"Getting caught is the mother of invention." - Robert Byrne
***
London Review of Books · classified: Personals
"Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie."
"Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years."
"Dear LRB, I have no money. Please run my advert for free. I want a woman who is 38. Let her know I’m really clever and good-looking. Thanks."
"I hate you all. I hate London. I hate books. I hate critics. I hate this magazine, I hate this column and I hate all the goons who appear in it. But if you have large breasts, are younger than 30 and don’t want to talk about the novel you’re ‘writing’ I’ll put all that aside for approximately two hours one Saturday afternoon in January. Man, 33."
"Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37."
"If you’re reading this hoping for a mini-biopic about battles with drugs, cancer and divorce, talk to the guy above. But if you want to know about historical battle sites in Scotland, talk to me. Alan, 45. Scottish historical battle expert and BDSM fetishist."
"I make my own sexual lubricant. The secret ingredient is Bovril. Man, 56. Congleton."
"I put the phrase ‘five-header bi-sexual orgy’ in this ad to increase my Google hits. Really I’m looking for someone who likes hearty soups and jigsaws of kittens. Woman, 62. Bury."
"Woman, 45, seeks crew for weekend sailing in Solent."
[Ed: Good to know she still has the stamina for a whole weekend with a "crew" at her age]
"Cobalt blue eyes, bronze hair and a heart of gold but also Nerves of steel! Legs of potassium! A forehead of lithium! All the most attractive elements than you could want or that your first Salter Science kit could ever have delivered from reactive lady (F. 31) seeking generous physics man to 35, who has at least seen a woman naked before, and won’t passively aggressively play muted classical music while I’m trying to read during quiet time. No Borons."
"This personal ad represents its owner through the sequentialised content of his newly activated ‘SPAM’ filter: Important security notice. Register your unique IP address. Positive news about Vegas opportunity. Your Free Money! Important security notice. Banking Alert! Banking Alert! Banking Alert! Joolia is born. Wassil my hununga. I don’t think the last two are crucially important clues as to what happened next but if you know better (and you probably do), please write to widower M. 62, currently fire walled into his study by offspring."
"Pineapple seeks cheese with own stick. F, 26, London."
[Ed: ??? I don't get it]
"You like walking barefoot on cold beaches in the winter, movies that make you cry and baking cookies that you have no intention of eating. I like defending my home against the government forces that are trying to destroy me and knitting carpet samples from fibre remnants found in the back of the dryers at my local launderette. Are we fools to think it could ever work? Moron and amateur carpet sample enthusiast (M, 35)."
"Billie Piper fantasist. You’re Belle de Jour. I’m not Christopher Eccleston in Doctor Who (unless you have glaucoma, in which case I’m 6’2”, very well built, and have a classically handsome nose). Man, 67."
"The finest mind in the academic world conceived this ad, but it was his secretary who took two and half hours out of her day to collate his angst-ridden ramblings, phone the LRB and pay for it on her own credit card. He’s basically looking for an affair with a twenty something idiot tart who needs good grades. I’m looking for a better job, a decent pension package, and a man to 50 who’s great in bed and doesn’t make condescending comments about every damn book I read. Man, 57. Or his secretary, 43."
"I’m everything you ever wanted in a woman. Assuming you’re into fat 47-year old moody bitches who really don’t enjoy the mornings. Stop talking and pour the bloody marys at.."
"I am Mr Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. Your parents are Mr and Mrs Obscenely Rich. Your Uncle is Mr Expert Tax Lawyer. Your cousin is Ms Spare Apartment On A Caribbean Hideaway That She Rarely Uses. Your brother is Mr Can Fix You Up A Fake Passport For A Small Fee. Man, 51."
"Every time you read this ad, tax rebates are levied via an ingenious but complex carousel fraud passing through Calais, Zebrug and Ostend. In responding you agree to import at value splus 17.5 per cent for goods which may or may not arrive, may or may not exceed your romantic expectations and possibly may be delivered in a alternative form to the equal value should the authorities intervene. Currently your up either a one former financial journalist and remaindered author (M. 72) or two F-16s and a Chieftain Tank. Please forward to 20 credible people or just hold me."
MFM: I suspect they accept only the witty ones.