Some seriously funny shit on Malaysian aristocracy.(the kind you buy, not the kind you inherit)

Here's an article that I felt merited re-typing from The Edge. This is one of the reasons why I'm a political anarchist.

The Datukship: Lifestyle of the Titled by Amir Muhammad

I was worried I would be late for my interview with The Datukship, who is, after all, one of the most respected institutions in this country. But my wheezing Proton did manage to make the journey in time. I was greeted by his snooty personal assistant, who asked me what I wanted. I told him The Datukship's first name, but was greeted with "No such person here." Then I mentioned the same name but with a "Datuk" in front of it, and I got a "Yes, he's in. But be quick. The Datuk has an urgent golf appointment in an hour."

The Datukship's room is lined with many portraits of him with similarly titled individuals. The Datukship himself did not get up from his seat as he was bogged down by what seemed like a small tropical jungle pinned to the lapel of his bush jacket. His laugh seems inspired by some of James Bond's most colorful nemeses.

Amir: Good morning, Datukship!
Datukship: Good morning. What do you want, contracts, projects, tenders?

No, I'm here for an interview. I called you yesterday.
Yes, of course, I er.. forgot. Have a seat. These seats are damn comfortable. You never want to get up from them! Mwahahaha! Now, what is this interview about?

I wanted to ask about your accomplishments.
What accomplishments?

Precisely. I didn't recognise your name but I assumed that since you are a titled individual, you must have made a prominent contribution to society. I want to find out more about these contributions.
"Contributions"? Erm.. what do you mean?

I was talking about the services rendered to the community that enabled you to get such a title.
Oh, THOSE! Well, there are many! I have been of service to many important people. The precise nature of those sercices, no need lah to disclose here. It's all very discreet. I didn't do them for the recognition. I just did them to become a Datuk. No other recognition necessary.

Recently, there were reports of people who'd had their Datukships revoked due to complaints that they were abusing their titles. But the newspapers were very coy about what these abuses were. Do you care to elaborate?
Well, membership of the Datuk club had gotten way out of hand! Too many to handle. So there need to be, you know, controls.

But these controls are not spelt out. So when you get it, it's mysterious, and when you lose it, it's a mystery too?
You catch on quick for a commoner! Bagus, bagus, mwahahaha!

How did your life change when you got the title?
Suddenly I had many friends. I had to get a bigger house and, more importantly, bigger furniture for the house. With those classy Greek columns in front. (Note: These monstrosities are all over the fucking place in the nouveau riche areas in and around KL. While older rich areas like Damansara Heights and Pantai Hill are tastefully and largely free of them, places like Tropicana, parts of Subang Jaya, etc are crawling with these hideous Corinthian pillars fronting massive edifices with pitifully small 20m driveways.) Otherwise, not standard, you know? And I got used to having my name addressed right near the front of every speech! Previously, I had to wait until the end, when I am lumped together with the dan hadirin sekelian but now I am pushed forward. So it's a bit like flying First Class.

But when you fly First Class, even though you pay a lot more, it still takes you the same amount of time to reach where you're going. And you have to go through the same turbulence. You get real plates, but you still have plastic knives.
Excuse me. Why are we talking about flying? I thought you wanted to do a personality piece on me.

Yes, that's right. Do you think that having a title has improved your life?
Of course! Look at Datuk Michelle Yeoh. Hollywood didn't pay any attention to her before, but now they have to! She's a Datuk what! Don't play-play!

Don't you think, though, that titles such as yours are remnants of a feudal era?
That's because you don't have one, mwahahaha!

You're probably right. But don't you also find it odd that in quite a few instances, the person who received a Datukship from a particular state not only wasn't born there, but can't prove any connection to it? Also, why is it that some people who've committed criminal offences get to keep their titles while other's don't? Where's the logic?
Who needs logic when you can have such a big bouquet of flowers pined to your lapel each time you go somewhere to cut a ribbon? What's so logical about ribbons, now that we've come to that?(Note: This again is painfully yet hilariously true. At the interminable functions I've been to, the titled ALWAYS have a massive corsage of assorted flora pinned to their batik shirt pockets)

What impact has the title had on your family?
Teachers and shopkeepers treat my children and wife a lot nicer now, thank you. And it's certainly not true, despite the rumours, that I look down on my relatives who don't have titles. Although my mother needs to make an appointment to speak to me, her applications are always processed speedily.

Is it your dream to continue to contribute to the Malaysian public?
Oh yes, my contributions are still continuing. And if they reach a certain level, you might even be talking to a future Tan Sri, mwahahaha!

Amir Muhammad is everybody's crony

When I shared this article with my parents, my father read through it curiously before pausing, and saying, "This is a joke, right? It's not a real interview lah! Cheh!"

... Right. More proof that irony is not genetically inherited.

One friend of mine said, "I wouldn't be surprised if this is from a real interview. There are some absolute morons out there with titles. I even know this tong chee yook guy (Cantonese: "cut pig meat" - ie. butcher) who has a Datukship."

I know a loanshark with a Datukship.

My father remarked later that a friend of his who got a Datuk had to spend 12,000RM for the investiture alone; 6,000RM for the formal dress uniform with all the weird trimmings for the actual ceremony, and another 6,000RM for another kind of evening informal wear uniform used at the reception afterwards. And that he's never worn them since.