Quote of the Post: "I know nothing about sex because I was always married." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Random Playlist Song: Handel - Joshua - Overture

***

Some Engineer jokes from the archives:

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.


Two engineering students are walking across campus; one turns to the other and asks: "Hey, that's some cool bike. Where'd you get such a great bike?"

"Well, I'll tell you. I was out for a walk yesterday, minding my own business, when this beautiful woman rides up on this bike. She throws it to the ground, rips off all her clothes, and says, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nods approvingly. "Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."


What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

***

Since I was OCR-ing stuff for my mother's exam papers, I got down to scanning these too:







***

One of TalkingCock's less lame (and more funny) cartoons:

MEN IN WHITE


One day in a HDB estate...

Girl: AIYEE!


Mother: Ah Girl, what is it? Wha'ppen?

Girl: I... I just saw on this wep site... a political opinion!


Girl: ...B-but they don't exist in Singapore... do they?

Mother: I... I donno...


Mysterious Figure: They do, Ma'am, but they shouldn't. That's where we come in...

Girl: Who're you?

Mother: Wait... I... I've heard of you, b-but only in whispers... Y-you're...


Mother: MIW - Men In White

Crew Cut Man: That's right, Ma'am. We show up whenever someone witnesses something alien to Singapore...


Crew Cut Man: There are certain things people shouldn't know about for their own good and the good of the country...

Long Haired Man: Huh! This one's a dangerous one...


Long Haired Man: He doesn't even believe what's written in the Straits Times!

[more]

***

More tales of raunchy prurience from solsetur:


"Sheares hall is having 'Buaya' week, which is their version of the Angel Mortal
game. KH was telling us about his buaya (Angel) the other day during project discussion.

So since I don't know who she is we've been passing presents through X (this other guy) and the other day apart from my gifts, I hugged X and told him that he must pass my hug and hug her.

So X did, came back, and after handing over all her presents told me that she returned the hug with a kiss. But no way was he going to kiss me so I better forget about 'getting' her kiss.

Shit. They told me she is quite chio.

Shit. She kissed X, that lucky idiot.

Shit. I could not get my kiss in the end because X refused to kiss me! X took advantage of my 'Buaya'!!!

Tough luck."

***

"The sound of the harpsichord has been variously described as the ticking of a sewing machine (Ralph Vaughan Williams), a toasting fork on a birdcage (Percy Scholes), and two skeletons copulating on a corrugated tin roof (Thomas Beecham)... the sound can be varied in ways which are simply not possible on any other keyboard, including the modern piano. Dramatic tonal changes can be made by switching manuals, adding extra "choirs" of strings, or applying a lute stop. This is particularly important since the harpsichord - unlike the piano - is very limited in its ability to vary dynamics (note volume) and articulation (note length)."


Someone from the other (wrong) side of the Iron Curtain on the new CO of 42SAR:

"Some guy called Bobby Lee. And his first name is not Robert. He gave a guy 3 extra for talking during his speech.

And his commander 7.

He also implemented weekend RT."


"u dont cut it it'll grow slower than usual
so the theory is that u should trim it a little
keeps ur hair in good health too"

Maybe I should rescind my vow not to let scissors touch my hair for the forseeable future.


Dilbert in a gray area social situation


Someone: i can quote you in my article man. give me a good quote

Someone: Gabriel, an avid user of P2P software, shares, "Ever since I started using file sharing, I've bought more CDs. But not everyone is like me, they're cheapskate."

Me: eh I didn't say that!
learning the first tool of the journalists' trade already, I see: misquoting others

Someone: you learn fast. next up, fabricating articles.

Quote of the Post: "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." - Hunter S. Thompson

Random Playlist Song: Schubert - Impromptu in B flat major

***

Picture of the Day



Observe the vacuous, wide-eyed look on the faces of the people on the shirt. They're either hypnotised or on drugs.

Someone: "zombie kids, i say. that blank, emotionless stare from their cold, unblinking eyes :)

**** is breeding zombies!!!

all with terribly cheena hairstyles. and scrawny arms. and they all seem to be locked in a position as if they want the wind to disperse the sweat from their left armpits"

***

CampBabe 2004

"Join the Search for CampBabe 2004

The event which enlivened camp sites and kept our soldiers delighted is back!

CampBabe 2004 is jointly organized by SAFRA Radio and MIW to bring more refreshing programmes and see more joyful faces in camps this year.

In addition, the young, talented and aspiring female contestants are also given an opportunity to pursue a dream career as a DJ with SAFRA Radio Dongli 88.3FM, not to mention winning $5,000 worth of cash and prizes."


And you thought NS Idol was bad enough! No doubt the soldiers were "delighted", though, given how desperate most NS guys are. Most of them are either ugly, ah lian, or (most commonly) both.

Question: What's worse than 1 shrill, anorexic, chinese-speaking ah lian?
Answer: 12 of them!

Friend: kept our soldiers delighted is back!
more joyful faces in camps
SOUNDS LIKE COMFORT WOMEN!!

Brother in law: "Is this what my tax dollars are going to? CampBabe 2004? I want to protest!"

***

"In a faraway town, there is a barber who only shaves men that do not shave themselves. Does the barber shave himself?"

There is an easy solution to Russel's Paradox in this case.


"The oldest profession is also the oldest pretext for outraged moralising and unrealistic lawmaking devised by man." - My favourite periodical

Great product of the day: Australian 'Red Rock Deli' brand 'Honey Soy' flavour potato chips. Cooked in Sunflower Oil, they have as big a crunch as the chips from Kettle, and their taste is simply sublime.

***

The NUS Forum Co-op stocks a lot of interesting magazines:

Mother and Baby (must be a lot of teenage pregnancies)
Dogs Life
Animals and You (A pets magazine for tweens, aimed at Screwed Up Girls no doubt)
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (for Screwed Up Girls who won't grow up)
Jughead's Double Digest (for guys who won't grow up)
Wine Spectator (to decide what to bring for drunken frat parties)
Guns and Ammo; Combat Handguns (in case someone gets so pissed off by the administration that they decide to do a Columbine)
Tattoos for Men; Tattoos for Women (so people can carve their exss names onto their arms)
Golf (for those in Law and Medicine)
Metal Maniacs (for Satanists)
Australian Linux Journal (PRC hackers)
International homes: for the best homes and lifestyles (to inspire people to study)
British railway modelling
Chai Wan Kon Astrology 2005 - welcoming the god of prosperity
Combat - the best in Martial Arts Coverage (Bullies)


For our last Sociology lecture, we were treated to something special. Not only did we have a "guest" lecturer (someone else from the department), but at some points the Tutorial Assistants snatched the mic from her, berated her for being boring, and launched into various skits on The Family and types of marriages; they covered monogamy (having one spouse but cheating on him/her), serial monogamy (having various spouses singly but in succession), polyandry and polygyny (which Masai women don't mind their husband practising because it means there are more people around to do the work: smearing the roof, clearing muck from the village and milking cows, especially if they're pregnant or have just given birth). Personally, I'm all for polyamory.

Probably the most fascinating thing we learned was the Nayar familial exception. No doubt others exist, but the lecturer probably chose this one because it was the most unusual, entertaining (yeah, most of us are stuck in our cultural paradigm) and extreme.

Anyhow: The Nayar are a tribe/group of castes who reside in the state of Kerala, India, along the Malabar Coast. In the past, the men trained as professional soldiers, and for much of the year they went off to fight wars on behalf of various warring factions, so most of the time they weren't around, which explains many peculiar characteristics of traditional Nayar society.

The Nayar are matrilineal (tracing descent through women), and not coincidentally, Nayar women are treated better than women in the rest of India. Instead of families, they had taravads (joint households), containing only people related by blood (ie no in-laws).

Before a young girl first menstruated (between the ages of 7-12), she was ritually married, with a tali (gold ornament) being tied around her neck. She and her ritual husband then spent 3 days together in a hut. However, the man she "married" rarely consummated their marriage (unless she was near puberty), and sometimes she never saw him again. After the ritual marriage, she was free to sleep with anyone she wanted - of an equal or higher caste - and Nayar women had 3-12 "visiting husbands" at any one time, but if she conceived, someone (anyone) had to acknowledge the child (though he did not bear the responsibilities traditionally ascribed to fathers); "This they did by providing a fee of a cloth and some vegetables to the low caste midwife who attended the woman in childbirth. If no man of suitable caste would consent to make this gift, it was assumed that the woman had had relations with a man of lower caste or with a Christian or a Muslim. She must then be either expelled from her lineage and caste or killed by her matrilineal kinsmen" (The Nayars and the Definition of Marriage, Gough, 1959). The children had no fathers - at least not in the conventional sense of the word.

Unfortunately (or otherwise, as the case might be) in the 1990s, thanks to the Immoral Winds Blowing From The West and rampant Cultural Imperialism, fewer than 5% of the Nayars practised this form of familial relations.

"The Nayar are fascinating to anthropologists because they're the radical exception to the human tendency to control the sex and love lives of most women, in practice, and of most men, in principle."

It just goes to show (once again) that little, if anything, is "natural". Besides which, just because something (engaging in acts of physical aggression towards your enemies) is "natural" does not make it right, and just because something (going to the doctor) is "unnatural" does not make it wrong.


Someone with a (PRC?) accent approached me while I was walking by the Dragonboat booth and asked me if I'd like to join. Wth. Do I look like the type?!

I've seen a not insignificant number of guys wearing the grey "Army" T-shirt. Maybe I should dig up my "Army Sucks. Big Time" singlet and wear it.

For her 21st birthday, a friend got a My Little Pony figurine and a Barbie Doll. Why is it socially acceptable for females to retain the trappings of their childhood for disproportionately long amounts of time?!

In late August, some people from Sginkjets.com set up a stall near the Arts Canteen and hawked 3rd party ink cartridges for various printers. Unfortunately, by the time I got there, they'd run out of ink for my Canon S200SPx (apparently quite an old model). They took down my name, and promised that they'd contact me. 2 weeks later, there's been no word from them, despite a reminder email that I sent out a week or so ago. I am immensely pissed off.

Even with a self-declared free day, I'm down to half a free day per fortnight. Boo hoo.


Quotes:

At higher levels, you will use mathematics to prove [this]. For now, just trust me. It is correct.

You can use your medit save (Medisave)

[On the Baby Bonus] Is it possible to un-DINK the person? (couple)

It's all hundreds dollar note (hundred dollar notes)

This is for flate (freight)

[On doing the hard paper topic] Courage is a philosophical virture]

[On doing the easy paper topic] Go and do it, finish it, and go and play video games, while your neighbour is sweating it out over the family

Impromptu questions. You answer questions that are not in the tutorial, you get M&Ms. It works.

I'm a bit old, so when I hear SMS, I lose concentration.

I really enjoy Economics. I think it's the best subject in the world. Obviously: I'm doing my PhD in economics

I have been tasked by Professor *** to enthuse you guys [about Economics].

[Student on Opportunity Cost: Why is it that you don't consider the amount the person has to pay for University fees?] Because it [this module] is EC1101E.

'Use the supply and demand model to explain what happens to the equilibrium price and equilibrium quantity for prata in the following cases.' You guys know what prata is?

[On the Nayar exception] They stay together for 3 days. During the 3 days, you can play masak masak [Literal translation: Play at cooking. More general translation: Play around], whatever.

[On the Nayar exception] She doesn't have to have sex with her husband. Come on, she's 7!

[On his 'wife'] Marry her - 14 years. See? A bit sian. (I've married her for)

PhD right? Permanent head damage. Tao pai liao. Tao pai liaon [Translation: The head is spoilt]

You cannot say: 'Aiyoh, nice breasts. Marry lah.' You cannot say that, unfortunately.

[On some bad joke about love birds] You tell that to the girl you're dating, you get a swollen forehead, or other parts. Girls these days are very powerful. Ok lah, stop that [making bad jokes]

I didn't know that, you know. Singapore men go for flirtatious women. In that case, I should have quite a good chance.

What's that about peeling prawns? I came back to Singapore and everyone was talking about peeling prawns for men... Maybe it's sexy.

[On arranged marriage] Children are stupid. You leave it to them, they come back with any Tom, Dick or Harry. [Realises one of the TAs is named 'Harry'] Cannot cannot! Handsome harry. [Her name], [her name].

I was walking, walking along Boat Quay. And she emerged. My Indian Goddess... She said she was vegetarian, good right? Cheap... She only want hydrophonic vegetables! (wanted)

I am quite free, nothing to do, get married lah. Quite cute. Koochee, koochee [tickles "wife"'s cheeks]

***, wherefore art thou? [Searching look] (where)

Should she marry me? [Everyone: Nooooo...] You all [are] so cruel. Mid-term test you all die already. (You all will die for the mid-term test)

[On his 'wife'] I treated her like a queen and like a fine wine, she aged with time. Unfortunately I don't like wine, I like grape juice.

[On polygyny] You're probably wondering about the sleeping arrangement. We're not into the whole orgy thing... Day 1, he goes to her, he doesn't get satisfied. Day 2, he goes to me, he gets really tired. Day 3, he goes to her [a third wife], to cool down.

Polygyny is the best form of marriage... Do you know that at one time, Lee Kuan yew wanted to make it legal in Singapore?

Time for some girl power. [Whoops from girls in audience] Let me tell you about the best form of marriage: polyandry.

[On how Singaporean men propose] 'Hey, honey, shall we go register for a HDB flat?' So romantic right.

[On bride price] Someone in the village wanted to marry me. Then they heard: PhD from Harvard. Oh my god, cannot afford... Me: PhD from Harvard. But once she opens her mouth, the price goes down. [You] Must be quiet [to fetch a high bride price].

You can't have sex with everybody and anybody right? That's a wild dream everybody has.

[On herself] When you get home, you complain. Call the provost. 'She said she was Harvard-trained. How boring. Get her out.' Thank god. [I'm going to] Yale.

GSSQ. Kimberly. [Me: Nobody knows me by those names] I will announce it later. [Me: Thank you]

[On passing last year's AGM minutes] Let's go through this and achieve Nirvana.

We have a soft lunch of Chatterbox (launch)

[On herself] The show is not over until the fat lady sings

[Lecturer: Who rules the state?] Lee Kuan Yew.

[ On my sociological observation of dancers] Please lah, the way you talk: like they're some species

Quote of the Post: "I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. / But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me"- Psalms 131:1-2

***

Has anyone watched the malaysian film Princess of Gunung Ledang yet? Let me know if it's worth watching.

Quote of the Post: "Pay no attention to what the critics say... Remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic!" - Jean Sibelius

Random Playlist Song: ACJC Choir - San Ge Mei Er San

I have no idea what this song is about, since I don't understand chinese.

***

Ugh. I fell asleep too early yesterday and now I have a massive sleep hangover.

***

"MSN Personal Address is now even better

All current MSN Personal Address customers will be automatically upgraded by the end of September to an improved MSN Personal Address subscription"

So much for July, then "this summer".

***

Hi Everyone!

Just wanted to get this important reminder out. To show support for our Presidential candidates, whomever they may be:

If you support the policies and character of John Kerry, please drive with your headlights on during the day on Friday.

If you support George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights off that night.

Thank you.

[JumboJoke]

***

Dr. Bob's Quiz Results - August 2004


Q1 - Why is the start of Tarkovsky's amazing film Solaris (1972) so long and boring?

A1 - Tarkovsky hoped that the Soviet censors would get fed up with having to watch it, nick out and skip the rest of the film where the deeper and more controversial statements were.


Q2 - The first book that Gutenberg printed was the Bible. What was the topic of the second book that he printed?

A2 - Come on now, what do you think .... Pornography! Gutty was broke and he thought this would make money.


Q3 - How many people mentioned in the Bible were known to be ambidextrous?

A3 Only 23 persons are actually named and stated to be ambidextrous - in 1 Chronicles 12:2. Take it away Ahiezer, Joash, Jeziel, Pelet, Berachah, Jehu, Ismaiah, Jeremiah, Jahaziel, Johanan, Josabad, Eluzai, Jerimoth, Bealiah, Shemariah, Shephatiah, Elkanah, Jesiah, Azareel, Joezer, Jashobeam, Joelah, and Zebadiah.

***

Tym returns to our (common) (communist) Alma Mater:

Neatly uniformed schoolchildren bobbed their heads in well-orchestrated greetings every time a someone walked by, resulting in a wave-like echo of "Good evening ma'am evening ma'am evening ma'am" wherever I passed.

This is all part of the school's drive to turn its students into "you3 yong4 de4 ren2", translated as: "useful people" - useful for what, it doesn't say. If I'm a good bank robber, I'm sure that is useful for some purposes.

Abruptly, my old Principal made an appearance, looking exactly as she did in 1986 when I saw her last, bouffant hairdo and all. I could say that she's well-preserved, I could say that she really knows how to take care of herself

I have a feeling she looked the same in 1978, when she first helmed the place, as in 1998, when she left.

The shrill Mandarin brought me right back to announcements at school assemblies.. The opening strains of the school song brought back not a jot of memory in me; either they've changed the song since my time or I've thoroughly suppressed any recollection thereof. I couldn't even understand half the song --- or, for that matter, half the announcements. Some things never change.

I think they use a different tape now. Luckily I still have a WAV of the old version. Well, not really. It's the one to which I made some... enahncements.

***

Refugee who became Dutch MP defies Islam with film about Koran

After describing the Prophet Mohammed as a pervert, Ayaan Hirsi Ali already needs round-the-clock protection from the Dutch security services.

Now the Muslim apostate and rising star of Dutch politics has pushed her luck even further with a film exhibiting verses of the Koran across the chest, stomach and thighs of an almost naked girl.

Mrs Hirsi Ali, who has risen from Somali asylum seeker to Dutch MP in 12 years, produced the film broadcast on Dutch television on Sunday night to highlight the continued oppression of Muslim women in Europe.

The 11-minute programme, Submission, depicts a young Muslim girl confronting Allah at prayer in a mosque. She wears the veil, covering most of the face, but her voluptuous body is clearly visible through a transparent gown.

"All praise to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds," begins the text painted across the actress's throat, which then scrolls down her bare chest. It is taken from the fatiha or opening of the Koran, the lines recited aloud by men, and silently by women, at Muslim prayer five times a day throughout the world.

Four other women act out scenes of torment and repression. One battered victim in a torn dress, exposes her shoulders and arms covered with lash wounds and the text of Verse 34, Chapter 4, The Women.

"Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made them excel and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient. Those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them," it says.

The broadcast was watched by 750,000 people, a large audience in a country of 16 million. An estimated one million are Muslims of Turkish or North African origin.

Mrs Hirsi Ali, 34, an MP for the free-market Liberals, has emerged as the unlikely heir of Pim Fortuyn, the homosexual firebrand who launched a mass movement to defend Holland's easy-going way of life against radical imams.

While shunning his party, she has pursued his message, denouncing the country's 30-year experiment with multiculturalism - including 700 Islamic clubs funded by the taxpayer - as a disastrous error born of "misplaced guilt".

Low-level fatwas - or death edicts - have been raining down since she attacked Islam as a medieval, misogynist cult incapable of self-criticism and blind to modern science.

Mrs Hirsi Ali said she chose the naked body formula to open up the opaque world of Islam and show that there is a human being behind the veil.

Steven Huismans, the director of Holland's Institute for Multicultural Development, said: "What she is doing is really provocative." Nabil Marouch, the head of the Dutch wing of the Arabic European League, said: "If the public keeps listening to Ayaan Hirsi, it will do great damage to integration."

But Mrs Hirsi Ali has become immensely popular among the ordinary Dutch, people who have been shocked by the sudden emergence of large Muslim enclaves in their cities - often with ties to militant anti-western groups. A parliamentary report this year found that more than 70 per cent of Dutch-born Muslims were bringing in spouses from their home countries, perpetuating a separatist sub-culture.

Mrs Hirsi Ali arrived in Holland as a penniless refugee in 1992 after sneaking across the German border to escape a forced marriage to a Somali kinsman. She did not speak a word of Dutch. Finding jobs as a cleaner, she went on to study political science at Leiden University.

Her ambition now is nothing less than a reformation of Islam.

***

Until death do us ... wed - "A South African man who shot his pregnant fiancee dead before killing himself will be posthumously married to her at the weekend... 'In African culture, there is no death -- there is merely the separation of body and soul,' said cultural expert Mathole Motshekga. 'It is also important because the families are married together... This does not mean the relationship has irretrievably broken down.'"

Norwegian motorist is slapped with parking ticket while stuck in traffic jam"

The school of second chances - "A President's Scholar who lost his award speaks out"

***

On Tuesday I decided to try out the engineering canteen, which everyone says sucks, for shits and giggles, and it was a veritable disaster.

To start off, I ordered a $2 plate of Hor Fun, and watched it being prepared Cookhouse Style - the noodles were fried separately, the ingredients were put on top, and sauce was spooned over it. The portion wasn't very big either; I shudder to think how small the $1.50 and $1.80 portions are. Though as a saving grace, it tasted alright.

When I left, I forgot to take with me the bag of junk that I had put at my feet: a bag containing wire, crocodile clips, 'D' size batteries, zinc and copper plates, 2 small metal pots and some other odds and ends. When, 20 minutes later, I realised that I had left it behind and rushed back, it was gone. I asked the uncle cleaning the tables and he told me that my "nu3 peng2 you3" (female friend/girlfriend - I assume the former unless I have a secret admirer. Or maybe it was just a breakdown in communication) took it.

I was thinking that no one would want all the junk in the bag, but then maybe engin students have a use for it. Alternatively, she just wanted the bag. It's a nice bag, decorated with pussies. Actually it's my sister's bag, and she almost certainly has forgotten of its existence. At least until she reads this paragraph.

Now all that's left to do is draw out more stuff, and hope that my Fairy Godmother flies in on Friday and returns the bag to me.


Morals of the Story:

1. Don't leave cute stuff where girls roam
2. Don't leave junk in the engineering canteen
3. Girls like pussies

Quote of the Post: "The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five Kings left--the King of England, the King of Spades, The King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of Diamonds." - King Farouk of Egypt

Random Playlist Song: Mozart - Symphony No 41 in C, K.551 'Jupiter' - 04 - Molto Allegro

The English Concert under Trevor Pinnock plays with a smaller orchestra than is usual, so the individual instruments are more easily discernable.

***

On what she was doing in Sec 2:

"i was playing with condoms
i used to buy condoms
in school uniform
fill them up with water and just throw
haha
stupid"

...

***

Description of this site on eatonweb portal: "Weird. Eccentric. Intended verbosity. Bonker-to-be"

What's a bonker?


A few have commented that by highlighting my search referrals, I am merely ensuring that I will continue to get them, or referrals of that nature in the future.

Now the thing is, this manner of search referrals do not enrage or offend me, so much as amuse me and leave me flabbergasted. All the same, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle does apply - the very act of measuring them (or rather, publicising my results) makes their re-occurence more likely, and additionally boosts my rankings when searches of that nature are carried out.

Oh well (*ahem*). Maybe I shall replace vowels with asterisks next time, or something.


I once asked my mother why she has double standards for me and my brother in law. She said that it was because he wasn't her son. So I replied that I should find some girl whose family I could marry into.


"Microsoft will produce a product that doesn't suck when they start making vacuum cleaners."

***

One Hundred Percent American

There can be no question about the average American's Americanism or his desire to preserve this precious heritage at all costs. Nevertheless, some insidious foreign ideas have already wormed their way into his civilization without his realizing what was going on. Thus, dawn finds the unsuspecting patriot garbed in pajamas, a garment of East Indian origin; and lying in a bed built on a pattern which originated in either Persia or Asia Minor. He is muffled to the ears in un-American materials: cotton, first domesticated in India; linen, domesticated in the Middle East; wool from an animal native to Asia Minor; or silk whose uses were first discovered by the Chinese.

On awakening he glances at the clock, a medieval European invention, rises in haste, and goes to the bathroom. Here, if he stops to think about it, he must feel himself in the presence of a great American institution; he will have heard stories of both the quality and frequency of foreign plumbing and will know that in no other country does the average man or woman perform their ablutions in the midst of such splendor. But the insidious foreign influences pursue him even here. Glass was invented by the ancient Egyptians, the use of glazed tiles for floors and walls in the Middle East, porcelain in China, and the art of enameling on metal by Mediterranean artisans of the Bronze Age. Even his bathtub and toilet are but slightly modified copies of Roman originals. The only purely American contribution to the ensemble is the steam radiator, against which our patriot very briefly and unintentionally places his posterior.

Returning to the bedroom, the unconscious victim of un-American practices removes his clothes from a chair, invented in the Near East, and proceeds to dress. He puts on close-fitting tailored garments whose form derives from the skin clothing of the ancient nomads of the Asiatic steppes and fastens them with buttons whose prototypes appeared in Europe at the close of the Stone Age. He puts on his feet stiff coverings made from hide prepared by a process invented in ancient Egypt and cut to a pattern which can be traced back to ancient Greece and makes sure they are properly polished, also a Greek idea. Lastly, he ties about his neck a strip of bright-colored cloth, which is a vestigial survival of the shoulder shawls worn by seventeenth-century Croats. He gives himself a final appraisal in the mirror, an old Mediterranean invention and goes downstairs to breakfast.

Here a whole new series of foreign things confront him. His food and drink are placed before him in pottery vessels, the popular name of which - china - is sufficient evidence of their origin. His fork is a medieval Italian invention and his spoon a copy of a Roman original. He will usually begin his meal with coffee, an Abyssinian plant first discovered by Arabs. The American is quite likely to need it to dispel the morning after affects of over-indulgence in fermented drinks, invented in the Near East; or distilled ones, invented by the alchemists of medieval Europe.

If our patriot is old-fashioned enough to adhere to the so-called American breakfast, his coffee will be accompanied by an orange, or orange juice, domesticated in the Mediterranean region, a cantaloupe domesticated in Persia, or grapes domesticated in Asia Minor. From this he will go on to waffles, a Scandinavian invention, with plenty of butter, originally a Near-Eastern cosmetic.

Breakfast over, he sprints for his train - the train, not the sprinting, being an English invention. At the station, he pauses for a moment to buy a newspaper, paying for it with coins invented in ancient Lydia. Once on the train he settles back to inhale the fumes of a cigarette invented in Mexico, or a cigar invented in Brazil. Meanwhile, he reads the news of the day, imprinted in characters invented by the ancient Semites by a process invented in Germany upon a material invented in China. As he scans the latest editorial pointing out the dire results to our institutions of accepting foreign ideas, he will not fail to thank a Hebrew God in an Indo-European language that he is one hundred percent (decimal system invented by the Greeks) American (from Americus Vespucci, Italian geographer).

--- by Anthropologist Ralph Linton in The American Century vol. 40, 1937

***

Wth.


Guess What? The Biggest Young PAP Bash of the Year!!!

My Dear Friend,

You received an email from me last week which made you guessing what we were up to???

Guess no further.The Young PAP is having our own concert and party in Zouk disco. It will be a night of high energy fun and many stars are joining the Young PAP for this dazzling night.

We are honoured to have the Prime Minister and Ministers with us for this event. Entrance to Zouk is totally free. Drinks are provided as well.

Do join us. Invite your families and friends as well. We welcome all of them. We await your presence to sashay the night away with us. J

For more details, please go to http://www.youngpap.org.sg/articles/PAPRockConcert.php

If you and your friends are interested, kindly let me have your names, IC numbers and contact numbers for registration.

Thanks and regards,

Nelson Goh

Chairman
Young PAP General Branch & Recruitment

People's Action Party

***

Tosser's review of last Friday's session of the concert I attended:

"When Gil Shaham started leaping about at one of the climaxes I had to suppress laughter. It's supposed to be the tragic death scene, but the performance was emotionally weak though techinically flawless, so I was quite unable to get into it, although that is also partly because I've never liked the piece, catchy melodies and all. I don't understand the rationale behind the concerto format for the Butterfly Lovers' story anyway. Given two main characters, two soloists would be more appropriate, or else a symphonic poem of sorts would do just as well. The solo parts seemed rather artificial, as though they were just spliced in to give the soloist something to do.

Same weak performance in the Tchaikovsky. I made a better attempt to concentrate this time, closing my eyes in case he started jumping again, but it was just unconvincing. I've only ever listened properly to the interpretation by Heifetz/Reiner/CSO, and last night's performance was anaemic in comparison.

I keep examining myself to ensure that the mindblowing Pletnev concerts haven't ensured eternal dissatisfaction, and I think they haven't, since I have still managed to regard several concerts after those as rather good, though not to the extent of wanting to give standing ovations. But even after confirming that I'm not being unreasonably demanding, I still observe considerable applause inflation, which, since I'm one of those spoilsports who believes one should not show approval for everything just to make the performers "feel good", is rather annoying."

***

Adults, children picking up Mandarin through Confucian Classics - "'What we've learnt of course is not only being more gracious to one another. We're talking about filial piety, respect for each other, especially for elders, and these are some of the values that I find are very relevant to our society now,' said Ms Tan, a student at Confucian Treasure Trove."
Other Good, Old-Fashioned, Wholesome and Virtuous Confucian values that are just possibly very relevant to our society now: Misogyny, not questioning the validity of your assigned roles in society, despising merchants and obeying your rulers.

Twelve O'Six - "What's the one lesson that they tell you you should never forget about throwing a smoke? well... aside from the obvious one that you throw the grenade and not the pin? that you let it ignite before throwing it... but my Section 2I/C was so smart... he threw it straightaway, and true to form, the ground caught fire... Before long, the fire had spread and was chasing us as we dragged our half-alive PC and his stinking webbing, losing 1 pair of boots and 1 helmet amongst other things hauling ass down the knoll..." (Days Were The Those: Stories of National Service in Singapore. Contributors welcome. Army, Navy, Air Force, Police, Civil Defence also can.)

See-Through Loo - "Here's a picture of a public toilet in Switzerland that's made entirely out of one-way glass. No one can see you in there, but when you are inside, it looks like you're sitting in a clear glass box."

London seeks ways to cool underground - "Plans are underway to install a cooling system that would tap the millions of gallons of cold ground water pumped daily out of London's deep tunnels in order to cool air in the labyrinthine network. Trials could begin before next summer."

Singapore bans cloning - I'm surprised it took so long. Or maybe I shouldn't be.

***

Picture time!


Possible future job prospects for me


Flare pattern from a C-130