ketsugi informs me that wiser minds have obviated the need for me to conceptualise an iNothing advertisement campaign with iProduct:

"Announcing the Apple iProduct.

"I buy Apple products. It just makes me feel special." - Joan M'Benga, ethnic looking clip-art model

Apple iProduct. You'll buy it. And you'll like it.
Do you like Apple products? Do you live for every product announcement, every incremental upgrade, every rumor and fake screenshot? Do you wank and blare and drone and fucking gurgle about Apple products morning, noon, and night? Then get ready for iProduct. You'll be blown away. No matter what it is.

The power to buy anything — and feel good about it.
Will it be merely an incremental improvement? Will we simply increase the storage capacity of an existing product and increase the price? Or will we remove features and capacity and reduce the price? It doesn't matter. We'll still trumpet it as a brand new product, and you'll buy it. You know you'll want it. And you know you'll pay big for it. Steve Jobs could take a dump, put it in an off-white plastic case, add two grey buttons and a small LCD display, and you'd pay $600 for it. Just fucking admit it.

What is it?
We're not saying yet. But we know that won't stop you. Post at length about it on every message board you have access to. Come up with fake product photos and post them, too. Start rumors or deny them. Compare it with existing products, even though you don't know what you're comparing them to. With Apple products, rampant, fruitless speculation is easy and fun.

When can I get it?
Relax, hipster, we'll tell you when it's ready. And you'll tell everybody else. Whether they care or not. You'll clog every blog, forum, and message board in the known universe with product photos, testimonials, and praise for Apple. And the complaints and insults you receive are just proof that you're right.

How much will it cost?
Like you care. As you already know, it'll be twice as expensive as other companies' products with comparable features. But that doesn't matter, does it? No matter how much it costs, you'll feel special because you've bought an Apple product. If you forget how special you are, just look at your credit card statement.

Apple iProduct.
Your life. In a small, shiny, plastic case."

Also see: get an (i)Life

I'd also add something about including few features because users can't deal with them and the slogan: "Think different. Don't buy an iProduct."

There's a rebuttal, but of course I don't think it's even half as funny as the original.