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Saturday, March 27, 2004

OMGJ Guide to Being an Anime Fangirl (Edited version)

Step 1: Learn A Couple of Japanese Words and Use Them in Every Sentence
And by this, I don't mean try to learn any serious amount of Japanese. Not even enough to form a basic sentence, either. Basically, what you're gonna be looking to learn are a few select words that can be used ad-nauseum in virtually every sentence you vomit out of your brain. Let's go over a couple:

Kawaii - Pronounced "Kuh-why". Use this word whenever you want to say that something is cute. For example, if you see a small mangy alley cat that's ridden with disease, you will point to it and scream "OMG KITTY ISH SO KAWAII!" Your friends, depending on who you're with, will either scream in girly excitement, or punch you in the throat until you can't ever speak again. If you're going to be the type of Anime fan girl that is hopelessly annoying, then you're going to be using this word a lot.

Baka - Pronounced "Bah-kuh". Baka basically means stupid, dumb, retarded, etc. You'll most often use this word to jokingly refer to your friends, who will no doubt come to hate you forever even after three or four uses of it. But that's the price you'll have to pay to be an anime fangirl. Let's look at a quick example:

Friend: I just tested HIV positive

That's pretty much all you'll need for right now. Those two words alone will cause endless hours of teeth-gritting hatred amongst your friends. Try to mix them up for fun.

Now, keep practicing until you're good enough that people will start throwing rocks at you if you come within twenty feet of them.

Step 2: Don't Forget Emoticons. Ever

Emoticons, by themselves, are pretty damn annoying if put in the wrong hands. And thanks to the whole anime thing, kids with far too much time to examine various keyboard keys, have come up with a large selection of anime-style emoticons.

The great thing about these is that they're already so shitty and incomprehensible that you can make your very own, and no one will ever notice. Let's look at a few that I just now made up, and the meanings that go along with them:

I have an STD on my eyes. Please avoid contact with me.

I just had the numbers 2 and 5 tattooed on my eyes for no reason.

I am sorry to hear that you are the King of Egypt. I appreciate the flowers

There is a Manta Ray in my pants

I just finished raping your mother, and have defecated on myself

Step 3: Guys That Look Like Girls Turn You On

The whole thing sweeping Japan right now is that it's totally hot for guys to try and look as much like girls as possible. Somehow, the women in Japan find this highly attractive. Especially when two effeminate men rub all over each other. This is referred to as "Yaoi", which basically means "Gay sex", which makes me want to "punch myself in the cock".

Nothing should turn you on more than a guy...that looks exactly like a girl. He should dress like a girl, talk like a girl, wear makeup, and be extremely thin. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that I just described a drag queen. But as most anime fangirls will strike me down for even COMPARING the two, I will point out that the main difference between a drag queen and a Japanese Yaoi couple is that the drag queen probably wears less makeup, and is probably less likely to act like some art fag with 200 pounds of prick stuck up their ass.

Now even though I'm well aware that this whole step screams of girls getting turned on by other girls, which may be a bit disconcerting to most guys who just so happen to unfortunately not look like some A-sexual freak, keep in mind you ARE talking about hardcore anime fangirls. So most of them probably look more like a guy than any of their fanboy crushes.

Oh, I forgot this is a guide for girls. So yeah, you're probably a lesbian anyway.

Step 4: Learn to Draw Yourself As A "Chibi"

What's a chibi you ask? Why it's a super-deformed caricature of yourself, of course! This is what all the big time anime fangirls do during most of their art classes in school. Instead of learning solid techniques that you can use to make wonderful drawings, you'll be ignoring all of that, and instead using your time drawing ugly, fat little cartoons that more or less resemble a dead baby fetus dressed in a school uniform.

But you may be saying "I have no art talent Jeremy! Whatever will I do? And also will you let me run my tongue down your chest?" Of course I will. But as for art talent, you need none. Just learn a few common circles and rectangles, and simply reuse them for every drawing you'll ever wretch out of that enfeebled mind of yours. So how's it supposed to look? Let's take a look at a few people, and what your bishi art of them should look like:

Step 5: Make an Online Journal

This is pretty simple. Basically your online journal should just be an extension of yourself, only it should be their for people to know what's going on in your life 24 hours a day. This really doesn't need to be anything important. It can be anything really . Mostly you'll want to stick with running on and on about guys you're too embarrassed to talk to, or posting your favorite J-Pop lyrics.

Also, don't forget to write the occasional erotic fanfic for your favorite anime. There's just something magical about having your favorite two male anime characters sticking their index fingers into each other's asses.

Step 6: Dress Like Your Favorite Character

This is pretty much a given, since you're already entrenched in everything involving your favorite anime characters, the next logical step is to dress up like them. It's not that hard, as most anime characters these days appear to have just grabbed a few random things that fit around their body and called it an outfit. Let's take a look at a few things that you should most definitely have on your list of things to wear:

Cat Ears - Because nothing says "Cute Anime Girl" like giant fuzzy cat ears strapped to your head.
Japanese School Girl Uniform - See above, but expect to be raped with tentacles soon after you put it on.
Giant Loose Socks - Remember back in the eighties when giant leg warmers were all the rage? No? Okay I'm old. But they were. They were also hideous, as you'd expect anything worn on the human body in the eighties to be. Okay, so fast forward to the 21'st century, and Japanese girls are now wearing almost the same exact thing; Giant socks. Socks so large that most of these Japanese girls could fit their entire body into them. This is what you want to wear.

Though if your character requires more than just a casual throw-rug, you'll probably have to be a bit more creative. And by creative, I mean just use whatever it takes to get the look you want. Bed sheet? Check. Disposable diapers? There ya go. Hell, use car parts if you have to.


And there you have it. Pretty much everything you need to know about getting in with all the "cool" fangirls at the conventions. Follow these steps exactly as we've shown, and you'll begin seeing results almost immediately. Some good. Most bad though. But that's the life you'll have to live. Make sure that you're fully willing to lose any shame that you may have once had, along with most of your mind.
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