"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything." - Floyd Dell

***

All jokes are offensive (except for puns)

It is my contention that more or less all jokes in existence (except for puns) are offensive in some way.

[Addendum: "Puns are offensive because they exclude people who are not able to understand the contextual joke in English."]

I shall illustrate this point with the Buffalo Clean Chips for 20th December:

1) Christmas Chips

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly; our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive-the joy wouldn't stop-
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats!
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf it just didn't matter.)

A strange little fellow flew in through the door
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red,
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
our social security checks had arrived.
We sang-how we sang-in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its eight p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'Fore long you'll be with us. We wish you the best.

-> Perpetuates inaccurate and demeaning stereotypes about Senior Citizens as useless and senile. Ridicules their miserable dietary options. Paints a dreary picture of old age completely at odds with the reality of how many Seniors lead active and fulfilling lives.

2) Indian Chips

The Indian Matchmaker
Once upon a time, in Colorado,
the chief of an Indian tribe,

I believe it was the Navajos,
had a very beautiful daughter.
And she was of marrying age.

And many, many braves were wanting
the daughter's hand in marriage.

Well, being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry the bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch. So he held a contest.
All the eligible bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that brought back the biggest and best catch would be given the chief's daughter in marriage.

A lot of braves turned out for this event. On Monday morning they
all set out, bows and arrows in hand.

Well, on Tuesday afternoon,
all the braves had brought their killings in - Except for three:
Running Bear, Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock.

On Wednesday morning,
Running Bear brought in a really
big black bear, weighing 480 pounds
and 7 foot in length.

The chief was quite impressed.
This was the best killing of all so far. But, of course, they had to wait for the remaining two before he could award his daughter to Running Bear. Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really, really big cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running Bear had come home with.

The cougar weighed 620 pounds and
was 7 1/2 feet long.
Clearly, Sitting Bull was about to win the chief's daughter's hand in marriage. Excitement rose within the camp. Everyone was pretty sure that Falling Rock couldn't top Sitting Bull's catch! Thursday came and went ..... Friday came and went ..... Saturday came and went .....

The weeks turned into months
and the months into years,
and still Failing Rock did not return.
It was obvious, the chief couldn't wait forever for Falling Rock to
return.

So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they lived happily ever after, and the tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they did keep their eyes open when out on the trails.

And today you will still see in Colorado those signs that say,
"Watch for Falling Rock."

-> Pun

3) Coast Guard Chips

*Coast Guard Christmas*

T'was the night before Christmas and all through each state, Coast
Guard families were starting to celebrate. Just then from the white
House came an urgent call, A crisis had arisen that would affect one
and all.

In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,
For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!
It was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.
Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were 'going under.'

Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care. Poor Santa
gurgled, "I'll never get there!" When what to his wondering eye
should appear; But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!

The officers and crew were so lively and quick;
Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.
With a nod from the captain, they went right to work.
Rudolph was embarrassed; he felt like a jerk.

Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,
He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!
And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,
"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist tonight!"

-> This is not a joke?!

4) Psych Chips

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged


Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and  Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna  Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

Passive-Aggressive Personality: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

-> Mocks the mentally ill and increases their social stigma. Highlights the most negative stereotypes of the mentally ill, ignoring the reality the diversity of mental illness and the fact that, with proper medication and treatment, most mentally ill people lead rewarding, fulfilling and productive lives, and are a joy to their friends and family.

5) Marine Chips

Operation Order 12-2004 For: Official Visit of LT JG Santa Claus


1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring
permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-Officer. Stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-01 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LT jg Claus. The assigned  driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with roof top  permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc."

2. LT jg Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which  will be submitted in 4 copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

FOR THE COMMANDER GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD Executive Officer

-> Unfairly mocks soldiers as so regimented they are incapable of even holding a Christmas celebration without spontaneity. Ignores the fact that soldiers are also human, endowed with equal rights and dignity as civilians.

6) !2 Chips

THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily

Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily

Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily

Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make
telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily

Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily

Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily

Dec 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily

Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law

-> Entrenches stereotypes of men as the active players in relationships and women as passive recipients.

7) Santa Chips

TOP TEN REASONS SANTA'S ASKING FOR A RAISE

10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.

And the number one reason is........

1. The Mrs. told him to.

-> Perpetuates negative stereotypes of henpecked husbands and domineering wives.

8) Cold Chips

A Holiday Cold

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there.

One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop when suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was.

It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark.

"Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!"

Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified.

Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is because someone has sent me a note with his name written on this paper. But I want to give him a chance to do the right thing on his own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward.

So Santa did the only thing he could do.

He read off the rude-nosed reindeer. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

-> Pun

9) Parting Chips


My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic. He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, "Well, the one we have won't fly."

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, "Why won't it fly."

After a long pause came another reluctant response, "Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down. The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."

-> Makes people think that all mechanics are dumb jocks, and that pilots are smarter, even though some pilots are undoubtedly dumber than some mechanics.

10) Bonus Chip

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist looked inside and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," replied the dentist. "Dental researchers have concluded that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

-> Pun