The word of the day is: "threnody"

Spent weekend vegetating at home bonding over my large stack of "to-play" computer games and catching up on some VCDs an animes. Thankfully, my father is away in Australia this weekend, so I have been able to avoid the usual weekend-wasting sessions of family bonding, family lunches, family outings which cut into my valuable entertainment/privacy time. (Some might say my priorities are a little in(per)verted. Gruthokk to you all.) Managed to finish up Freedom Force, and am now in that terrible, ennui-pervasive period where I have to make the leap into another game - it's hard for me these days to really get immersed into a new game per se, and I find myself having to make the effort to actually pick one up, trudge through the learning curve, etc etc. Currently have reduced the pack down to Incoming Forces(light, mindless graphics-heavy shooter), Jedi Knight 2(extremely looong but good game, with funky lightsaber battles), Heroes of Might and Magic IV(although as a long-time HOMM purist, I find the new design revamp a tad.. unsettling) or Might and Magic IX(old-school RPG with new-school graphics). Either way, I have to get into one soon, otherwise I'll degenerate into another week of coming home, not having a game to eagerly anticipate continuing, and wasting a night staring at ICQ or news websites.

Shall make a final decision by tonight, after finishing Death to Smoochy(Edward Norton and Robin Williams; a "poisoned yet delectable bon bon of a movie that will appeal only to the darkest and most jaundiced of hearts"), and possibly Changing Lanes(Morgan Freeman, a good character actor, and Ben Affleck, who turns out to be capable of good character acting, in this movie). Maybe I should start in on Full Metal Panic as well, although once it's irrtiating to start on an anime series knowing that you haven't got the complete run(13 episodes to go). Also the *last* time I started a new anime series(last week, Vandread Second Stage); I somehow ended up watching all 26 episodes in an 11 hour marathon orgy of viewing. Perhaps I should go easy on my stimulation centers this weekend, and instead go for a one-shot movie, such as the Cowboy Bebop movie or Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust.

Basically, these days, I'm trying to find a compromise between my life, the all-pervasive sense of failure and my original stated philosophy of little victories and little stimulations - a simple job, simple pleasures, and the use of entertainment as a soporific against the shards of failed ambition and failed expectations. Also, they keep the recurring suicidal thoughts at bay. That, plus my inability to escape the visceral feeling that suicide these days has really gone out of fashion as a statement of intent - it seems to be less of an extreme, intense life-changing(or ending) action/emotional throb of suffering, but more of a ubiquitous cultural norm, like Levi's blue jeans and Sony Walkmans. The same goes for nihilism, Goth, Christianity, conservatism, liberalism, and wearing black.

After all, I need something to keep my inadequacies at bay, and what better way to buttress off depression, frustration and angst than by using sloth, indolent gratification, and media-generated self-indulgence? Using one weakness to compensate for another. Reminds me of the interesting moral paradox from Aristotle's Ethics(I think..) - imagine a person who is both misguided and indolent - he is misguided and thus has confused wrong and right, but is too indolent to perform his "moral duty"; ie, what he thinks is right. Hence, a good outcome is achieved since his indolence prevents him from acting misguidedly. Two wrongs DO make a right:)

And there; I've fulfilled the customary "angsting-on-a-blog" genuflection for the week.

"Anytime you can give the appearance of being a team player while making your co-workers look bad, you have done your job."