"Though I am grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes." - Oprah Winfrey

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Jokes, some dumb:


The Love Quiz
-------------

1. What three household items are your idea for a romantic evening?

a) A roll of duct tape, a can of beans and some pliers.
b) A wig, an umbrella and some jumper cables.
c) A snow globe, a water gun and some piano wire


2. When you're whispering in your loved one's ear, how might they respond?

a) "How dare you talk about my momma!"
b) "Can you move? I can't see the television."
c) "Yes I paid the light bill."


3. Which Stooge best describes how you and your partner fool around?

a) Curly - active and full of energy
b) Moe - abusive and mean
c) Larry - you know..


4.Which of the following is your idea of a romantic meal?

a) Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Meal from McDonalds.
b) The Big Beef Burrito Supreme Meal from Taco Bell
c) An order of Buffalo Wings from Domino's pizza


5. What is your favorite part of your lover's body?

a) The part they can put behind their head.
b) The part they put in your ear.
c) The part that can fix your dinner


Total the points for the answers you gave
-----------------------------------------

1) a=5
b=10
c=0

2) a=10
b=5
c=0

3) a=10
b=0
c=5

4) a=5
b=0
c=10

5) a=5
b=10
c=0


What does it all mean?
----------------------


50-41: A Rose
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and you, my friend, have
dived head first in a vat of the old "Love Potion Number Nine."

40-31: A Sunflower
Your techniques are dead on target but a little refresher course from Mr. Feelgood might raise your HMO, if you know what I mean. (Actually I don't know what I mean.)

30-21: A Daffodil
Things will heat up when the pressure's on but they can disappear quickly with a quick gust of the wind. Kiss your lover before they kiss you goodbye.

20-11: A Tulip
Chances are your significant other thinks you're boring, dull and unattractive. Now here's the bad news...

10-0: Crabgrass
Your significant other thinks you're clinically dead.


Little Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.

Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said, "They're for your Father, Mother and kid sister!"


Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit"

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.


Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced kid was up to, he asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died, and I've just buried him," replied Nancy, tearfully,
without looking up.

The neighbor was very concerned, said "That's an awfully big grave for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat."


A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.


I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes,
hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.


One guy was explaining to his friend how the life often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies. "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." "I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if a woman has one small breast , the other one is always just that little bit larger."