Amsterdam, March 2006 (Part 2)

When I left the Anne Frank house, it was already 6:15. I was feeling kinky, so I was trying to decide between the Sex museum and the Torture museum (actually most museums close at 5pm or 7pm, and only those two open really late). In the end, I decided I wasn't feeling kinky enough, so I went to the Sex museum (actually it was on the way to the train station so I wouldn't have to walk as much).

The sex museum was surprisingly cheap, costing only €2.50, though there were no student/elderly discounts, and I couldn't use the museum card either (sex sells, after all). The minimum age to enter was only 16 - gotta love these Europeans!

(NB: The kiddies should stop reading now - they're underage for all the wacky out-of-this-world stuff the Europeans churn out. They should start reading again when they see this picture:



[Yes, they're all men. Damn Japs.])



Kinky paintings by Johan Garst


Truly bizarre - this is a woman wearing a strap-on, with a gas mask on her face and a flail in her hand


An erotic diptych!

Compared to the Museum of Sex in New York, this was definitely much more hardcore. There were sections devoted to graphic gay and lesbian pictures/photos/art pieces (the latter is not surprising, but the former might be to some - New York probably had none because they feared the fundies would burn the place down), as well as the fetish gallery (see below).


Rare Chinese depiction of homosexuality, and 3 monks getting it on

They had lots of interesting items, including some from the Romans (I didn't see any Sacred Penises for Mother-In-Laws, though) and a music box where 2 people screwed each other to the tune of Edelweiss.


This manages to be doubly controversial - bravo!


Guess what this is


If you didn't get it the first time, here's a longer clip

The above 2 clips are of me sitting on a vibrating chair. It's something of an easter egg, really - nothing tells you it exists. I was sitting on on of three chairs in a row, beside a giant phallus, and must've stretched my arms too far, activating the sensor. The woman who was sitting on the chair beside me then suddenly jumped up with a cry as the chair started vibrating. Well, not just vibrating - it was like a vaguely phallic object was thrusting at her from below. How do I know this? Watch the videos above!


Really hardcore cards. 10 of diamonds (bottom left hand corner) is particularly... strange.

Compared to New York, the collection was not only more hardcore (with many 'perversions' showcased - there were watercolours by Rohan of a woman and her dog), it was also more exotic, varied and representative - all but one (IIRC) item in New York was from the late 19th Century or later, but this one had loads of stuff from across the ages (including a 16th century engraving of Lot and his daughters). The rest of the world was also well represented here, with items from Latin America, Polynesia and Africa, unlike in New York where the collection was very American-centric, with some French stuff (since we all know they're kinky). New York was more in tune with popular culture, and was more polished presentation-wise but its selection was rather limited (though it did have those [cold] silicone breasts).


This item wasn't labelled, but I found it sufficiently novel.

They had a few of those machines that you peer into and turn a lever to advance the picture, but they didn't work. There was one which presumably did, but it cost a Euro. Bah.

There were these suspicious booths ('Videocabines') where you could sit on a padded seat, rest your back on a heart-shaped cushion, lock the door, notice the light go off thereby plunging you into darkness and giving you privacy, and pay a Euro to watch 1 of 8 shows, whose contents were not specified. Hurr hurr. Against my post-hoc better judgment, I sat inside one to rest my feet and scribble the notes on which this paragraph was based.


Another interesting exhibit

"... the visiting of brothels which was accepted as quite a natural pastime by the Chinese (sic) in fact, it was more of a rule than an exception". Now I know why Geylang exists.


16th/17th century chastity belt

In New York, for some reason most of the visitors to the museum were women. The sex ratio was more balanced here, but there was still a slight bias towards women.

Apparently Mata Hari's uniform fetish led to her demise. Ho ho.


Replica of a Babylonian terracotta tablet showing temple prostitution

There was a fetish gallery, at the entrance to which visitors were warned that graphic images lay within. After having had Lady Vesuvius and Beckham's Soccer Blooper (very funny) foisted on me, I didn't think there was much worse I could see. Inside there was stuff like:

- Golden Showers
- bestiality (the one with the pig and the woman inserting snake into her unmentionables were quite gross); curiously they claimed that bestiality was often a sign of degeneration for men, but part of female sexual experimentation
- "fat mammas's"
- cumshots (I thought this was in the mainstream already) - "It is a fact that sperm does contain a number of very healthy ingredients" (Right. Same for plain water)
- transsexuals ("In the past the phenomenon 'transsexual' was already known in Singapore and owadays [sic] it is striking how many coloured and oriental women (!) belong to this group" - exclamation mark in original)
- anal (they claimed that it originated in the US for contraceptive reasons, and claimed it was 'much used and generally accepted', 'contrary to Europe')
- scatology (oddly, everyone was wearing black leather and though in some pictures people were peeing, I couldn't see any scat, so the pictures were wrong

A distinction was also made for some reason between flagellation, sadism, bondage (all the pictures illustrating this featured Japs, and they claimed it was popular in the US and Japan), SM-bizarre. Uhh.

The Dutch talent for phrasing was also evident:


Curiosities - including a mention of Long Dong Silver!


Masturbation - "All through the history of porno man has never been very interested inthe male masturbation which, on account of its lack of variation, isn't very spectaculair. (sic)"

With all the above possibilities dealt with, the "bizarre" category truly was bizarre:


The man appears to have a lock fitted through his glans


The All-Seeing Feminine Eye
At the door, the Illuminati's influence was clear. No wonder the museum is so cheap!

All in all, "Gotta love these Europeans" pretty much sums up the sex museum.



(The kiddies can start reading again)