Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Remember
"WE CREATED A UTILITARIAN ETHICS COMPUTER TO REPLACE GOVERNMENT.
"IS IT ETHICAL TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE?"
YES. YOUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM, AND YOU WILL EACH FIND GREATER LOVE, THUS MAXIMIZING TOTAL HAPPINESS."
IT WAS ODD AT FIRST, REPLACING JUSTICE AND MORAL TRUTH WITH MAXIMUM HAPPINESS.
"SHOULD I COVET MY NEIGHBOR'S PROPERTY?"
"YES. IT WILL INSPIRE YOU."
BUT, ON THE WHOLE, THINGS WENT WELL.
TOTAL HAPPINESS (AVERAGE INDIVIDUAL HAPPINESS x POPULATION) *going up over time*
UNTIL A STRANGE PERSON EMERGED.
"I STOLE THIS BREAD. SHOULD I RETURN IT?"
"NO. GIVE IT TO FELIX."
"WHO'S THAT?"
"THE HAPPIEST MAN IN THE WORLD."
THE HAPPIEST MAN WAS SO DELIGHTED BY EVERYTHING THAT HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR A THIRD OF ALL HAPPINESS ON EARTH.
"OH MY GOD I FOUND A PENNY .! A SHINY ONE! THIS IS BETTER THAN A THOUSAND PONIES!"
SLOWLY BUT SURELY, THE COMPUTER'S JUDGMENTS BEGAN FAVORING THE HAPPIEST MAN, IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE GREATER TOTAL HAPPINESS.
"SHOULD I END IT ALL?"
"NO. WE NEED YOUR BODY TO MANUFACTURE LUCKY PENNIES FOR FELIX TO FIND."
FELIX'S HAPPINESS COMPOUNDED WITH EACH NEW HAPPY EVENT, WHICH CREATED A FEEDBACK LOOP. WITHIN A YEAR, FELIX CONTROLLED 98% OF WORLDWIDE HAPPINESS.
"I'M SO HAPPY YOU GAVE ME YOUR LIFE SAVINGS!"
"THE COMPUTER SAID YOU'D ENJOY IT MORE THAN ME."
"I'M SO HAPPY IT SAID THAT!"
THINGS GOT WORSE AND WORSE.
HAPPINESS OF FELIX *going up over time*
HAPPINESS OF OTHERS *going down over time*
SOON, EVERYONE WAS ENSLAVED AND ON AMPHETAMINES SO THEY COULD WORK 23 HOURS A DAY TO MAKE THE HAPPIEST MAN HAPPIER.
"HOORAY! ANOTHER PYRAMID JUST FOR ME!"
I CAN'T SAY THIS STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING. FELIX DOESN'T LET US SPEAK.
"I LIKE MY OWN VOICE BEST!"