Rojak or the melting pot: Remember, Prison Got No Broadband

"Listen, you NUS brats that I'm invigilating in the semester exams. I was a student once. Your lecturer was a student once. His lecturer was a student once. Hell, even the Vice Chancellor was a student once.

So you know what? WE KNOW ABOUT THE TOILET STUNT. We have entire briefings about the "stash your notes in the toilet" gag. We check the toilets. By the way, the girl who stashed your notes behind the sanitary napkin bin? You're gross.

We also know about the back of calculater stunt, the pencil box reversi, and the point form pen tattoo. GIVE IT UP. Make my life easier. I don't want to have to fill out a form tomorrow. If you want to make my invigilation more interesting, do something standard like having a nosebleed or a dying relative.

But whatever you do, don't cheat. Because if you cheat, we expel you from the university. Then you can't get a degree job. And then you'll have to take a job even more lowly than the polygrads, because A-levels aren't a real life qualification. And then you'll fall in with the wrong company, because your little charmed priviledged membership in tertiary education (only 20% of the cohort make it!) hasn't prepared you for real life. And you're book smart, not street smart. And then you'll get caught using your passport to smuggle babies from China.

Then you get jailed.

And you know the Yellow Ribbon project? Is all fake.

So don't cheat, ok? Remember, Prison got no broadband.*"