"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln

***

GRANDPA: (to Dwayne) Can I give you some advice?

I'll do it anyway. I don't want you making the same mistakes I did when I was young...

This is the voice of experience talking. Are you listening?

Kid: Fuck a lot of women. Not just one woman. A lot of women. You're young...

Jesus! You're, what? Fifteen? You should be gettin' that young stuff. There's nothing in the world better than the young stuff!...

Look: right now, you're jailbait, they're jailbait. So it's fine. The minute you
turn eighteen — Bam! You're lookin' at three to five...

Fuck you! I lived 80 years! You're like those fuckers at Sunset Village...!

FRANK: What happened at Sunset Village?...

GRANDPA: I'll tell you what happened! I pay my money, they let me in. I should be able to do what the fuck I want!

SHERYL: He started snorting heroin.

FRANK: You started snorting heroin?!

GRANDPA: I'm eighty!

FRANK: You know, that stuff'll kill you.

GRANDPA: What am I, an idiot?

(to Dwayne) And don't you get ideas. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit.

FRANK: What about you?

GRANDPA: Me?! I'm old! You get to be my age -- you're crazy not to do it...

FRANK: So I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Village?...

GRANDPA: (to Frank) Hey, listen: I know you're a homo, but... You go to one of these places? There's four women for every guy. What does that say to you?

FRANK: You must've been pretty busy.

GRANDPA: Oh, man. They were knockin' on my door day and night! It was almost too much! If I didn't have those little fuckin' blue pills... Forget about it!...

(to Dwayne) Fuck a lot of women, kid. I got no reason to lie to you. Not just one woman. A lot of women.

***

RICHARD: And I can detect that note of sarcasm, Frank...

FRANK: What sarcasm?!

RICHARD: ...But I just want you to know — I feel sorry for you.

FRANK: You do? Good.

RICHARD: Because sarcasm is the refuge of losers.

FRANK: It is?! Really?!

RICHARD: Sarcasm is just the sour grapes of losers trying to pull winners down to their level. That's one of the lessons of Step Four.

FRANK: Wow, Richard! You've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am! Say, how much
do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?

RICHARD: It's on me, buddy. It's on me.