Why getting married without having pre-marital sex is irresponsible

"It is a sign of a creeping inner death when we no longer can praise the living." - Eric Hoffer

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A popular view, even in this day and age, is that remaining a virgin until you get married is a good and desirable thing.

Even if one does not think that pre-marital sex (hereafter, "PMS") is a sin, or even if one cannot adhere to this standard oneself, there are many who would consider it an ideal (channeling Augustine, this sentiment might be called, "Give others chastity and continence, but not me").

On the contrary, I think that it is undesirable - indeed, irresponsible - not to have had PMS before marriage.

As an extreme example, we can look at this possibly apocryphal FML:

"Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML"

Yet, even if one is not so unfortunate as to find oneself in such a situation, there're still good reasons to have PMS - at least with your prospective partner.

The period of time leading up to a marriage (presumably, before the proposal, though it is still not too late after) is when you discover things about your partner which will help you figure out whether your marriage will be a happy and fruitful one. You exchange views on religion, money, children and mother-in-laws, and discuss aspirations, goals and dreams. If many of these are incompatible, it would be wise to reconsider your decision to get married. It would also be folly to get married without discussing at least most of these items.

Now, the popular literature gives many reasons for why marriages run into trouble or end, but virtually all of this information is uncited and, I suspect, incestuous (i.e. one writer gets her information from a web site, which got its tips from a book, which was based on what the author read in a magazine, and so on). We get a clue from what, apparently, is the first question a marriage counsellor will ask a married couple - how their sex life is (though that is arguably more a symptom than a cause).

Delving into the academic literature though, we find ourselves on firmer ground:

"Sexuality and sexual satisfaction are fundamental aspects of marriages and close relationships and are related to overall couple happiness and durability... it has been consistently demonstrated that sexual satisfaction figures prominently as a predictor of global marital satisfaction and distress"
(Sex and affection in heterosexual and homosexual couples: an evolutionary perspective)

Similarly:

"A study of sexuality and relationship indexes found that sexual desire discrepancies (the difference between each partner's level of sexual desire) predicted overall relationship satisfaction"
(Is There a Gender Difference in Strength of Sex Drive? Theoretical Views, Conceptual Distinctions, and a Review of Relevant Evidence)

Given that sex is a very important part of most marriages, it stands to reason that getting married without exploring this realm of inter-spousal relations is irresponsible. Through PMS, a couple can find out their sexual compatibility, and discuss strategies to manage sexual mismatches (if any).

One might argue that talking about sex would do the job, but this is perhaps the part of marriage where verbal intercourse is furthest from that of the physical variety; talking about sex is not the same as having sex.

The only case where one can responsibly get married without having PMS is if both partners do not think that sex is an important part of marriage since, in this case, it would likely not arise as an issue in the future.

To all those who are going to get married, I say: make sure to cover all of your bases!


Addendum:

Here is another FML which illustrates this problem:

"Today, after waiting for sex until marriage, I realized my husband and I have no sexual chemistry. FML"