"And finally, new rule. Democrats must recognize that Zohran Mamdani is the future of the party. Unfortunately, it's the Republican party.
Get it?
And if you missed his victory speech in last week's mayoral election in New York, don't worry. You'll see it in every attack ad for the next two years.
Now, Mandami seems like a nice guy and I congratulate him on an extraordinary political achievement. But before the whole left side of the country catches socialism fever, let's listen to the other big winner in last Tuesday's election, Virginia Governor-Elect Abigail Spanberger, who before the 24 election said things like, "If the party didn't shift to the center, we will get fucking torn apart." And we need to never use the word socialist or socialism ever again.
Well, she was right, but they didn't listen. Typical, am I right, lady?
Well. At least the party has a clear choice here. Very clear.
One wing is saying, "Don't ever use the word socialist again." And one is saying, "I am a democratic socialist."
Clear, huh?
So, how do we decide who's right? Well, it turns out we don't really have to flip a coin. We have the evidence.
In 2024, 13 Democrats won in districts Trump also won, all moderates. This isn't rocket science. All the left-leaning think tanks have done autopsies on 2024 and they all came up with the same message: move to the center. Even the New York Times, which did so much to promote woke politics, now says, "The partisans are wrong. Moving to the center is the way to win". And "Democrats should recognize the party moved too far left on social issues after Obama left office". Gosh, if only someone had been saying that all along.
But. But you know, welcome home.
Problem is, Gen Z, thinks socialism's wired and capitalism is tired and billionaires are what's for dinner. And who can blame them? If you're 30 and still sharing a bathroom with roommates, capitalism isn't working for you. People will reject any economic system where there's a strange hair on the soap. No one wants to be approaching middle age and still writing their name on food before they put it in the fridge. So they're quitting, quiet quitting capitalism and texting socialism that they're down to fuck.
Thing is, socialism will fuck you, because socialism, to put it simply, just doesn't work and has never worked. Like Kevin Federline. I know the kids think that stuff that happened before their appearance on the planet didn't really happen, but it did. We've run this experiment many times, and the results are always, obvious. Here's capitalist South Korea at night from space. Here's socialist North Korea. Yeah.
In 1990, Venezuela was wealthier than Poland. But then Poland, finally free of Soviet style economics, went all in on capitalism, and now their economy is as big as Japan, and people there have high wages, low inflation, cars, vacations, homes. Meanwhile, Venezuela traded capitalism for Hugo Chavez's "Socialism for the 21st century", which turned out to be like socialism in the last century or any century, a fucking mess.
It turned one of Latin America's richest countries into one of its poorest. Low wages, high inflation, shortages, outages, 8 million people fleeing. If you think New York can somehow reinvent this wheel, you're in for a rude awokening. Zohran can't make your wishes come true. You're thinking of Zoltar.
Democratic socialism is like a dating profile. Things look great until you meet up in the real world. For example, Bernie Sanders, his big thing was always bringing single payer health care to our country of 340 million. But when liberal tie-dyed Vermont tried to do it for a population of 626,000, it collapsed like that poor fuck in the Oval Office last week.
Bernie, AOC, Mamdani, are not Democrats. They'll be the first to tell you that. They're Democratic Socialists. And that's a very different thing. And I don't think people know that yet. I don't think people realize we already have a lot of socialism. Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment insurance, food stamps, veterans benefits, Pell grants, co era payments, farm subsidies, disability payments, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, corporate bailouts, and the jobs program that is building weapons the Pentagon doesn't even want. All that is socialism. Much of it appropriate to soften the edges of capitalism.
But, the DSA are radicals about this concept. And radical economic policy is always ineluctably married to radical social policy. Their platform, for example, calls for completely open borders. Therefore, what Biden was doing, but more. You think you're going to win an election on that? This just seems like more extremism at a time when Americans are begging both parties, please, could just one of you act normal.
It's either defund the police or military in the streets. Either MAGA's crypto-crony capitalism or city-run grocery stores. No, I don't want that. I want a Democrat who reassures me, if you like your Whole Foods, you can keep your Whole Foods.
Governor-Elect Spanberger once said about Biden's presidency that quote, "Nobody elected him to be FDR. They elected him to be normal." Normal.
You know, at this year's DSA convention, or as it's commonly known, ComicCon. Get this. You had to submit a photo of a negative COVID test to get in. In 2025. Yeah, no one wants to do that shit again. We've had enough of Trump's macho bullshit and also enough of pussy politics. These - yeah, guy couldn't help himself here.
These Democratic socialists at another of their conventions, they were told to make jazz hands instead of clapping, lest some delegate suffer sensory overload. And also, and I'm not joking, they were told not to be wearing, you know, any aggressive scents.
"Please don't go into that space with anything that's like an aggressive scent, for instance, right? Um because that's going to be difficult for people."
Oh, for fuck's sake. This, really? This is who the Democrats are thinking of following. You know, Chuck Schumer ain't perfect, but at least he doesn't crumple into a heap when confronted with Chanel number five. You may now clap in the traditional way. Thank you very much."
