We know that social connections make people happy and stops them from falling into cults. So consciously or not, this pushes the left wing agenda.
Are Therapists to Blame for the Rise of Adults Cutting Off Their Parents? - WSJ
Many
moms and dads believe that their adult children are getting bad
advice—and a growing number of researchers agree. ‘Everything becomes
trauma.’
Shoshana
Rubli was shocked by her therapist’s advice, given in her second
session. But the counselor was recommended by someone she knew and had
impressive credentials, so she did as she was told.
She cut off all ties with her mother.
“It was an argument made from authority, so I followed it,” says the 42-year-old freelance marketer.
Is it really good therapy to break your mother’s heart?
After
decades of urging families to communicate better and work on their
issues together, some therapists are now taking an opposite tack:
They’re encouraging estrangement as a means of self-care.
Proponents
of the trend hold that advising patients to consider a cutoff from a
close relative or spouse they deem toxic or unsupportive can protect
their mental health and allow for emotional growth. Meanwhile,
critics—many of whom are researchers who have studied relationships for
decades—say that it encourages self-centeredness and self-delusion and
ruins families.
Most
therapists agree that sometimes people are justified in breaking ties
with their parents or a close relative, especially if they were
physically or emotionally abusive.
What’s
changing now is the bar for what is deemed abusive enough for a cutoff.
“We are in a culture where we emphasize fragility, everything becomes
trauma, and the solution increasingly is to split and leave,” says
William Doherty, a therapist and professor emeritus of family social
science at the University of Minnesota who has researched the ways that therapy may be harmful. “But it should be the tragic exception that you cut off a parent or loved one, not business as usual in therapy.”
About 25% of the U.S. population is estranged from, or has cut ties with, a close relative at any given time—and 10% is estranged from a parent or child—according
to research by Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist and professor of
human development at Cornell. He believes that more rifts are likely, as
tensions over politics and social issues continue to rise.
Among
some 7,000 estranged parents surveyed in April a third believed their
adult child’s therapist had influenced or recommended the decision to
end the relationship. “A lot of therapists are taught to believe
whatever the client is saying at face value,” says Peter Anderson, a
licensed marriage and family therapist in Beverly, Mass., who helps
families with estrangements and conducted the surveys. “They’re forming
conclusions based on one person’s account.”
Social
media has played an outsize role in both the growing awareness of
estrangement—or going “no contact,” in internet lingo—and the role of
therapists in it. In recent years, the number of users sharing personal
stories of how cutoffs have improved their mental health has
skyrocketed. Meanwhile, therapists and “estrangement coaches” have been
producing a growing slew of offerings, from quizzes (“The Emotionally
Immature Parent Assessment”) to courses (“Navigating a Family Cut-Off”)
to books (“No Contact, No Guilt.”)
“People
are coming into a therapist’s office and parroting what they hear on
social media,” Anderson says. “They’re looking for affirmation for a
decision they’ve already made.”
Whitney
Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Tampa, Fla., takes
the patient’s lead when considering estrangement. Trauma and abuse, she
says, is in the eye of the beholder. “Why are we giving all this
deference only to parents?” Goodman said. “Why aren’t we believing the
kids? They are adults.”
Goodman
often speaks to her more than 660,000 followers on Instagram and TikTok
about estrangement and “emotionally immature” parents. “I reject the
argument that we should ignore the impact of abuse because it wasn’t
considered abuse 75 years ago,” she wrote in a recent post.
In her work, Goodman sees people who want to go no-contact with a parent
for everything from drunken driving with grandchildren to dictating
future spouses. “You have an adult population now who says: ‘I am going
to stand up for myself. I am not going to do what was always done.’”
Critics,
however, say that therapists should be questioning their clients’
estrangement beliefs, not affirming them. They warn that patients aren’t
always reliable narrators, especially if they have mental-health
issues. And the therapist is hearing only one side of the story.
This
can lead to two major problems, according to Jay Lebow, senior scholar
and senior therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University,
who says he often sees people in his practice who have been encouraged
by previous therapists to sever ties with a loved one. “You are not
solving the right problem, which is the mental-health crisis,” he says.
“And—this is the most tragic part—you may be encouraging them to cut off
their best source of support.”
Critics
also argue that there is no scientific evidence that separating from a
close relative is inherently beneficial. And the long-term
damage—including broken relationships with siblings, grandchildren and
parents as they age—is often unanticipated. “You can have somebody die
during the estrangement,” says Christine Droney, a licensed clinical
social worker in Lititz, Pa., who often sees clients who are grieving
the impact of estrangements they initiated. “There are lifelong
consequences.”
Indeed,
research from Cornell’s Pillemer and colleagues shows that while people
who start a cutoff often feel a temporary sense of relief, they also
experience significantly higher rates of chronic unhappiness and
depression over time. He calls this the “exiter cost.”
Shoshana
Rubli was a young woman living abroad when her therapist surprised her
by recommending she cut off her mom. Her childhood had been chaotic
after her parents divorced when she was a toddler, she says, but she
didn’t view it as so extreme.
“I
went in expecting to focus on boundaries,” says Rubli, who lives near
Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. “I thought that meant better self-discipline and
better communication.”
Rubli
tried to push back, but her therapist framed her concerns as blind
spots that impeded healing, she says. So she took the advice and stopped
talking to her mom. “I thought it wasn’t permanent, that it was just
fewer phone calls when I was in my therapy process,” she says.
The
estrangement lasted 10 years, despite her mom repeatedly trying to
reach her. During that time, Rubli fell in love, got married and lost
two grandparents. She also experienced other family members cutting her
off in anger over her estrangement with her mom. “It was really hard,”
she said. “There were all these unintended consequences.”
Then
Rubli had children of her own and realized all parents have flaws. So
one day she called her mother, and the two began talking again. “I was
thrilled to hear from her,” says her mom, Ann Tendler, 69, of Cedar Key,
Fla. “It was a real trial, but I always figured that someday she would
realize she had made a mistake.”
Rubli deeply regrets taking the therapist’s advice, but says she blames herself.
“At
the end of the day, you can’t hold them accountable,” she says.
“Because you told them what you told them, and you listened to what they
said.”
Related:
"Therapy has become incredibly dangerous for societal bonds.
In a new study, 1/3 of parents believe their child won’t speak to them because of a therapist’s influence.
This is how countries weaken and fall apart.
Rome didn’t fall primarily because of barbarians at the gates. It fell because loyalty, duty, bonds, and the birth rate collapsed. When the Romans lost the traditional family, its societal structure that fostered mutual support fell.
Therapists are creating a mental health crisis by actively encouraging patients to cut off their families.
When communities are no longer connected, they become unrecognizable to their people."
