The Twelve Pains Of Christmas

Chorus:
The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Is finding a Christams tree.

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man: The Salvation Army,
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez!
Husband: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
Angry man: Charities
Frustrated wife: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Oh, making out these cards,
Inebriated man: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
Husband: What we have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
Angry man: Donations!
Frustrated wife: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Writing out those Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
Husband: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Mother: "Batteries not included",
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
Angry man: Get a job, ya bum!!!
Frustrated wife (sobbing): Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
Inebriated man: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
Husband: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic: Stale TV specials,
Mother: "Batteries not included",
Another frustrated man: No parking spaces,
Loud kid: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
Angry man: Charities!!
Frustrated wife (sobbing): She's a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Inebriated man: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
Husband: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
TV Critic: Stale TV specials,
Mother: "Batteries not included",
Another frustrated man: No parking?
Loud kid: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Angry man: Charities!
Frustrated wife: Gotta make 'em dinner!
Chorus: Five months of bills,
Frustrated man: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Inebriated man: Shut up, you!
Husband: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

From the album "Bob Rivers Comedy Corp: Twisted Christmas."
If you are into humorous Christmas albums, check this one out.