictions of violence, and some said they were repulsed by the idea of it. A 32-year-old computer consultant, divorced, described a video scene and his reaction:

'One time I had rented a film that basically featured a guy with a humongous penis just piercing a woman’s anus without warning. Her screaming pretty much convinced me that [1] she wasn’t acting, and [2] she wasn’t crying out in pleasure. I had that video for just one day before I took it back.'...

A couple of men said the most repulsive pornographic images they had ever seen had been circulated by feminists."


The Appeal of "Lesbian" Pornography

"Antiporn activists like Andrea Dworkin, Catharine MacKinnon, Susan Cole, and Sheila Jeffreys have regarded the fact that so many men like this so-called “lesbian” pornography as yet another sign of hatred uward women in general, and lesbians in particular. They see males’ interest in watching chicks get it on as expressing a need to pry into and degrade every aspect of women’s lives, and insist that pornography distorts the truth about lesbians. As Dworkin asserts, such material “does not document lesbian lovemaking; in fact, it barely resembles it.”

Since “lesbian” porn does not provide an “accurate view of lesbian sexual activity,” Mariana Valverde and Lorna Weir have written, “This imaginary and distorted access to lesbianism confirms men in their 'right' to have unlimited access to any and all women, even women who are explicitly uninterested in men [and] . . . undermines all women’s right to say no and erodes the foundations of choice and consent.”

Unfortunately for Dworkin and her cohorts, most of the men in my survey clearly understood the women were not lesbians. In making a distinction between the performers and the characters they play, a 22- year-old Canadian software engineer pointed out that plots that include “lesbian” encounters often take pains to show the characters are not lesbians. “Sometimes it is implicit that they are not, but still interested in sexual experimentation.”...

A 28-year-old heterosexual man who worked for a sex magazine, roomed with a lesbian, and might be presumed to have some knowledge of the subject, declared that many of the women in pornography are, in fact, lesbians:

'Well, from professional experience, I know that a large percentage of sex workers and a high percentage of glamour models (at least on a local level—we’ve never had a big-name star pose for us) are gay. The magazine I work on is pansexual-leaning-heavily-to-the-gay-side, so this may have some impact on it, but nearly everyone I have ever met involved with the sex industry—be it stripping, photography, massage, etc.—are at least bi.'

Pro-porn author Susie Bright agrees that lesbians play a significant role in the industry. “Lesbians and die-hard bisexuals are most definitely in the front ranks of the adult movie business. In true Hollywood style, it’s okay to publicly proclaim you swing both ways, but it’s Closet City when it comes to revealing one’s preference for women.”...

Antiporn feminists like Dworkin and Cole (who also happen to be lesbians) appear to take such pornography at face value—that is, as straightforward depictions of what men believe lesbians do together— but it is clear that many and perhaps most men do not. When men say “lesbian” in this context, it is a kind of shorthand that everyone understands, even if it is not strictly accurate...

There was the wag who, when asked, “Is there anything in particular you like to see two women doing?” replied, “The dishes...

How authenticity is achieved was a matter of some disagreement. Some men put it in terms of urgency or passion. Said one, “I like to see em 69ing, pumping, sweating, really getting involved in the action.” Others thought a slow pace, a romantic approach, was more realistic and therefore more exciting. “Kissing, hugging, oral sex too, yes. But it’s the tenderness that does it for me,” wrote a 27-year-old computer analyst. I do not like to see them ramming big dildos into each other. I’d much rather see them softly licking each other, or deeply kissing.”...

Why Are “Lesbian” Scenes So Popular?

Some suggested it was simply the greater number of female bodies to look at. “If one nude woman is arousing then two are more so,” said one man.. 'My eyes can move from one back to the other and enjoy the differences.'

Men liked to see a woman enjoy sex, so the prospect of seeing two women in a state of arousal was doubly appealing. “I have a theory that most men like scenes with two women because most men like to see women enjoying sex,” wrote one respondent. “It doesn’t matter if the woman is alone, with a man, with a woman, with whatever. The turn-on is watching a woman so into sex, she will do it any way possible. Two women together just doubles the pleasure.”

Some men suggested that not only did women’s bodies present a different physical aesthetic, but there was something different about women's style of lovemaking, too. “Women are more openly sexual than men, and two women joining in their sex is extremely arousing,” one man believed. “There seems to be a greater sense of self-indulgence and enjoyment in them,” another remarked, "and the interaction is not so fixated on genital contact."

... 'I always found it fascinating, and also a turn-on, to watch women make love. I think because of my own makeup, of the harshness of everything about my life, that in the process of looking for love, I had it equating softness and gentleness and that, and somehow I feel that women are capable of giving that to each other. And that was my idea about it.'

Several responses in this vein suggested that “lesbian” pornography conveys a sense of equality, a lack of power relations between the actors, which appealed to them. “Perhaps, simply because seeing an erection is not required for the act of being ‘into it,’ the artifice works here more effectively,” one man observed.

A different physiological response to sex was raised by a 25-year-old grad student as a factor in his fascination with women in general and “lesbian” sex scenes in particular:

'I’ve had some orgasms in my time which are much more deep down, in my gut, than in my penis. And I imagine that’s what it feels like for a woman. I’m in some respects envious that women can have multiple orgasms. And I guess I’m just curious about the varieties of sex that women can have and I’m also turned on by the fact that I think that women are much more sensuous creatures than men.'

A small group of men suggested much of the appeal in “lesbian” pornography lay in the supposition that women know best what arouses and satisfies other women. “I think it is exciting because I think women probably have a better idea how to please one another than a man does. Therefore I guess that lesbian sex is more arousing and sensual for the participants, and that makes it more arousing to watch,” said a married, 24-year-old history student. “I like the way they touch each other,” a mechanic stated; “They claim that one knows how and what the other likes and it shows in their acts.”

This related to credibility: It becomes easier for the viewer to imagne the women in pornography actually enjoy themselves when other women stimulate them. This might have applications in the viewer’s own sex life. As one man said:

'Watching a woman make love to another woman tells you about how that particular woman would want to be made love to. So when female A starts licking and sucking on female B, you can learn, to a great extent, what female A likes to have done to her. So watching two women is often more exciting because you can see what they like doing or having done to them that isn’t often done by guys.'...

“It seems that the women in such scenes are very interested in having sex,
a characteristic that most women in real life don’t expose publicly.”

One man said, “It’s often ‘culturally agreed,’ or was when I was growing up, that women aren’t sexual, or certainly aren’t as much as men. Seeing a woman practically in a trance getting off as she pushes a baseball-bat size dildo in her ass kinda blows that concept out of the water.”

Some men found “lesbian” scenes appealing precisely because there are no men around. As a 40-year-old fan put it: “No hairy men. No stupid cliché cum shots.”...

'A lot of the women portray a certain sensitivity that isn’t there during a heterosexual scene.'

Other men suggested the viewer might enjoy identifying with the players: putting himself in the position of either or both of the women he is looking at. “It doesn’t require you to look at a man and sort out your feelings about that,” said one:

'The appeal of lesbian sex to heterosexual males is that the fantasy of the encounter can be visualized from either partner’s point of view. I find it much easier to visualize myself as a gay woman (I wouldn’t have to change my preference) than a straight woman.'

Of the men who said they imagined themselves as one of the women, only a few specified a role, and it was invariably the passive one. “Maybe I imagine myself in the position of the subservient woman in such scenes,” one man wrote. “Sometimes I imagine myself as one of the women being seduced by the other woman,” said a 33-year-old man whose wife of 8 years had been his only sex partner. This does not accord with the antiporn notion that men go to pornography to see and experience power over women; here, the men not only got off on pretending to be a woman, but expressly chose to be the subservient one.

Some of the men ruled out being one of the women because they did not wish to intrude on the scene. “I never imagined being a woman or being directly with them because I wanted to learn and see what they would do without knowing I was there,” said a 23-year-old bisexual man who preferred women as sex partners. A 43-year-old accountant agreed: “I imagine I am watching them with or without their knowledge.”...

A 27-year-old computer analyst said his preference was highly contextual:

'Sure [I’d like to join them]. But only if I think they’d welcome it. I wouldn’t want to be an unwelcome intruder bothering two true lesbians. But as a partner willingly welcomed into a threesome with two hot bisexual women—oh, my, yes. A “me sandwich” is a very nice idea.'...

The accent on kissing, and the fact that a fair number of men didn’t project any man into a scene with two women, suggests that it is feminine beauty and the sight of women enjoying sexual pleasure— no matter whom they’re with—that thrills most male viewers. That SO many men said they envied women, and wished they could know what it was like to be a woman enjoying sex, flies in the face of the notion that male viewers get off on the domination, degradation, and pain of women."