Thursday, December 07, 2023

McKinsey: Capable of anything, and culpable for nothing

"Hi there. Here at McKinsey we're an elite group of strategists, thinkers, analysts, innovators, guys named Braden and Delta Platinum Sky miles reward members. Here to drive client success in any business venture. We're proud to say McKenzie alums include many of the most powerful people on Earth. And also, Pete Buttigieg"

"We at McKinsey genuinely believe great consultants can come from anywhere. That's why our workforce features an incredibly diverse array of graduates from, all over the Ivy League. Even Cornell"

"So if you're an ambitious college senior or an MBA graduate who needs to be told you're special, or you will die, we'd like you to consider a career at McKinsey."

"The best part of my Harvard education was the look on people's faces when I said I go to Harvard. I am really passionate about belonging to groups that impress people and so to be able to continue that at McKinsey has been, very fulfilling"

"One of the interview questions I was asked in my final round was how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Sounds like a silly question, but it's actually a smart way to test your approach to problems. And, how many billable hours you can talk for. In my case, a lot"

"Here at McKinsey, you'll have the opportunity to change the world. by serving a surprisingly wide array of clients"

"But not just anyone. For instance, we proudly don't work for tobacco clients. And haven't since the start of this sentence"

"We've got clients that appeal to every interest. Local interests, foreign interests, and even conflicts of interest"

"I worked for the FDA and Purdue Pharma at the same time. I can't believe I was allowed to do that. My mom did say, shouldn't that be illegal? And that made me really worried, until I remembered: she's not a consultant. Of course she wouldn't understand. I was basically talking to an ape"

"We hold our employees and our clients to a higher personal and ethical standard. Core McKinsey values will always-"

"Sorry do you have a phone call?"

"Not now"

"It's the Saudis"

"Actually, I do have to take this. I think it might be about, the thing"

"But the point is, you'll be using your big, special, early 20s brain, unencumbered by practical experience to develop bepoke, tailored solutions to address companies' specific needs"

"What we're recommending is finding significant efficiencies. By, laying off the people at the bottom of the company, and paying more, to the people at the top"

"Hey, that's me!"

"Yes!"

"With the money signs?"

"Yes!"

"It's me at the top!"

"We believe there are three great institutions left in the world. The Marines, the Catholic Church, and McKinsey."

"That's because the mark of any good institution, is matching outfits, evasion of responsibility through institutional secrecy, and the misplaced belief that you're saving the world. Because at the end of the day, we're McKinsey"

"We're McKinsey"

"We're McKinsey"

"We're McKinsey"

"And we're capable of anything"

"And culpable for nothing"

"I love that line"

"I mean it's true, we can't, you know, they can't touch us"

"It's true"

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