Today's burst of self-pitying whimsy:

"Jesus walked with lepers. I do not pretend that it makes me blessed, but it is something to consider. Perhaps it means nothing - but let me have my hopes."

Skipped capoeira classes today, because I was too zoned out from work. How the hell do you price an illiquid bond when no one on this planet, not even Bloomberg, has any quotes, and the last price you had was like six months ago when corporate yields hadn't gone through the roof? While I appreciate my boss' confidence in going on leave so that I could tackle it alone, I fear on Monday he will be inundated by my panicked requests for support and supervision. So much for wanting to hire "candidates who have initiative, drive and can work independently"

There is a pleasing irony in knowing that what I am doing is, in many ways, collusion tantamount to illegal misrepresentation. Without going into details, I had to create several million dollars out of nothing. And all in a totally legal fashion, of course. And it may not even be an illusion; by saying it is so, getting the auditors to sign off on it (although the imprimatur of auditors has been seriously debased of late), poof - it becomes reality; a number conjured by the interplay of some legal sophistry, pure guesswork, and "market feel" (aka. The Force lah) - and next thing you know, whoosh, we're reporting increased earnings, the share price rises, I hopefully get a marginally higher bonus, and all's hunky dory and my three nights of panicked work are rewarded by the warm glow of bamboozling the shareholders and analysts.

Only two things separate what I do from the Enrons and the Worldcoms - scale (everyone does it. Just that some get more greedy, and thus get caught) and sophistication (with auditors who don't even know price-yield relationships, how hard can they be to smoke?).

Was talking to an old friend today; am meeting up with them for a reunion in Singapore this weekend. To show Fate's twisted sense of humour, my recent travails have been punctuated by tidings of good news for my friends; better jobs, promotions, opportunities, etc. Although this tide of good fortune while I'm stuck in my dead-end job pisses me off (again, the ugly side of human nature rears itself), it seems to be confined only to the material aspect of life - like an idiot I knew in uni who made a million dollars buying and selling a refurbished piece of industrial land (when I say idiot I mean idiot - he once saw me running 3dMark benchmarks on my PC and commented on the wonderful "graphs")

However, I have also heard of quite a few break-ups this December. Hallmark must have poured some mood depressant in their Christmas card ink this year; at least four people I know broke up with their significant others.

Am in the midst of playing Legacy of Kain: Defiance. Perhaps I shouldn't have downloaded the entire Dark Chronicle storyline from gamefaqs.com; knowing the exact story kind of detracts from the effort from playing it. And while the graphics are impressive (Raziel's transition from spiritual to material is particularly cool), the third person camera seems to be located at the worst possible location and it changes perspective in the middle of leaps! While a person with an analogue controller (well, LoK is a primarily PS2 title) may be able to live with it, us poor mouse-and-keyboard enthusiasts are left in the cold.

Was having a conversation with a friend last night, on the nature of temperance. (sort of) A cute chick had actually called him out for a date; brazenly saying that she wanted to see more of him because she had glimpsed him at camp and thought he was cute. (Women these days are so degenerate. Society is going to perdition. Gone are the days of chastity and moral rectitude. Yes, I'm jealous)

Anyway, they went out for a movie, and she actually invited him over to his house (reading between the lines, I gather he wasn't being invited home to play Scrabble). Now, my friend possesses a pretty hedonistic mindset, but yet is in straitened circumstances as well.

So faced with such a prospect what did he do? He said he was busy.

Now, I find this intriguing, because I don't think he refrained out of physical infirmity, moral inhibition, or some other genuinely pressing circumstance. So I asked him, why?

In his words: "i don't like girls who are bad on the surface. i want those rgs types whom i can make bad. although i've not done it yet, but i want to try."

I'm still mulling over that one.

Someone also pointed out to me on the topic of picking up strange women: "Paradoxically, when this kind of thing means absolutely nothing to you it's easier."

"the problem with above average women in clubs is that they've been hit on too many times and are jaded. you need to be something different

according to this player. he suggests the "negative hit" theory. meaning you hit them with some negativity and get them to wonder "hey this guy is more special he isn't kissing my ass like the rest of them losers""

Me: "but what if the girls who go to clubs WANT to be hit on in the normal way? I mean, isn't that why they're there?"

And, after some thought: "I think the empty, sleazy, brutally honest feeling you get from a hooker is in some ways preferable to conning some girl with your "hard-to-get" pretensions of superiority."

Friend: "That's your problem lah. Dogs can smell fear, girls can smell desperation. Oh well. the type of girls we want need to be initially attracted to us, but if they are going to be attracted to us the way we really are they would have to be fucking dysfunctional to begin with."

Me: "What would be the point otherwise?"