"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something." - Thomas H. Huxley

***

u r wt u wr Foreign Edition (Joga):

- 'Sweet heart. Honey bear. Love'
- 'I know... what boys like'
- '*Picture of pig dressed as gangster* Oink. Love pig or die' (worn by tudung girl)
- 'Warning. Private property. Please keep out unless you have big boobs' (This was worn by a vendor at Prambanan. She was about B+/C- so I guess that qualifies)
- 'Come to ME. I need you please'
- 'Make me smile :)' (The smiley was the right side up)
- [In KL LCCT] 'I love Jeans... She will give birth to a son, and you... Jesus loves you'
- 'Beauty's choice'

"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

***

Jogjakarta trip
Day 5 - 2nd May - Jogjakarta, Kuala Lumpur

Whereas Bahasa Malaysia has taken many words from English, Bahasa Indonesia has borrowed some from Dutch, so you have words like Apotek/Apotik (pharmacy), Gratis (free), Kantor (from Dutch Kantoor - office), Reklame (advertisement), Wortel (carrot), Kualitas/Kwalitas (quality - it has more dignity than "Kualiti"), Kassa (counter) and 'Bioscop' (cinema). There were also other words which I didn't pick up, since the English and Dutch words are sometimes the same (more at Indonesische woorden van Nederlandse oorsprong).

Ice cream carts in Indonesia seem to play the Paddle Pop theme on PC speaker.


We asked many people - Tourist Information, our hotel reception, a higher-class hotel's reception - but no one knew what Rijsttafel was. This was very annoying.

We went into a snacks shop to see if there was anything nice to buy. However the only thing of note was:


Hello Kuching in Jogja. Compared to Hello Kitty, Hello Kuching is very ugly

We then walked around the shopping centre, and then the supermarket.


"Canggih. Efisien. Modern."
Maybe there's no word for "Modern" in Bahasa.


"Brownies Bakar" (Grilled [?] Brownies). Uhh...

There was the smell of an open drain in part of the supermarket. Ugh. Even in Malaysia you don't (or I haven't) encountered that.


Loose nuggets. This is quite ingenious (if not totally hygenic, but hey, this is Indonesia)

The supermarket called itself "Hero. The Fresh Food People". I found that suspicious, then I saw products from the First Choice brand. Apparently it's a Cold Storage subsidiary.


Babi corner


Kordial

Someone had told me that Indonesian Pringles were much nicer than Malaysian ones, but the ones I found were made in Malaysia. Gah.


"4 in 1 Hot Agar Drink. Rasa Cappuccino Flavour" - wth. And it has Krimer.


The Indonesians call this familiar childhood snack "Gem Kembang"

I saw 5 ang mohs I guessed were Portuguese and their shoppin cart was amazing:


In their multiple shopping carts were 17 bottles of water. Maybe they were going to the dessert desert.

We then went to this restaurant which advertised rijsttafel. When we got in, they said they had it last time, but not anymore. Gah. The previous night we'd called up a place but they required a minimum of 4 people eating, so. Meanwhile Via Via had it but it was far away and we were flying off this day, so.


Avocado milkshake with chocolate sauce. It tasted and looked like cake batter.


Soto Madura: "chicken soup with a rich filling of chicken, bean sprouts, bean-flour, vermicelli, tomato, egg and celery"
CWN: "It tastes like Maggi Mee... It tastes like Maggi Chicken... They probably started with that as the base. But then we're in ripoff land"


Soup menu. Notice how the French Fries are "imported".

"Es Jeruk" has more dignity than "Jus Oren". But at most places it's probably Kordial - maybe that's why they can't call it Jus. Only at 2-3 places was it recognisably orange in colour and with pulp and/or seeds. At the rest it was pale yellow or cream.


Gado Gado. It wasn't very good.


Lamb satay, Ayam Ubut/Ubat Bali


Ayam Opor. This was sweet. Big surprise.

The chicken dishes were made from kampung chicken, which was damn tough. Just eating was tiring. This must be why Indonesians like ayam penyet (smashed chicken) - if you don't smash the chicken it's very hard to eat. And why they like ayam, mie and nasi goreng - they are easy to eat.

In general the food here ranged from bad to mediocre, but one dish was especially bad:


Half the sate kambing was of shit quality: unchewable and inedible.


False advertising: "rijsttafel"


El cheapo car screen

We then took a teksi to the airport.


"Bahaya Laten Korupsi"
You might as well try to reduce the humidity.

We passed by a sign reading "no rats" (for some anti-rat campaign). The irony was that I didn't see any rats during my trip.


Air freshener in the taxi. Uhh.

Motorsikal Ad: "New powerful engine. 110cc". Bah.


"NOW, enjoy the AIRBUS A380's flight from HUGOS to anywhere you wanto n 9 May 2009...."
???

What CWN said was the airforce academy (it might be the Museum Dirgantara Mandala - Airforce Museum) was amazingly hideous - it had a large eagle over the gateway, and its wings were touching the ground, so when you entered you'd be going under the eagle.


This guy was going from car to car - either to ask for money or to get people to lower their windows so he and his accomplices could carjack them. I also saw this a couple of times at other areas with slow traffic.

We wanted to visit Sambisari, where there were a lot of yoni and linga, since it was near the airport, but didn't have time. Or so we thought (more on this later).

Even at the airport, the shops selling tau sar piah had no price tag, and they kept quoting me ridiculous prices. Even when I was about to leave this wretched land, they couldn't stop sucking my money.

After clearing immigration, we were stuck in:


The most boring airport waiting area in the world. It had exactly what you see in the picture - nothing.


"Fiskal". From the picture of a passport with a $1,000 in it, I knew this was where you bribed the Indonesian immigration officials.

While waiting for our plane, we realised that the boarding time had passed without our being asked to board the plane. On further enquiry, we found that AirAsia had moved our flight forward back by an hour without telling us (or any of the other passengers, who all arrived at the airport at the time they would need to make the original flight). This went directly against their policy of notifying you a few days before - maybe AirAsia Indonesia takes on aspects of the country. To add mortal wound to injury (CWN missed her connecting flight because of this), they didn't even tell us when we were checking in (and the check-in counter opened at a suitable time for the original flight timing, giving us even less chance to suspect that we'd been screwed). GRR.

While waiting, we got to watch more awful Indonesian TV. An Indonesian newscaster saluted the camera at the end of her newscast. Maybe she was a TNI agent.

Even after the flight had been pushed back by 1 hour, the plane landed 5 minutes after the delayed boarding time. Hah.

CWN had earlier told the AirAsia staff to put her near the plane exit so she could catch her connecting flight. They put her near the Emergency Exit. Damn Indons.

AirAsia must be the only airline where stewardesses let their hair down. Almost all of them dye their hair too - maybe it's part of their uniform.

The AirAsia in-flight magazine was a priceless read:


"Get in your car, take the Kesas Highway and head for Banting. From the Banting turnoff, it's approximately 15km to Banting Pekan Baru. Once there, follow the road past a fire station, Maybank, TUDM (Tentera Udara DiRaja Malaysia or Royal Malaysian Air Force) base, oil palm plantation and mausoleum; you will find the restaurant on your right."
What passes for directions in Malaysia. Also, the article (by 'Beverly Rodrigues') made it sound like you could not get Beggar's Chicken anywhere else in the world.


"Uluwatu Tradition"
Notice it's the local who is filming the ang moh. Hurr hurr.

Geography according to AirAsia was also interesting, as their in-flight magazine was politically loaded (either that or stunningly ignorant, which is another possibility):


Notice that Northern Ireland does not exist


Israel is missing from this map of the Middle East (look at the country borders).


Both East Timor and Irian Jaya are missing - this one's probably incompetence, since this pisses off both the East Timorese and the Indonesians. And there's a huge gulf between the island with Irian Jaya and the rest of Indonesia.


The borders are also not drawn fully (see the lines that end in the middle of nowhere)

Malaysian duty free does not sell alcohol to Muslims. I don't know how they enforce this.

You can't bring goods from Haiti or cloth with Quranic verses into Bolehland. I don't get the former - maybe they're scared of Voodoo.


Someone checked in a whole carton of Mi goreng. And marked it 'fragile'. Hah.


"KLIA World's Best Airport"
Only in the same alternate reality where the oldest man in Malaysia is older than the oldest man in the World. Actually, this is true *with two caveats*: it was during 2005/2006, and it was for the 15-25 million passengers/year category.


The Low Cost Carrier Terminal (LCCT) didn't seem to have any seats, so I went outside to try and settle down.


Outside. The aircon leaking from the various establishments kept it reasonably cool.

Upsizing was not on the menu of the LCCT McDonalds, and I'd forgotten when the last time they didn't ask me to upsize at McDonalds was - amazing. And, cutting corners, their McFlurry was far from full:



CWN said she'd rather sleep on the street outside Roma Termini train station than in KL LCCT, but I hunkered down for the night anyway:



I seemed to have the most interrupted sleep although I had a large backpack for a pillow (squashing my food in the process).

I think the floor was actually better than the pokey seats. I should've slept on it.

After 3-4 hours of fitful sleep, I gave up and went to McDonalds again. There, I found that they were out of Ayam Goreng, and people were sleeping inside.

In keeping with Malaysian Kualiti, my meal was horrible. The McChicken patty was very dry (though bigger than Singapore) and the kecap was too tart. Even the Coke I had was vile (too little syrup).


Walking in to check in I realised there -were- chairs inside, but they could not be slept on. And anyway it was too cold.

Restrictions on liquids don't apply to Malaysian domestic flights. Probably because no one will bother blowing one up.


Southeast Asia travel (and in general Third World travel) is not for me. It's hot, humid, dirty and smelly; you run the risk of food poisoning, people try to cheat you, you have a lot of "friendly" people who try to sell you something, things are unpredictable as they are not institutionalised (for example, you have to bargain for prices; even if things are institutionalised, they are rarely done in an accessible way, e.g. unwritten timetables, unmarked bus stops).

Specifically for Indonesia, never trust 好朋友 (seemingly friendly people) who offer to bring you to Batik "art exhibitions" which have variable ending dates (often close to the current date, or even on it) despite having signs which look permanent.


Quotes:

[On Soto Madura] It tastes like Maggi Mee... It tastes like Maggi Chicken... They probably started with that as the base. But then we're in ripoff land

[On the supplementary airport tax] I even had to pay for the pleasure of leaving this country. This sucks.

Can I unwrap your Horus and admire him? [Me: That sounds vaguely wrong]

[On GPRS] It's what? 1 cent per byte?

[On Jus Oren] Is there palm olein in this?

[On AirAsia] They are collectively the most hiao stewardesses from any airline. And I mean that in a good way... I like them for the same reason I like Xiaxue.

[Addendum:

Thanks to MFM for pointing out typos]

"Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done." - Fred Allen

***

Jogjakarta trip
Day 4 - 1st May - Jogjakarta (Part 3)

Disgusted by the human mosquitoes in Jogja who kept trying to suck our blood and felled too by the heat, we decided to skip the Imogiri Royal Cemetary and Kota Gede, an artists' village.

This was not an unwise decision, as a description of the latter warns that it is a tourist trap:

"Since entering Kotagede area, tourists begin to enjoy various kinds silver handicrafts at various prices sold at the front part of local people's house functioning as the gallery at the same time...

Please drop by at the gallery to see various kinds of handicraft, ranging from jewelry, silver ornament and utensils that are made with artistic touch of Kotagede silversmiths. Warm smile and greeting are pleasant reception to begin the exploration through Kotagede."

So we went back to our hotel and had lunch at a restaurant near there.


This was billed as Roti Paratha (and they told me it was Indian), so I was eager to see what the difference between this and Roti Prata was. However, I was disappointed to find out that it was frozen Prata (I wonder if Indians overseas who buy frozen Paratha made in Singapore get annoyed when they eat it).

Later research shows that while sources agree that the Indian Paratha is different from Singaporean Prata, all are silent on the difference.

A few sources also seem to have plagiarised each other, with the result that they claim that in Singapore and Malaysia, Prata is "drizzled with condensed milk and eaten as a warm snack"


Unfortunately they were out of avocado, so I got Es Jeruk. Which was actually Kordial. Since, unlike virtually everywhere else in Jogja, this was not watered down so much as to have no taste beyond the sweet, I finally figured out that Jeruk meant Orange.
Since there wasn't enough ice at first, I asked for more ice, and my cup was taken away and returned later suspiciously diluted - I suspect they poured out some of the drink and diluted it before adding the ice.


Nasi Goreng Istimewa. It wasn't very Istimewa.


Nasi Kembali (goreng with lamb). This was quite good.


"Creambath" is one thing, but this place as "Facial" also (IIRC CWN was the one who pointed it out, not me)


Tamarind juice - ugh

After lunch, we retired back to our rooms until the relative cool of the late afternoon.


Es Valentine at the back and Es Dangdut at the front. Dangdut is a haram form of music.
This was the worst shaved ice I'd ever had - it asn't shaved so much as chipped.


Sad Indon rock playing in the shop


"Menu Spesial: Babi Panggang
Chainese Food"
I was very happy to see this. This and the shop beside it were the only restaurants we saw with pork on the menu. However, it was too early so we decided to return later.


"Babi Panggang
Babi Kecap Inggris"


More Babi


A place that probably sold Babi


A place that might've had Babi


Mannikin with breast band. Incidentally, we saw no Malaysian Mannikins


Pieta gallery


Indon rockers talking to an Ang Moh


Grafiti I didn't grok


Various parfum parfum. Including Green Tea Perfume. Wth.


Wallets: "Osama Bin Laden. The HERO of Moslem" and "Guees"
I don't know which one I prefer.


A place which sold frogs. I don't know why they didn't go all the way and sell pork as well. Maybe some animals are more haram than others.


"Royal Garden Restaurant. the sensation of royal dining experiences....."
Restaurant owned by the Sultan's daughter.
Notice that "100% Halal" and "dining" are stuck on. Maybe they used to be 99% Halal and offer different sorts of experiences.


They really love Gudeg (Jackfruit). This is a whole row of shops selling it.


"Pusat
Asosiasi Peternak Jangkrik
Astrik Indonesia"
A business with a cockroach as its symbol


"10 Program Pokok PKK
2. Gotong Royong"


"Antique Japan Craft" sold in Jogja. Right.


A bilingual advertisement for airport jobs.

We then went to ViaVia cafe, a chain of travellers' cafes with branches in Mali, Senegal, Argentina, Nepal, Nicaragua, Honduras, Tanzania, Belgium (where it originated from) and Spain.

On our way there, one becak driver told us it was 2.5km away, and the lowest price he offered us was 10,000 Rupiah. We didn't believe him as we'd been conned by well nigh everyone else in Jogja, and because it looked quite near on the map (200m or so) but it turned out to be more than 2.5km.

When we rejected him, I commented that either the becak man was lying or the map was lousy (it didn't say it was not to scale, and was accurate for the centre of town). Either way, Jogja looked bad.

After walking for about 2.5km, we arrived at the start of the street ViaVia was on. By this time we were so tired and annoyed, so we unhesitatingly hopped on the becak of a man who came along and said it was 3km away since he quoted us only 5,000 Rupiah (naturally, it was only about 600m - BASTARD).

The street ViaVia was on (Prawirotaman) was a big Westerner hub - until the 2006 earthquake, when activity moved to Sosrowijayan (where our hotel was). There were still some shops catering to them, like a shop offering civet cat coffee for S$3 per 500g of beans, but it was otherwise quiet (except for ViaVia itself).
Frankly I found it puzzling as it was so far from the centre of town. But maybe the ang mohs could afford to becak their way everywhere.


Cafe interior


Belgian Chocolates - not something you expect to find in Indonesia.


"Beef sausage
Ham
Bacon"
I asked them if it was pork bacon and they said yes. Woo hoo!


Es Kopyar: "A delicious sweet drink with coconut jelly and [rose] syrup"


Frites with mayo!


Salad with bacon
We consumed more vegetables in this shared salad than in all other meals in Indonesia combined.


Typical over-selling: "Borobudur is one of the Seven Wonders of the World"
I also thought they misspelled "exotic" in calling Candi Sukuh and Candi Ceto "erotic", since no description of the eroticism followed. But here's Wikipedia:

"Candi Sukuh has a distinctive thematic reliefs from other candi where life before birth and sexual education are its main theme. Its main monument is a simple pyramid structure with reliefs and statues in front of it, including three tortoises with flattened shells and a male figure grasping his penis. A giant 1.82 m (6 ft) high of lingga (phallus) with four balls, representing penile incisions,[1] was one of the statues that has been relocated to the National Museum of Indonesia...

Candi Sukuh contains a pervasive theme of spiritual liberation symbolized by reliefs and statues. There is an obvious depiction of sexual intercourse in a relief on the floor at the entrance where it shows a paired lingga (phallus) and yoni (vagina)."


Their menu. I love the assurance at the top: ""All dishes are prepared without MSG. All vegies are washed in boiled water. All drinks and ice cubes are made with boiled water. We use organic rice"

When you use your credit card in Jogja there're 3 copies of the receipt - one for you, one for the bank and one for the shop. Hah.


Exterior of cafe

On the way out of ViaVia, we took a becak. The guy quoted us 30,000 Rp because it was uphill. He pedalled very slowly, and was visibly (and audibly) exerting himself to the limit, so at one point near our destination we hopped off when he couldn't pedal anymore and gave him 50,000. He was very happy.

I saw a shop advertising copying ('photocopy/lichtdruk'). The other services were in English, though.

I saw a place: 'Bumi putera art gallery'. Hah.

Since this was our last night, we dropped in at a big shop with signposted prices and airconditioning to do shopping.


Boxes of linga. They were too irregular to be pestles.


Pirated souvenirs. Now Indonesians can trick people into thinking they visited Australia, Egypt, a random European country and Atlantis (YOU tell me where that strange nude woman in the back is from).
I got a Horus, since he was cheap. His paint got slightly chipped and the base of his staff got dislodged during my return journey though.


Dutch cash register


Knight


"Do not squat"


Primitive lock


The first time I saw a streaked wig.


Haram!


There's something charming about Bensin signs.

For dinner, we made our way back to the area with Babi.


Super Babi: Babi Panggang Kombinasi. It was quite good, though the sauce was a bit strange. The sio bak was particularly good. The thing at the bottom is chicken.

When I had this, my Twitter read: "BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI! BABI!"

Unfortunately they were out of Sate Babi.


Menu. It was the most extensive of any place here.


Kiam Cai soup they gave us. With a bit of assam.

They had Es Jeruk Murni. Murni means pure, so this would not have been Kordial. For once.

After the Babi, I was still feeling peckish (CWN had some Nasi Putih, but I had wisely held back), so I ordered:


Nasi Goreng Ham B2. The Babi Panggang rocked my socks, but this sent me to new heights of ecstasy, so tasty was it.


"Sedap" brand Kecap Manis. How creative.


This Chinese lady seemed to be the owner. Notice what is on the table - "The Little Nonya 1 Movie Collection". GAH.


The stall


Quotes:

[Me: For the life of me, I don't know why people like travelling in Southeast Asia] This is the worst example of Southeast Asia I've seen.

[On the office] It's a distortion forcefield. [Me: I will pull you back into reality] I don't think I like Gabriel-brand reality

Basically for this trip we paid minuscule amounts of money to find out that Indonesians typically eat what we consider as rubbish. Frozen prata, mee from a packet.

Yay. I shall walk around naked in my room with the fan on.

[On the lack of vegetables] Indon people don't shit is it... How come these people don't get colon cancer?

What shall I tell Puppy when she asks 'how was the trip with Gabriel?' 'It culminated in a search for sio bak'.

If you go to a Halal food court in Singapore everything is sweet and no wok hei.